Reality Sets In

I had a really hard time going back to work today.  Like, a really hard time.  I was angry and couldn't stop saying how much I hated it there and swearing at the fact that I couldn't be home on the couch.  You would think that after 7 days of being couch bound one would be ready to head out into the world... but that wasn't the case for me.

I annoyed because my job causes so much stress and I'm pretty much over being a teacher. I just need a break.  I have been saying it for years but for one reason or another I need to keep my job because at the time it was too risky to try and find something else.  Having 2 weeks off (the first was our district vacation- here in New England we have a Feb vaca for skiing and an April vaca for fun?)  was so relaxing and nice.  I was really able to just let go and not worry about what parent I needed to call, what form needed to be turned into the office, what pile of papers I needed to correct next and what children needed talking to for one reason or another.  Teaching is a big job and having time away from that was fabulous.

The biggest reason why I was so bummed about going to work today was because it meant that I was going to back to reality... getting back to the grind and the daily routines of life.  We had for 2 weeks-during the tail end of stims, the trigger shot, the ER bed rest and then the ET followed by more bed rest- where we were doing something huge to try and bring a baby into our lives.  Unless you're going through it you have no idea what that is like.  The emotional part and the physical part are not something you can prepare for.  The financial part sucks and it pulls the strings tighter on the wallet, but once you set a budget you can prepare for that.  The rest you can't.  I felt like getting back to reality was like the time we spent together,working for our baby, never existed.  Everyone was still going on with their lives and had no idea what we had just been working through together.

I felt this way when we got back from our honeymoon 3 and half years ago.  We were so happy in our newlywed honeymoon bubble that coming back home-while nice- was so strange.  How were we supposed to go from the most amazing 10 days of our lives back to work and back to the mundane things in life?  I'm trying to figure out how to go from the hopeful, stress free, relaxed couple that spend time day dreaming about our baby snuggling up in my uterus to the teacher, doing her job and pretending like she wants to be there.  I don't want to be there and while it is a nice distraction to me pondering if what I notice my body going through is because of the hormones I'm on or because maybe- just maybe I'm pregnant, my job is just that- a distraction.

I can't focus on anything.  I have a serious case of ADD.  I know there is nothing I can do to ensure that our blast sticks.  At this point it is either nestled in nicely or it's not... and I don't know what to think about that.  I mean, I have no control over it so why bother wasting my time worrying if this certain movement is going to cause me to become un-pregnant.  It all sounds so lame as I type it out but there is no explaining the IF brain and the train of thoughts that are free flowing in no logical rhyme or reason.

I just can't wait for beta next week. I know it will be here before I know it, but I just want to know right now if it worked.  If only it were that simple.