Ever since C turned 2 I am getting asked on a consistent basis about when we'll have another one. Only a few have really come out and asked that question while most people tip toe around it without coming right out and saying it. They say things like "Oh he'll make a great big brother..." Or "Almost time for another!" and I think they want me to tell them when it's going to happen. I don't. I won't.
The truth is: I don't know when it will happen. Honestly, I don't know if it will happen. I'm not in any rush just yet. Despite the fact that I would love to give C a sibling in the near future, we're not ready. Our house has gotten smaller somehow. The thought of another human living here makes me squirm. We also haven't mastered sleeping through the night so I feel like a newborn would make sure that none of us ever get sleep. My husband isn't ready and I'm not ready for him to resent me for the rest of our lives.
The biggest worry for me is is that we would do a FET and what if that doesn't work? What if they don't thaw well? What if the one we transfer doesn't take? That's it folks. I don't know how we'd afford a fresh IVF cycle considering the fact that we are still paying off the first one.
I'm terrified of the irony that could exist. Us not being ready for a second child and then when we are ready it not even being an option for us. The world is cruel sometimes. I'm not ready to find out what is in store for us.
I wish I could be excited at the thought of getting pregnant again. Being pregnant again- yes. I'd love to be pregnant again. I loved every second of it, even when I thought my vagina bone was going to break. However, getting pregnant. That's a whole different ball game. I'm just scared and I think about it every single day.
Showing posts with label ramblings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ramblings. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 30, 2014
Monday, July 28, 2014
Under Pressure
It's all around me.
People getting pregnant, or trying for baby number 2, or having baby number 2 or 3. As I just turned 30 this month I'm beginning to feel the pressure to begin our journey for number 2. However, I'm not ready for that.
I hear how insanely hard it is with two. "Different" is the word most people use. Some won't really tell you how tough it is because for some reason everyone likes to pretend life is grand and filled with candy and unicorns. I know better than that. I'd rather know so I can prepare myself mentally for the shift that would take place.
I know that lack of sleep will suck again. I know that if I feel overwhelmed with not having much "me" time now with one, then having 2 will only make my head crazier. I know that it means that running will probably take a backseat for awhile and I'll be spending most of my time nursing- hopefully that works out well again.
I've got things I want to do, and until they are done I don't think I can start trying for number two. That's the other thing that's different this time. Trying no longer means tracking 409809 things and hitting the sheets. Trying means getting monitored, having blood work, getting injections and a Frozen Egg Transfer. My word trying this time around means preparing ourselves for it all. The mood swings. The bloat. The potential let down.
I'm afraid of what that will do to me as a mother. I want to soak up all the minutes of C's life but sometimes it's all too much. What if I can't handle being a momma to 2? What if being on the injections makes me unable to be with C the way I'd want to? I'm sure it will.
I do know that I want Carter to have a sibling. I want him to have a built in buddy, hopefully a best friend. I don't want him going through life alone should some kind of tragedy occur. I daydream about him cuddling, feeding and playing with a baby brother or sister.
What if the cycles don't work and then we're trying again for 2 years. Ugh. I never wanted to have a child past 31. Our who life "plan" changed so much. It is what it is and there is nothing I can do about it, but it sucks to be such a bystander in your own life. Watching as things happen, hoping that you get pregnant on your own but full well knowing it won't happen that way.
I'm pretty sure I'm not making any sense right now. I just need to get all of these ramblings out.
Once again I feel like I'm being left behind in the world of the fertile. We were the first to start trying, the last to actually have our baby and now everyone is having number 2 and here we are again. Probably the last to have another baby. I know life isn't a contest but it would be really nice to think, "oh a spring baby would be nice" and then have it happen. I will never know what that's like.
All of this pressure is too much. All I know is that we are not ready for number two and there is NOTHING wrong with that but I feel like I have to defend our choices as people start asking me.
::sigh::
People getting pregnant, or trying for baby number 2, or having baby number 2 or 3. As I just turned 30 this month I'm beginning to feel the pressure to begin our journey for number 2. However, I'm not ready for that.
I hear how insanely hard it is with two. "Different" is the word most people use. Some won't really tell you how tough it is because for some reason everyone likes to pretend life is grand and filled with candy and unicorns. I know better than that. I'd rather know so I can prepare myself mentally for the shift that would take place.
I know that lack of sleep will suck again. I know that if I feel overwhelmed with not having much "me" time now with one, then having 2 will only make my head crazier. I know that it means that running will probably take a backseat for awhile and I'll be spending most of my time nursing- hopefully that works out well again.
I've got things I want to do, and until they are done I don't think I can start trying for number two. That's the other thing that's different this time. Trying no longer means tracking 409809 things and hitting the sheets. Trying means getting monitored, having blood work, getting injections and a Frozen Egg Transfer. My word trying this time around means preparing ourselves for it all. The mood swings. The bloat. The potential let down.
I'm afraid of what that will do to me as a mother. I want to soak up all the minutes of C's life but sometimes it's all too much. What if I can't handle being a momma to 2? What if being on the injections makes me unable to be with C the way I'd want to? I'm sure it will.
I do know that I want Carter to have a sibling. I want him to have a built in buddy, hopefully a best friend. I don't want him going through life alone should some kind of tragedy occur. I daydream about him cuddling, feeding and playing with a baby brother or sister.
What if the cycles don't work and then we're trying again for 2 years. Ugh. I never wanted to have a child past 31. Our who life "plan" changed so much. It is what it is and there is nothing I can do about it, but it sucks to be such a bystander in your own life. Watching as things happen, hoping that you get pregnant on your own but full well knowing it won't happen that way.
I'm pretty sure I'm not making any sense right now. I just need to get all of these ramblings out.
Once again I feel like I'm being left behind in the world of the fertile. We were the first to start trying, the last to actually have our baby and now everyone is having number 2 and here we are again. Probably the last to have another baby. I know life isn't a contest but it would be really nice to think, "oh a spring baby would be nice" and then have it happen. I will never know what that's like.
All of this pressure is too much. All I know is that we are not ready for number two and there is NOTHING wrong with that but I feel like I have to defend our choices as people start asking me.
::sigh::
Sunday, March 30, 2014
The What-Ifs
This is ridiculous. We aren't even close to actually trying for baby number 2 but already, the What-Ifs are crossing my mind, chasing hope and turning it into fear.
What if we don't get pregnant on our own? Why do I even think this is possible after all we went through? I have no idea, perhaps the growing number of surprise BFPs by my IF mommy friends.
What if our FET doesn't work?
What if we then have to do IVF and that doesn't work? We wouldn't be able to afford another round of IVF.
What if we have to accept the fact that Carter has to be an only child when we want so badly to give him a sibling?
What if we get no choice in the matter?
Will I be able to rid myself of that guilt?
What if I never had to go through any of this?
What if we don't get pregnant on our own? Why do I even think this is possible after all we went through? I have no idea, perhaps the growing number of surprise BFPs by my IF mommy friends.
What if our FET doesn't work?
What if we then have to do IVF and that doesn't work? We wouldn't be able to afford another round of IVF.
What if we have to accept the fact that Carter has to be an only child when we want so badly to give him a sibling?
What if we get no choice in the matter?
Will I be able to rid myself of that guilt?
What if I never had to go through any of this?
Thursday, March 20, 2014
Back.
My mind is back in the anxiety place when I think about trying for another baby.
Back to the worries. Back to the place where I know it's going to take charge of my life and while I hope and pray that it won't take charge for too long.... I'm realistic. I remember it all too well. You'd think after 2 years I'd be free from the pain, the heart ache, and at peace with the way things worked out. But I'm not.
I'm still here, with the scars deep in my heart. I am still surrounded by women who get pregnant when they just think about it, women who can plan out when they'll likely get pregnant-- and it actually happens for them and women who are blissfully unaware of any of the difficulties other women go through.
This winter has been tough for me emotionally. Specifically January and February and March. Last year I was so busy with a newborn I didn't have time to think about what the previous year had been for me and my husband. We were celebrating our little miracle just as we should. However, this year is a totally different story and I don't know why. I half wonder, and half worry, if it will be like this each year, but only time will tell. The cold weather, the early mornings, the songs playing on the radio bring me back to the days of monitoring appointments, lots of blood work, and needs, oh the needles! When I hear any Adele tune and my mind instantly goes to the place where I was so fragile and in the fake it til you make it phase. I kept to myself. I didn't go to baby showers. I couldn't even watch commercials with babies in them. It was by far the darkest time in my life. A place which I'd never like to return to again.
My husband and I are both in agreement that we are not ready for a second child at this time. However, I worry about my endometriosis. I know it's back. I can feel it and what it's doing to my insides. I worry it's going to be out of control by the time next year comes and we are ready to try for a second baby. Regardless of the fact that our future TTC plans are so far away I'm already feeling anxious about it. I don't need to be thinking about it, yet I am. It's there, eating away at the part of my mind that had finally, just started to heal.
I've been back into my running for about a year now and that has allowed me to feel more at peace with my body. After having close to two years when my body let me down month after month, it's taken a long time to trust it again. Thank goodness nursing worked out for us, it made me feel better about my body at least being able to do one baby related function!
Like I said, our plans are a year away and I'm already worried about how to handle treatments with a 2+ year old boy. How will he understand that mommy's belly hurts from all the injections or that mommy has to lie on the couch after egg retrieval because she needs to rest. How will he understand why mommy is crying in the bathroom when another pee stick is stark white? I hope to stay strong in front of him, but I know, the all consuming pain and stress this kind of journey can bring to ones life. Even typing this out brings tears to my eyes.
I have everything crossed that I won't need to do another lap and that our 4 embryos will survive thawing and transfer. I know we have a chance of having to do IVF all over again, but if that doesn't work, if for some reason it doesn't work the first time, I don't know what we'll do. We wouldn't financially be able to do another. We are still paying off the IUI and IVF we did 2 years ago.
It's a crazy road to be on again, but my mind is back there, and I'm not a fan.
Back to the worries. Back to the place where I know it's going to take charge of my life and while I hope and pray that it won't take charge for too long.... I'm realistic. I remember it all too well. You'd think after 2 years I'd be free from the pain, the heart ache, and at peace with the way things worked out. But I'm not.
I'm still here, with the scars deep in my heart. I am still surrounded by women who get pregnant when they just think about it, women who can plan out when they'll likely get pregnant-- and it actually happens for them and women who are blissfully unaware of any of the difficulties other women go through.
This winter has been tough for me emotionally. Specifically January and February and March. Last year I was so busy with a newborn I didn't have time to think about what the previous year had been for me and my husband. We were celebrating our little miracle just as we should. However, this year is a totally different story and I don't know why. I half wonder, and half worry, if it will be like this each year, but only time will tell. The cold weather, the early mornings, the songs playing on the radio bring me back to the days of monitoring appointments, lots of blood work, and needs, oh the needles! When I hear any Adele tune and my mind instantly goes to the place where I was so fragile and in the fake it til you make it phase. I kept to myself. I didn't go to baby showers. I couldn't even watch commercials with babies in them. It was by far the darkest time in my life. A place which I'd never like to return to again.
My husband and I are both in agreement that we are not ready for a second child at this time. However, I worry about my endometriosis. I know it's back. I can feel it and what it's doing to my insides. I worry it's going to be out of control by the time next year comes and we are ready to try for a second baby. Regardless of the fact that our future TTC plans are so far away I'm already feeling anxious about it. I don't need to be thinking about it, yet I am. It's there, eating away at the part of my mind that had finally, just started to heal.
I've been back into my running for about a year now and that has allowed me to feel more at peace with my body. After having close to two years when my body let me down month after month, it's taken a long time to trust it again. Thank goodness nursing worked out for us, it made me feel better about my body at least being able to do one baby related function!
Like I said, our plans are a year away and I'm already worried about how to handle treatments with a 2+ year old boy. How will he understand that mommy's belly hurts from all the injections or that mommy has to lie on the couch after egg retrieval because she needs to rest. How will he understand why mommy is crying in the bathroom when another pee stick is stark white? I hope to stay strong in front of him, but I know, the all consuming pain and stress this kind of journey can bring to ones life. Even typing this out brings tears to my eyes.
I have everything crossed that I won't need to do another lap and that our 4 embryos will survive thawing and transfer. I know we have a chance of having to do IVF all over again, but if that doesn't work, if for some reason it doesn't work the first time, I don't know what we'll do. We wouldn't financially be able to do another. We are still paying off the IUI and IVF we did 2 years ago.
It's a crazy road to be on again, but my mind is back there, and I'm not a fan.
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