I spent some time with my counselor Monday night and we talked about how it feels to be on the other side of this. I expressed my anxiety about "graduating" from our RE to a regular OB/GYN and how I fear I won't be monitored enough... I know it won't be the same and I'm trying to figure out how to be ok with that. Again... one of those things we can't control.
I also started talking about some of the things one of my co-workers said to me when I shared with them that I was pregnant. One of the women said "See, I told you it would happen some day. Now, you'll really appreciate it." Now, yes, those are very simple words, that probably mean nothing to her as she says but to me, it takes away from the pain, the money, the time, the days of working through this. To just say it would happen some day means that we'd potentially be at this for a very long time and that at some point it would happen on it's own... which we know it wouldn't. To tell me that I will appreciate this even more now that I've been through everything... ugh. While it may be true that I may have a greater appreciation than someone who got knocked up the first time without even really trying, there is no way you can sit there and tell me how much I would or would not appreciate something. JT and I were ready for a family. We wanted to grow a family and get to that phase in our lives where we could call ourselves parents and live like such. I believe I would appreciate it at that time because it is something we wanted. I don't know. I told my counselor that I didn't want to over-think what she said because I'm pretty sure she spent no time thinking about it, but this is just proof that once you're an IFer you're going to always have that as a part of you. Truthfully, I never expected it to magically dissapear when we would get to the other side of the wall.
We have our first ultra sounds on April 9... days away. I'm working hard to stay positive and be excited for the ultrasound but I can't lie to you, I'm also scared. I'm nervous for what we may or may not find out. I'm just anxious. Maybe after that I can breathe my first sigh of relief for the first time in 2 years... Maybe, just maybe.
Showing posts with label upset. Show all posts
Showing posts with label upset. Show all posts
Friday, April 6, 2012
Monday, March 12, 2012
Reality Sets In
I had a really hard time going back to work today. Like, a really hard time. I was angry and couldn't stop saying how much I hated it there and swearing at the fact that I couldn't be home on the couch. You would think that after 7 days of being couch bound one would be ready to head out into the world... but that wasn't the case for me.
I annoyed because my job causes so much stress and I'm pretty much over being a teacher. I just need a break. I have been saying it for years but for one reason or another I need to keep my job because at the time it was too risky to try and find something else. Having 2 weeks off (the first was our district vacation- here in New England we have a Feb vaca for skiing and an April vaca for fun?) was so relaxing and nice. I was really able to just let go and not worry about what parent I needed to call, what form needed to be turned into the office, what pile of papers I needed to correct next and what children needed talking to for one reason or another. Teaching is a big job and having time away from that was fabulous.
The biggest reason why I was so bummed about going to work today was because it meant that I was going to back to reality... getting back to the grind and the daily routines of life. We had for 2 weeks-during the tail end of stims, the trigger shot, the ER bed rest and then the ET followed by more bed rest- where we were doing something huge to try and bring a baby into our lives. Unless you're going through it you have no idea what that is like. The emotional part and the physical part are not something you can prepare for. The financial part sucks and it pulls the strings tighter on the wallet, but once you set a budget you can prepare for that. The rest you can't. I felt like getting back to reality was like the time we spent together,working for our baby, never existed. Everyone was still going on with their lives and had no idea what we had just been working through together.
I felt this way when we got back from our honeymoon 3 and half years ago. We were so happy in our newlywed honeymoon bubble that coming back home-while nice- was so strange. How were we supposed to go from the most amazing 10 days of our lives back to work and back to the mundane things in life? I'm trying to figure out how to go from the hopeful, stress free, relaxed couple that spend time day dreaming about our baby snuggling up in my uterus to the teacher, doing her job and pretending like she wants to be there. I don't want to be there and while it is a nice distraction to me pondering if what I notice my body going through is because of the hormones I'm on or because maybe- just maybe I'm pregnant, my job is just that- a distraction.
I can't focus on anything. I have a serious case of ADD. I know there is nothing I can do to ensure that our blast sticks. At this point it is either nestled in nicely or it's not... and I don't know what to think about that. I mean, I have no control over it so why bother wasting my time worrying if this certain movement is going to cause me to become un-pregnant. It all sounds so lame as I type it out but there is no explaining the IF brain and the train of thoughts that are free flowing in no logical rhyme or reason.
I just can't wait for beta next week. I know it will be here before I know it, but I just want to know right now if it worked. If only it were that simple.
I annoyed because my job causes so much stress and I'm pretty much over being a teacher. I just need a break. I have been saying it for years but for one reason or another I need to keep my job because at the time it was too risky to try and find something else. Having 2 weeks off (the first was our district vacation- here in New England we have a Feb vaca for skiing and an April vaca for fun?) was so relaxing and nice. I was really able to just let go and not worry about what parent I needed to call, what form needed to be turned into the office, what pile of papers I needed to correct next and what children needed talking to for one reason or another. Teaching is a big job and having time away from that was fabulous.
The biggest reason why I was so bummed about going to work today was because it meant that I was going to back to reality... getting back to the grind and the daily routines of life. We had for 2 weeks-during the tail end of stims, the trigger shot, the ER bed rest and then the ET followed by more bed rest- where we were doing something huge to try and bring a baby into our lives. Unless you're going through it you have no idea what that is like. The emotional part and the physical part are not something you can prepare for. The financial part sucks and it pulls the strings tighter on the wallet, but once you set a budget you can prepare for that. The rest you can't. I felt like getting back to reality was like the time we spent together,working for our baby, never existed. Everyone was still going on with their lives and had no idea what we had just been working through together.
I felt this way when we got back from our honeymoon 3 and half years ago. We were so happy in our newlywed honeymoon bubble that coming back home-while nice- was so strange. How were we supposed to go from the most amazing 10 days of our lives back to work and back to the mundane things in life? I'm trying to figure out how to go from the hopeful, stress free, relaxed couple that spend time day dreaming about our baby snuggling up in my uterus to the teacher, doing her job and pretending like she wants to be there. I don't want to be there and while it is a nice distraction to me pondering if what I notice my body going through is because of the hormones I'm on or because maybe- just maybe I'm pregnant, my job is just that- a distraction.
I can't focus on anything. I have a serious case of ADD. I know there is nothing I can do to ensure that our blast sticks. At this point it is either nestled in nicely or it's not... and I don't know what to think about that. I mean, I have no control over it so why bother wasting my time worrying if this certain movement is going to cause me to become un-pregnant. It all sounds so lame as I type it out but there is no explaining the IF brain and the train of thoughts that are free flowing in no logical rhyme or reason.
I just can't wait for beta next week. I know it will be here before I know it, but I just want to know right now if it worked. If only it were that simple.
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Overtired and Overwhelmed
This week has been filled with the lack of sleep and an overwhelming feeling of anxiety. I am beyond exhausted. I almost got up at 4 am today to type this up because I was wide awake in bed yet again. It all started on Sunday night- the night before I was to get blood work done to start the IVF process. I woke up at 1am, tossed and turned, got out of bed around 1:40 and didn't crawl back into bed until about 3:45, only to have to get up at 5:30. It was just the beginning...
Each night I wake up at some point and I am awake for at least 2 hours. The minutes pass like hours and I can't get my mind to shut up. I wear a night guard because I clench my jaw and was wearing on my teeth, but even with the night guard, I still wake up with headaches from the clenching.
Thursday night I had dinner with my mom then we made a quick trip to Target to get Ty.lenol, since that is the only thing I can take for this headache I've been having. I was home and watching TV in bed by 7:45. I passed out around 8:15. I woke up for a small time that morning but was able to sleep and would have loved to sleep all day yesterday. Today I have no plans, yet I can't sleep.
What do I think about while I'm awake? So many things. I am a teacher and will be taking a week off of work so I can have my bed rest after the ER and ET. I lie there thinking of the things I need to do to get ready for a sub. It typically takes me 1.5 to 2 hours to make sub plans for ONE day... the thought of having to cover FIVE days is overwhelming! It will get done, I know this, but I am a crazy planner and control freak of my classroom and my students so it's not wonder that this idea is stressing me out. I think about my side photography business, which has unfortunately fallen to the wayside, and I want to get back into all of that but of course I just can't do it right now. I think about posting about my IF struggles on my other blog that people in real life follow, which I barely update any more because this blog has become my home. I think about the fact that my husband I haven't had sex for awhile because I simply don't feel in the mood. I feel disgusting and bloated and can't seem to get over it- even in the dark. I think about everything.
I'm completely overwhelmed with work. The stress there is out of control. The kids are crazy and don't want to put any effort into anything which is completely frustrating because I'm supposed to help them want to be life long learners but they don't give a damn... and they are only 9 and 10. I find it sad. Plus, my co-workers bring drama that I just don't need. I'm finding myself hating going to work because I'm so stressed and angry while I'm there and that is not at all the mood I want to be in for this cycle.
I can't even do a simple task these days. I was making Mac and Cheese and hot dogs for dinner the other night (one of my favorites) and I found myself sweating and feeling annoyed at one point because everything was ready at once and I couldn't seem to figure out to get the meal finished without wanting to scream and walk away.
I see my counselor Monday night and I am thankful for that because I just need to hear what she has to say. She always puts things in a perspective I never would think about in the thick of things. I want to feel peaceful and rested and calm and I'm the farthest away from those three things than I ever thought possible.
Deep breath in...
Deep breath out.
How in the world do you guys cope?
Each night I wake up at some point and I am awake for at least 2 hours. The minutes pass like hours and I can't get my mind to shut up. I wear a night guard because I clench my jaw and was wearing on my teeth, but even with the night guard, I still wake up with headaches from the clenching.
Thursday night I had dinner with my mom then we made a quick trip to Target to get Ty.lenol, since that is the only thing I can take for this headache I've been having. I was home and watching TV in bed by 7:45. I passed out around 8:15. I woke up for a small time that morning but was able to sleep and would have loved to sleep all day yesterday. Today I have no plans, yet I can't sleep.
What do I think about while I'm awake? So many things. I am a teacher and will be taking a week off of work so I can have my bed rest after the ER and ET. I lie there thinking of the things I need to do to get ready for a sub. It typically takes me 1.5 to 2 hours to make sub plans for ONE day... the thought of having to cover FIVE days is overwhelming! It will get done, I know this, but I am a crazy planner and control freak of my classroom and my students so it's not wonder that this idea is stressing me out. I think about my side photography business, which has unfortunately fallen to the wayside, and I want to get back into all of that but of course I just can't do it right now. I think about posting about my IF struggles on my other blog that people in real life follow, which I barely update any more because this blog has become my home. I think about the fact that my husband I haven't had sex for awhile because I simply don't feel in the mood. I feel disgusting and bloated and can't seem to get over it- even in the dark. I think about everything.
I'm completely overwhelmed with work. The stress there is out of control. The kids are crazy and don't want to put any effort into anything which is completely frustrating because I'm supposed to help them want to be life long learners but they don't give a damn... and they are only 9 and 10. I find it sad. Plus, my co-workers bring drama that I just don't need. I'm finding myself hating going to work because I'm so stressed and angry while I'm there and that is not at all the mood I want to be in for this cycle.
I can't even do a simple task these days. I was making Mac and Cheese and hot dogs for dinner the other night (one of my favorites) and I found myself sweating and feeling annoyed at one point because everything was ready at once and I couldn't seem to figure out to get the meal finished without wanting to scream and walk away.
I see my counselor Monday night and I am thankful for that because I just need to hear what she has to say. She always puts things in a perspective I never would think about in the thick of things. I want to feel peaceful and rested and calm and I'm the farthest away from those three things than I ever thought possible.
Deep breath in...
Deep breath out.
How in the world do you guys cope?
Friday, January 20, 2012
Making Plans
I had dinner last night with some girls that I used to work with. We try to get together once a month and most of the time it works out, but sometimes we just can't make our schedules jive. It is always great to sit and catch up with them. There are 5 of us, including myself. Two of them have kids, once just recently got married and the other is single but dating to find Mr. Right.
As I was sitting there listening to the life updates and the plans people had made for the next few months, like vacation, it made me feel jealous, then annoyed, then frustrated. We don't make plans like that any more. We are literally living our life from once cycle to the next right now because we so desperately want a family. We can't go on a vacation because spending the money it would take to go to a gorgeous location for a decent amount of time could be a fertility treatment.
One of the girls said she didn't think she wanted kids. She said maybe, one day... but not now. I can respect that but I also resent that because she is probably the one who can get pregnant at the drop of a hat and she is choosing not to. I have a few friends who are choosing not to have children. I get that that lifestyle isn't for everyone, just like how going to college isn't one size fits all. It still just makes me think about the fact that here I sit, wanting to have a child with every fiber of my being and I can't. I just can't seem to get pregnant. And I feel (but certainly don't know) that these women who are making the choice not have children could get pregnant easier than me. Like I said, I respect the decisions my friends make it just gives me something else to think about.
I am jealous that people are busy making life plans and I don't even know what I can do next month because it might interfere with my IVF regimen. Sigh.
As I was sitting there listening to the life updates and the plans people had made for the next few months, like vacation, it made me feel jealous, then annoyed, then frustrated. We don't make plans like that any more. We are literally living our life from once cycle to the next right now because we so desperately want a family. We can't go on a vacation because spending the money it would take to go to a gorgeous location for a decent amount of time could be a fertility treatment.
One of the girls said she didn't think she wanted kids. She said maybe, one day... but not now. I can respect that but I also resent that because she is probably the one who can get pregnant at the drop of a hat and she is choosing not to. I have a few friends who are choosing not to have children. I get that that lifestyle isn't for everyone, just like how going to college isn't one size fits all. It still just makes me think about the fact that here I sit, wanting to have a child with every fiber of my being and I can't. I just can't seem to get pregnant. And I feel (but certainly don't know) that these women who are making the choice not have children could get pregnant easier than me. Like I said, I respect the decisions my friends make it just gives me something else to think about.
I am jealous that people are busy making life plans and I don't even know what I can do next month because it might interfere with my IVF regimen. Sigh.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Anxiously Waiting
We still haven't received our paperwork from our clinic to get this cycle started and tomorrow is CD 22- when I am supposed to go in for baseline monitoring. I had meant to call the office today but my work day was insane and I went to the doctor after school because I feel like I have strep throat. Of course, I got right into the exam room after waiting for 5 minutes in waiting room but then sat in the exam room for 45 minutes so by the time I saw the Dr. and was sent on my way the clinic was closed. UGH! Had I known I was going to wait that long I would have called while I was in the room waiting.
I was ready to get this cycle going and now I don't know if we'll even be able to do it because even if they could do baseline monitoring on CD23-just one day later- I know our paperwork and payment wouldn't be in because we'd have to get the paper work tomorrow and basically overnight it... I mean, we could make it happen, but the reality of it working in our favor doesn't seem high.
We are still also waiting for our money to get here- in our bank account.
Blah.
Why doesn't anything work out the way you want it to?
I was ready to get this cycle going and now I don't know if we'll even be able to do it because even if they could do baseline monitoring on CD23-just one day later- I know our paperwork and payment wouldn't be in because we'd have to get the paper work tomorrow and basically overnight it... I mean, we could make it happen, but the reality of it working in our favor doesn't seem high.
We are still also waiting for our money to get here- in our bank account.
Blah.
Why doesn't anything work out the way you want it to?
Thursday, December 29, 2011
How can I grieve for something I never even had?
Last night I went to hang out with some girl friends for a girls night in. I didn't really want to go for many reasons-as you can all imagine- but the number one reason was that I didn't know if I had the energy to fake it all night long. JT told me he wanted me to go and have "fun". I love how my husband pushes me to go on "play dates".
The night went ok but I found myself wanting to have my phone in my hand so I could get on twitter and chat with the women in the ALI community. I needed to read things from people who "get it"... I needed the connection.
On the drive home from my friend's house I lost it. I started crying and could barely see as I drove. Thankfully, I was close to my house so I didn't have to worry about crying and driving for long. I pulled myself together and walked into the house. I quickly went into the bathroom to see if you could tell I was crying. Not that I didn't want my husband to know I was crying I just didn't want him to see my face and ask me if I was ok because I knew I would lose it again. Well, he didn't even get the chance to say anything to me. As soon as I set my stuff down on the table and I saw his face I lost it again. I climbed on his lap and sobbed. Deep and painful sounds came out as I shuddered on my husband's shoulder. He rubbed my back and my head and said nothing as I unraveled in his arms.
How can I feel so much pain and sadness over something I never even had? How can I grieve for a loss that never even happened? I didn't lose anything... I just didn't gain anything. Regardless, I feel this empty space inside as another piece of my heart crumbles.
I know we'll get our family some day. I can feel it. I know it will happen for us, some way, some how. I just don't know how much heartache I can take until it finally happens for us.
The night went ok but I found myself wanting to have my phone in my hand so I could get on twitter and chat with the women in the ALI community. I needed to read things from people who "get it"... I needed the connection.
On the drive home from my friend's house I lost it. I started crying and could barely see as I drove. Thankfully, I was close to my house so I didn't have to worry about crying and driving for long. I pulled myself together and walked into the house. I quickly went into the bathroom to see if you could tell I was crying. Not that I didn't want my husband to know I was crying I just didn't want him to see my face and ask me if I was ok because I knew I would lose it again. Well, he didn't even get the chance to say anything to me. As soon as I set my stuff down on the table and I saw his face I lost it again. I climbed on his lap and sobbed. Deep and painful sounds came out as I shuddered on my husband's shoulder. He rubbed my back and my head and said nothing as I unraveled in his arms.
How can I feel so much pain and sadness over something I never even had? How can I grieve for a loss that never even happened? I didn't lose anything... I just didn't gain anything. Regardless, I feel this empty space inside as another piece of my heart crumbles.
I know we'll get our family some day. I can feel it. I know it will happen for us, some way, some how. I just don't know how much heartache I can take until it finally happens for us.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
The day after the BFN
JT and I went to bed early last night. We were both exhausted from the emotional evening. We slept in a bit and when I first woke up it didn't seem real and then when I remembered I didn't have to worry about the progesterone suppository this morning I felt crushed.
Thank you so much for those of you who reached out on twitter and left me comments here on my blog. It really means a lot to have your support and your hugs. I can feel the warmth and I smile because of you. Thank you x a million!
I feel like a walking zombie today. I'm going through the motions and being very quiet. My thoughts collide as they change from "it will happen next time!" "WHY!?!?" "I can't believe this is happening to us" "If we do IVF next and that doesn't work, then what are we going to do?" My mind is all over the place.
I posted earlier in the month about how we have close friends who know what we are doing in this journey so I had to send out an email yesterday. I wrote it shortly after I got the phone call because I just wanted to get it over with. My friend's responded with loving words but it didn't make it any easier. A few friends told me how strong they thought we were and that they admired me. I don't feel strong at all. I feel like we are just doing what we have to do to get the baby we want. I'm not sure that is strength...
I had lunch today with my 20 week pregnant friend. She found out Christmas morning she is having a girl. I am very happy for her and her husband. I must be looking for ways to feel pain because I don't know why I went. After our lunch I felt like shit. I was completely jealous that she got to think about a nursery and cribs and baby names and buying maternity clothing and I get to think of how we are going to afford our next treatment.
I am so sick of the fact that so many of our friends who started trying WAY after us have already had their babies or will have their baby before we'll even become pregnant with our first. I'm just so sick of this whole thing. I want to be done with it and moving on to the part where we should be enjoying our new family... I'm tired of being suck in this pain and heartache month after month.
Shit this sucks.
Thank you so much for those of you who reached out on twitter and left me comments here on my blog. It really means a lot to have your support and your hugs. I can feel the warmth and I smile because of you. Thank you x a million!
I feel like a walking zombie today. I'm going through the motions and being very quiet. My thoughts collide as they change from "it will happen next time!" "WHY!?!?" "I can't believe this is happening to us" "If we do IVF next and that doesn't work, then what are we going to do?" My mind is all over the place.
I posted earlier in the month about how we have close friends who know what we are doing in this journey so I had to send out an email yesterday. I wrote it shortly after I got the phone call because I just wanted to get it over with. My friend's responded with loving words but it didn't make it any easier. A few friends told me how strong they thought we were and that they admired me. I don't feel strong at all. I feel like we are just doing what we have to do to get the baby we want. I'm not sure that is strength...
I had lunch today with my 20 week pregnant friend. She found out Christmas morning she is having a girl. I am very happy for her and her husband. I must be looking for ways to feel pain because I don't know why I went. After our lunch I felt like shit. I was completely jealous that she got to think about a nursery and cribs and baby names and buying maternity clothing and I get to think of how we are going to afford our next treatment.
I am so sick of the fact that so many of our friends who started trying WAY after us have already had their babies or will have their baby before we'll even become pregnant with our first. I'm just so sick of this whole thing. I want to be done with it and moving on to the part where we should be enjoying our new family... I'm tired of being suck in this pain and heartache month after month.
Shit this sucks.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
IUI #1 = BFN
I knew it. I could feel it deep in my body and my mind couldn't push the feeling away. The opposite of someone who just knows they are pregnant.
Big FAT negative.
I got up this morning and drove to the clinic to get the blood test done and a fox type animal ran across the street in front of my car. I thought this was a good sign because last time I went to the clinic I saw a wolf on the side of the road, just standing there one minute, gone the next. The sunrise was just starting and colors of the sky were so gorgeous. Every time I went to have blood work or ultra sound done the skies looked gorgeous. I've looked into every little thing as a good sign. I needed to believe in something... to have hope that this would finally work for us.
It didn't work and quite honestly I was a mess for about 30 minutes. JT was very upset too. We really thought this was going to work. Now, I feel like I'm in shock, like this can't possibly be the outcome. Maybe they made a mistake. I know the anger is coming and when it comes you better watch out because I'll be all kinds of feisty.
I'm so tired. My body is tried, my mind is tired, and I'm at my emotional limit. I need a vacation to a tropical place so I can lie in a hammock all day and get a sun burn while some handsome man brings me drinks. Of course a beautiful women would need to bring JT his drinks... just so we're even.
We will meet with our RE next week to discuss the next step. Since we pay OOP our next step will most likely be IVF.
Big FAT negative.
I got up this morning and drove to the clinic to get the blood test done and a fox type animal ran across the street in front of my car. I thought this was a good sign because last time I went to the clinic I saw a wolf on the side of the road, just standing there one minute, gone the next. The sunrise was just starting and colors of the sky were so gorgeous. Every time I went to have blood work or ultra sound done the skies looked gorgeous. I've looked into every little thing as a good sign. I needed to believe in something... to have hope that this would finally work for us.
It didn't work and quite honestly I was a mess for about 30 minutes. JT was very upset too. We really thought this was going to work. Now, I feel like I'm in shock, like this can't possibly be the outcome. Maybe they made a mistake. I know the anger is coming and when it comes you better watch out because I'll be all kinds of feisty.
I'm so tired. My body is tried, my mind is tired, and I'm at my emotional limit. I need a vacation to a tropical place so I can lie in a hammock all day and get a sun burn while some handsome man brings me drinks. Of course a beautiful women would need to bring JT his drinks... just so we're even.
We will meet with our RE next week to discuss the next step. Since we pay OOP our next step will most likely be IVF.
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Too many emotions
Last night we had trouble with our Gonal-F pen. It wasn't working the way it should have and my husband was getting stressed, and well, so was I. I told him to not worry about it at that moment. I was hitting my wall with this whole thing and couldn't think about what would happen if we didn't get this injection to work.
I called a nurse from our fertility pharmacy to ask what we should do. When I called I got an answering service so I had to wait for her to call back. During that time I felt my insides falling apart. By that, I mean my emotions. I had felt so hopeful and good about this cycle and here were were, days from our first IUI, and it looked like we would most likely miss an injection. I couldn't believe it.
When the nurse from the pharmacy did call back I had to have JT talk to her. I was so completely frustrated and overwhelmed that there was no way I would be able to talk to her in a clam fashion, while making any sense. Shortly later the phone rang again and JT talked to a doctor from our fertility office. The Dr. assured JT that missing one dose when we would mostly likely be giving the trigger shot the next day wouldn't make a difference for the outcome of our cycle. I sure hope she is right.
JT was angry because we pay out of pocket and we paid a pretty penny for that injection pen and we' have several different issues with it. We tried to get an insulin needle so that we could pull out the meds from the outside but everything in our area closes so damn early that by the time we thought to do this, it was too late.
We got the call today and we will be triggering tonight. I am trying to get back to that hopeful, happy, "this is it" feeling but I'm struggling to get there.
I called a nurse from our fertility pharmacy to ask what we should do. When I called I got an answering service so I had to wait for her to call back. During that time I felt my insides falling apart. By that, I mean my emotions. I had felt so hopeful and good about this cycle and here were were, days from our first IUI, and it looked like we would most likely miss an injection. I couldn't believe it.
When the nurse from the pharmacy did call back I had to have JT talk to her. I was so completely frustrated and overwhelmed that there was no way I would be able to talk to her in a clam fashion, while making any sense. Shortly later the phone rang again and JT talked to a doctor from our fertility office. The Dr. assured JT that missing one dose when we would mostly likely be giving the trigger shot the next day wouldn't make a difference for the outcome of our cycle. I sure hope she is right.
JT was angry because we pay out of pocket and we paid a pretty penny for that injection pen and we' have several different issues with it. We tried to get an insulin needle so that we could pull out the meds from the outside but everything in our area closes so damn early that by the time we thought to do this, it was too late.
We got the call today and we will be triggering tonight. I am trying to get back to that hopeful, happy, "this is it" feeling but I'm struggling to get there.
Friday, November 25, 2011
Dear Running, I miss you.
I need to run.
I need to run but I can't.
It's not that I am injured or that I physically can't... but emotionally, I shouldn't run. It's been 19 days since my last run. You see I'm addicted to running. I love to run. I need to run for sanity, peace, and just to prove to myself that my body still works....
I ran my last race on Nov 6 and haven't run since. I need to let my body "fatten" up and with three 6 mile runs a week I wasn't able to put on the weight that my RE wants to me. I need to stop running to see if it helps with this IF stuff because if I continue running and we continue to get BFPs I'll never know if the running was effecting anything in the slightest form.
I'm desperate you see, to try anything, to see if any small change will make a difference. Unfortunately, this is a huge sacrifice for me and it's breaking my heart but I have to give it up or I won't ever forgive myself. I can't even go for one small run because I'll remember how amazing it feels and I'll want to run more and run longer and run harder. I told you... I'm addicted.
I know I WILL run again. I am after-all a runner in my heart. For now, I'm just a runner on a break who is looking forward to logging miles in the future and running her first half-marathon because when I get back in action I plan to go BIG!
I need to run but I can't.
It's not that I am injured or that I physically can't... but emotionally, I shouldn't run. It's been 19 days since my last run. You see I'm addicted to running. I love to run. I need to run for sanity, peace, and just to prove to myself that my body still works....
I ran my last race on Nov 6 and haven't run since. I need to let my body "fatten" up and with three 6 mile runs a week I wasn't able to put on the weight that my RE wants to me. I need to stop running to see if it helps with this IF stuff because if I continue running and we continue to get BFPs I'll never know if the running was effecting anything in the slightest form.
I'm desperate you see, to try anything, to see if any small change will make a difference. Unfortunately, this is a huge sacrifice for me and it's breaking my heart but I have to give it up or I won't ever forgive myself. I can't even go for one small run because I'll remember how amazing it feels and I'll want to run more and run longer and run harder. I told you... I'm addicted.
I know I WILL run again. I am after-all a runner in my heart. For now, I'm just a runner on a break who is looking forward to logging miles in the future and running her first half-marathon because when I get back in action I plan to go BIG!
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Dreaming
Even my dreams mess with me and won't let me forget that we don't have a baby.
I had a dream that my friend found out she was having a baby girl. My dream proceeded to be about her and her baby belly. Then, we randomly ended up on a game show, kind of like Wipe Out, where you run around on all of these crazy structures. It was her turn to run into a pit of balls but they had modified it for her because she was pregnant. She ended up landing softly on a pad over the balls and a doctor was right there to check on her.
I texted my friend the gist of this because I know she would find it hilarious. I men it was because it was so completely random. She then told me that she thought they might be having a girl. Since I am glutton for punishment I asked when she'd find out. I can't keep track of how far along all of my pregnant friends are. Truth is, I don't care to. She told me they find out on Dec. 20, but only her husband will find out and then write it on paper and put in an envelope for her to open Christmas morning. I've read about people doing this before and I always hoped that maybe it would magically work out to be that way for us. Well last year was a bust and I know this year the only thing we might have going for us is the IUI. I told my friend that was an excellent Christmas gift and that was the end of my texting with her this morning.
I had nothing else to say but it was all running through my mind. I wanted to cry... right there at my desk. That should have been me. We've been trying much longer than any of my friends who have gotten pregnant and since had their babies. The whole "this isn't fair" song played in my head-along with violent screaming- and I felt so sad all morning long.
AF is due this weekend and I keep hoping that maybe we did it this time-on our own. Maybe, just maybe it will work. I am trying to pay attention to what the "symptoms" are but honestly- I know what all of them are and I'm not feeling a thing. I don't even need to look up pregnancy symptoms like I used to have to during the first blissful months of TTC. Now, I have them all memorized yet never feel a damn thing except cramps and back pain and sadness.
Hopefully my next dream will be of JT and I and our baby.
I had a dream that my friend found out she was having a baby girl. My dream proceeded to be about her and her baby belly. Then, we randomly ended up on a game show, kind of like Wipe Out, where you run around on all of these crazy structures. It was her turn to run into a pit of balls but they had modified it for her because she was pregnant. She ended up landing softly on a pad over the balls and a doctor was right there to check on her.
I texted my friend the gist of this because I know she would find it hilarious. I men it was because it was so completely random. She then told me that she thought they might be having a girl. Since I am glutton for punishment I asked when she'd find out. I can't keep track of how far along all of my pregnant friends are. Truth is, I don't care to. She told me they find out on Dec. 20, but only her husband will find out and then write it on paper and put in an envelope for her to open Christmas morning. I've read about people doing this before and I always hoped that maybe it would magically work out to be that way for us. Well last year was a bust and I know this year the only thing we might have going for us is the IUI. I told my friend that was an excellent Christmas gift and that was the end of my texting with her this morning.
I had nothing else to say but it was all running through my mind. I wanted to cry... right there at my desk. That should have been me. We've been trying much longer than any of my friends who have gotten pregnant and since had their babies. The whole "this isn't fair" song played in my head-along with violent screaming- and I felt so sad all morning long.
AF is due this weekend and I keep hoping that maybe we did it this time-on our own. Maybe, just maybe it will work. I am trying to pay attention to what the "symptoms" are but honestly- I know what all of them are and I'm not feeling a thing. I don't even need to look up pregnancy symptoms like I used to have to during the first blissful months of TTC. Now, I have them all memorized yet never feel a damn thing except cramps and back pain and sadness.
Hopefully my next dream will be of JT and I and our baby.
Friday, October 28, 2011
Emotional
It's been an emotional week. I've been in a mood and have cried a lot this week.
I don't know what it is.
Perhaps the complete overwhelming feeling I have isn't helping. I just want to be somewhere low key, relaxing and doing something with my husband. Instead I'm working the craziest job running around like a chicken with my head cut off. I come home beat down and not in the mood to deal with anything or anyone really...
More pregnancy announcements popped up this week and unless you are struggling with IF I don't think you'll ever know how much of a kick in a gut it really is. Some people shrug it off and think we (those of us dealing with IF) should just realize it is going to happen and pretty much "get over it". Sorry you ignorant people, it doesn't work that way.
I must say that there are some real thoughtful people in my life who have reached out and told me their news via phone or email and I can't say how much I appreciate that or respect the fact that they did that for me. They told me they were thinking of me and didn't want to upset me. Talk about sweet! I'd rather find out the news by those methods because I can deal with it in my own way either by crying, screaming, or dazing off and then I can say Congrats and move on.
No one every told me this would be this hard.
I don't know what it is.
Perhaps the complete overwhelming feeling I have isn't helping. I just want to be somewhere low key, relaxing and doing something with my husband. Instead I'm working the craziest job running around like a chicken with my head cut off. I come home beat down and not in the mood to deal with anything or anyone really...
More pregnancy announcements popped up this week and unless you are struggling with IF I don't think you'll ever know how much of a kick in a gut it really is. Some people shrug it off and think we (those of us dealing with IF) should just realize it is going to happen and pretty much "get over it". Sorry you ignorant people, it doesn't work that way.
I must say that there are some real thoughtful people in my life who have reached out and told me their news via phone or email and I can't say how much I appreciate that or respect the fact that they did that for me. They told me they were thinking of me and didn't want to upset me. Talk about sweet! I'd rather find out the news by those methods because I can deal with it in my own way either by crying, screaming, or dazing off and then I can say Congrats and move on.
No one every told me this would be this hard.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Reaching out
I've been looking for a way that I can find some help. Someone to talk to. Someone who doesn't know me. Someone to just listen to me and remind that I'll be ok. I've found a local group through Resolve.org that I'll be going to in November. It is a small group that meets for discussion. It is a start. I also got a list of names from my ins company so I'll have to figure out how to narrow that list down and find someone to talk to one on one.
I've also been contemplating sending my closest friend an email telling them a bit about how I've been feeling lately, and how hard it can be for me to reach out to them. I need them right now and I need them push me to go out to dinner, go for a walk, or hang out because most of the time I'd rather stay at home and be alone. It is just easier. But I need them right now and I need them to know that. I just don't know how to put down in words without sounding selfish because clearly I understand they have their own lives and their own issues to deal with. I just know that I'm becoming more isolated and more resentful that despite their knowledge of our situation they aren't checking in to see how I'm holding up. I don't know... it makes me feel like a terrible person for thinking/feeling that way... but it is what it is and they don't fully understand the emotional toll this experience takes on a person.
I also talked to a friend last night who is.... you guessed it, pregnant.
She told me all about how she found out, how she told her parents and then his parents, and how far along she is and when her EDD is. I faked my way through the whole entire conversation. Laughing and oohing and aahing when appropriate. I really am so happy for my dear friend but I couldn't help the tears that pricked my eyes when it really hit me what she was saying to me. The news was then in my head for the rest of the night.... of course, on a day where I finally felt back to normal.
It is so unfair.
It is so hard to feel optimistic day in and day out.
It is so hard to go a day without thinking about our situation.
It is so hard to reach out and be real with my feelings.
It is so hard to think about that IF statistic and it seems that I am the 1 out of 8 in every single group of my friends.
I've also been contemplating sending my closest friend an email telling them a bit about how I've been feeling lately, and how hard it can be for me to reach out to them. I need them right now and I need them push me to go out to dinner, go for a walk, or hang out because most of the time I'd rather stay at home and be alone. It is just easier. But I need them right now and I need them to know that. I just don't know how to put down in words without sounding selfish because clearly I understand they have their own lives and their own issues to deal with. I just know that I'm becoming more isolated and more resentful that despite their knowledge of our situation they aren't checking in to see how I'm holding up. I don't know... it makes me feel like a terrible person for thinking/feeling that way... but it is what it is and they don't fully understand the emotional toll this experience takes on a person.
I also talked to a friend last night who is.... you guessed it, pregnant.
She told me all about how she found out, how she told her parents and then his parents, and how far along she is and when her EDD is. I faked my way through the whole entire conversation. Laughing and oohing and aahing when appropriate. I really am so happy for my dear friend but I couldn't help the tears that pricked my eyes when it really hit me what she was saying to me. The news was then in my head for the rest of the night.... of course, on a day where I finally felt back to normal.
It is so unfair.
It is so hard to feel optimistic day in and day out.
It is so hard to go a day without thinking about our situation.
It is so hard to reach out and be real with my feelings.
It is so hard to think about that IF statistic and it seems that I am the 1 out of 8 in every single group of my friends.
"Courage does not always roar.
Sometimes it's the quiet voice at the end of the day saying,
"I will try again, tomorrow."
-Mary Anne Radmacher
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Oh my heart is aching...
Dear friends-
I have a bloggy friend who needs your love right now. My heart is just aching for them and I don't know what to do. After two years of trying have a baby they decided in March to do IVF in June. They got pregnant their first cycle-at the end of June. In July they found out they were having twins. Yesterday, at 20 weeks, she had the babies and lost them both.
Please visit MissConception and give her your thoughts, prayers, hugs, whatever you can. I can't even imagine.
Thank you.
I have a bloggy friend who needs your love right now. My heart is just aching for them and I don't know what to do. After two years of trying have a baby they decided in March to do IVF in June. They got pregnant their first cycle-at the end of June. In July they found out they were having twins. Yesterday, at 20 weeks, she had the babies and lost them both.
Please visit MissConception and give her your thoughts, prayers, hugs, whatever you can. I can't even imagine.
Thank you.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Can't get out
I can't get myself out of this rut I've been in since I got AF last Monday. I am moody. I am sad. I am an angry. I don't want to do anything let alone talk to anyone. I have my husband to talk to but sometimes I don't think he really gets how I feel. I'm feeling super guilty about the fact that we can't get pregnant because of me and my stupid endometriosis. It's a lot to deal with it and I'm feeling like I can't handle the emotions and continue on with my adult responsibilities at the same time. I just want to run away on vacation.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
All at once
It always seems that pregnancy announcements come in waves. There will be a few months without any and then all of a sudden day after day I'll read of several couples expecting to expand their family in the spring.
Today I read of 5 different people.
FIVE
In one day.
Hmmmph.
Monday, October 3, 2011
On to cycle 18 we go.
The cramps came and I knew what was happening.
Shortly after the backaches started.
I went for a run and I ran hard.
I pounded my anger into the ground.
Why?
Why us?
We do what we are supposed to do. We follow the rules at work, the laws of the world, and do as we should. We are nice people. We pay our bills on time and hold doors for people. We apologize if we mess up. We take our vitamins and get our rest. We drink water and exercise. We live our life the best we know how yet we are struggling to bring another life into our world.
I cried.
I cried hard.
Shortly after the backaches started.
I went for a run and I ran hard.
I pounded my anger into the ground.
Why?
Why us?
We do what we are supposed to do. We follow the rules at work, the laws of the world, and do as we should. We are nice people. We pay our bills on time and hold doors for people. We apologize if we mess up. We take our vitamins and get our rest. We drink water and exercise. We live our life the best we know how yet we are struggling to bring another life into our world.
I cried.
I cried hard.
Monday, September 26, 2011
I forget.
I forget what it is like to imagine myself pregnant. To picture myself with a baby belly. To imagine the way it will feel when I get kicked for the first time.
I forget what it is like to think about how I'll feel the first time I see two pink lines... it doesn't feel like it's something I'll ever experience first hand.
I forget what it is like to stand in the doorway of our second bedroom and imagine where I would put baby furniture and what color we'd paint the walls once we found out the gender of the baby.
I forget what it is like to be blissfully unaware of the struggles many couples face to achieve the family they've always dreamed of.
I forget what it is like to count ahead on the calendar and figure out why THAT month would be the perfect month to have baby... or when we'd be able to tell family about our bundle of joy.
I've been good about keeping my mind busy. Real busy. I've been busy with work, busy with family, just busy with stuff.
I try to stay positive. I try to stay up beat... and then someone will tell me they are expecting, or I'll see a mother and her child and I'll hear the sweet words they exchange and I'll wonder if I'll ever get to hold a tiny hand in my hand and know that I'm that little one's whole world.
This IF stuff is hard. Real hard.
I keep my fingers crossed that we'll miraculously get pregnant this cycle...
but...
but in the back of my mind I think it won't happen
and then I feel like I've jinxed us
and I'll lose hope.
I forget what it is like to think about how I'll feel the first time I see two pink lines... it doesn't feel like it's something I'll ever experience first hand.
I forget what it is like to stand in the doorway of our second bedroom and imagine where I would put baby furniture and what color we'd paint the walls once we found out the gender of the baby.
I forget what it is like to be blissfully unaware of the struggles many couples face to achieve the family they've always dreamed of.
I forget what it is like to count ahead on the calendar and figure out why THAT month would be the perfect month to have baby... or when we'd be able to tell family about our bundle of joy.
I've been good about keeping my mind busy. Real busy. I've been busy with work, busy with family, just busy with stuff.
I try to stay positive. I try to stay up beat... and then someone will tell me they are expecting, or I'll see a mother and her child and I'll hear the sweet words they exchange and I'll wonder if I'll ever get to hold a tiny hand in my hand and know that I'm that little one's whole world.
This IF stuff is hard. Real hard.
I keep my fingers crossed that we'll miraculously get pregnant this cycle...
but...
but in the back of my mind I think it won't happen
and then I feel like I've jinxed us
and I'll lose hope.
At this moment my husband and I are at different ends of the decision making process.
He isn't sure what we should do. I know what I want to do.
I am ready to go. He is not.
I know we'll figure out the finances. He worries too much about it... well maybe he's more logical.
I'm a different person now.
I don't know if others know this yet or if they can feel it.
I forget what it is like to just be me.
Friday, September 9, 2011
Oh Facebook... You Kill Me
Everyone and their brother is on Facebook and most of the time I love it. I love that I can keep up with friends and family that live in other states and I love that I find some pretty cool websites and things on there.
What I don't love, along with any other IF woman out there, is when someone posts a status or a photo to announce their pregnancy. Of course, deep down I am thrilled for the couple and their exciting news, but the reality it is such a blow in the gut. No one understand that but the ones who can't wait to be able to say that they are pregnant. Innocent as it may be, it's the truth.
Some times I handle these announcements with grace and little stomach pangs and then once and while I'll get this fluttering in my stomach and then I forget to breathe. Today I forgot to breathe. I couldn't believe what I was reading. Something so simple as:
"I'm 10 weeks pregnant, :)"
made my heart stop.
Jealousy.
Pain.
Anger.
Desire to be the one to make that statement.
(though I'll no longer be posting a crazy Facebook status about us being pregnant.. whenever that does happen, because I know how it feels to be punched in the gut and I don't want to do that to anyone else)
Facebook can be great at times but other times it kills me. It really kills me.
What I don't love, along with any other IF woman out there, is when someone posts a status or a photo to announce their pregnancy. Of course, deep down I am thrilled for the couple and their exciting news, but the reality it is such a blow in the gut. No one understand that but the ones who can't wait to be able to say that they are pregnant. Innocent as it may be, it's the truth.
Some times I handle these announcements with grace and little stomach pangs and then once and while I'll get this fluttering in my stomach and then I forget to breathe. Today I forgot to breathe. I couldn't believe what I was reading. Something so simple as:
"I'm 10 weeks pregnant, :)"
made my heart stop.
Jealousy.
Pain.
Anger.
Desire to be the one to make that statement.
(though I'll no longer be posting a crazy Facebook status about us being pregnant.. whenever that does happen, because I know how it feels to be punched in the gut and I don't want to do that to anyone else)
Facebook can be great at times but other times it kills me. It really kills me.
Monday, August 15, 2011
Rough Month
I did in fact get AF. The night of my last post in fact.
The cramping wasn't bad but my mood was. I was such a bitch to be around. I didn't want to do anything, talk to anyone or go anywhere. I was so mad at the world.
JT went in for his second seaman analysis. I have yet to hear about those results and I don't know if I should be worried or not...
I did go in for cycle day three blood work (for a second time). This time they took 6 or 7 vials of blood. Which they didn't do when I went into get this blood work done before. My thyroid level was in the high end of normal again.... so my RE wanted me to up my dose from 12.5mcg to 37.5. That means I am adding one whole pill to my morning. Crazy!
I then had to go in for cycle day ten blood work and that was easy- only one vial- but the place I went to messed things up so I had to wait longer than I should have because some how... on the sign in sheet it got marked that I was seen, when in fact- I was not! So I waited probably 45 minutes longer than I should have. I finally go in for the internal ultrasound, which went well. Once that was done I was out of there.
The next thing we have coming up is my laprascopic surgery.
The cramping wasn't bad but my mood was. I was such a bitch to be around. I didn't want to do anything, talk to anyone or go anywhere. I was so mad at the world.
JT went in for his second seaman analysis. I have yet to hear about those results and I don't know if I should be worried or not...
I did go in for cycle day three blood work (for a second time). This time they took 6 or 7 vials of blood. Which they didn't do when I went into get this blood work done before. My thyroid level was in the high end of normal again.... so my RE wanted me to up my dose from 12.5mcg to 37.5. That means I am adding one whole pill to my morning. Crazy!
I then had to go in for cycle day ten blood work and that was easy- only one vial- but the place I went to messed things up so I had to wait longer than I should have because some how... on the sign in sheet it got marked that I was seen, when in fact- I was not! So I waited probably 45 minutes longer than I should have. I finally go in for the internal ultrasound, which went well. Once that was done I was out of there.
The next thing we have coming up is my laprascopic surgery.
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