Easing My Anxiety

We met with a new RE at our same office.  We enjoyed our last RE but since our office is so large and the doctors are all spread out we had to drive an hour to see him. That was no big deal when it was just the two of us, but now that we need to get a sitter to attend these appointments, it makes more sense to be able to see a Dr. in one of their closer offices.  She was really nice and I know we are going to enjoy working with her.

We talked about my endometriosis and how I'm feeling super bloated, exhausted, and experience pain during sex, periods, and going to the bathroom.  It totally sucks and is definitely taking a toll on me physically and mentally. We talked about Lupron and how it wouldn't be something she'd recommend with my history of migraines.  Ok, so that's off the table.  I wanted to try and tame my endo not only so I'd feel better but to help our success with the future FET.  She didn't seem to think that it would effect our success rate, which was encouraging.

She gave us the information I wanted on the FET and on paper it seemed SO simple compared to the work that went into the IVF.  Questions about thawing and finances were covered.  We talked about a timeline of June or July.  It has to be after I run my 2nd marathon in June.

Until then, I'm going in for blood work and a sono HSG.  My husband will also get an updated blood work panel. We will then meet again to talk about what to do for my endometriosis so that I can feel more like myself again.

All of my anxiety and worries went away and I'm feeling better after this meeting. I am well aware that my worries and emotional state will fluctuate as we get closer to, and are in the thick of, the FET.

Appointment with RE made

My endometriosis is back in full force. I can feel it. I'm exhausted, more so than "normal" and yes I'm training for a marathon so I'm sure that has something to do with it, but I didn't feel this tired last training cycle.  It is the winter and I know my body wants to hibernate, but I also know what I feel.  I'm bloated. So bloated. My face is a wreck. My cycles are getting shorter, yet heavier and more disgusting. I have back pain. It hurts to have sex in certain positions. It can hurt to poop. TMI... yeah, no such thing as that on this blog.

Anyway. It's back and I know it and I want to see what I can do to "fix" or alleviate it before we do a FET some time in the summer or early fall. So, I made an appointment with the RE to talk about possibly taking the Lupron pill.  If that's even something that would work for me in the first place.  If not, we'll schedule another lap.  I'd like to avoid that if possible though.

I also have many questions about FET...

How many do they thaw at once?
Would they be able to refreeze any we didn't use?
The general injection process/cost since we don't have insurance coverage. Damn you New Hampshire.

I just want to get a plan and timeline in place so that we can be ready to do the FET when we want to. Instead of feeling like we are ready for FET and then we have to wait for my endo to clear up.

I'm already feeling emotional about the FET.

If this doesn't work then we're 95% done having kids.  I don't know where we'd come up with another 10 grand (that is if the price hasn't gone up since we did IVF 3 yrs ago) to do a fresh cycle.

One thing at a time though. I'm hoping meeting up with the RE to talk it out will ease my mind.

I find it quite fitting that the day and time that our appointment is set for is the exact day and time I was going to ask for.  When the assistant told me the next available appointment date and time I was speechless. It's like it was meant to be.  You know how us IF girls are. We look for hope anywhere we can, so I'm taking this as a good sign!

Back.

My mind is back in the anxiety place when I think about trying for another baby.

Back to the worries. Back to the place where I know it's going to take charge of my life and while I hope and pray that it won't take charge for too long.... I'm realistic. I remember it all too well. You'd think after 2 years I'd be free from the pain, the heart ache, and at peace with the way things worked out. But I'm not.

I'm still here, with the scars deep in my heart.  I am still surrounded by women who get pregnant when they just think about it, women who can plan out when they'll likely get pregnant-- and it actually happens for them and women who are blissfully unaware of any of the difficulties other women go through.

This winter has been tough for me emotionally. Specifically January and February and March.  Last year I was so busy with a newborn I didn't have time to think about what the previous year had been for me and my husband. We were celebrating our little miracle just as we should.  However, this year is a totally different story and I don't know why.  I half wonder, and half worry, if it will be like this each year, but only time will tell.  The cold weather, the early mornings, the songs playing on the radio bring me back to the days of monitoring appointments, lots of blood work, and needs, oh the needles! When I hear any Adele tune and my mind instantly goes to the place where I was so fragile and in the fake it til you make it phase. I kept to myself. I didn't go to baby showers. I couldn't even watch commercials with babies in them. It was by far the darkest time in my life.  A place which I'd never like to return to again.

My husband and I are both in agreement that we are not ready for a second child at this time.  However, I worry about my endometriosis. I know it's back. I can feel it and what it's doing to my insides. I worry it's going to be out of control by the time next year comes and we are ready to try for a second baby.  Regardless of the fact that our future TTC plans are so far away I'm already feeling anxious about it.  I don't need to be thinking about it, yet I am. It's there, eating away at the part of my mind that had finally, just started to heal.

I've been back into my running for about a year now and that has allowed me to feel more at peace with my body.  After having close to two years when my body let me down month after month, it's taken a long time to trust it again. Thank goodness nursing worked out for us, it made me feel better about my body at least being able to do one baby related function!

Like I said, our plans are a year away and I'm already worried about how to handle treatments with a 2+ year old boy.  How will he understand that mommy's belly hurts from all the injections or that mommy has to lie on the couch after egg retrieval because she needs to rest.  How will he understand why mommy is crying in the bathroom when another pee stick is stark white? I hope to stay strong in front of him, but I know, the all consuming pain and stress this kind of journey can bring to ones life.  Even typing this out brings tears to my eyes.

I have everything crossed that I won't need to do another lap and that our 4 embryos will survive thawing and transfer.  I know we have a chance of having to do IVF all over again, but if that doesn't work, if for some reason it doesn't work the first time, I don't know what we'll do.  We wouldn't financially be able to do another.  We are still paying off the IUI and IVF we did 2 years ago.

It's a crazy road to be on again, but my mind is back there, and I'm not a fan.

Blogging for Endometriosis: The Physical Pain

I got my period when I was 11 and everything seemed fine then.  I had mild cramping but from what I knew, that "ran" in the family.  I remember a couple of times I had sharp pains on my right side and my mom told me it was ovulation happening.  By the time I was 15 I started taking the birth control pill.... not to steer away the cramps but because I had a serious boyfriend (my now husband!) and  didn't know what was going to happen but knew I wanted to be safe.  While on the pill I had little to no cramping and a light flow.  During the next 5 years I would change the kind I was on trying to find the right hormone balance because I would have break through bleeding or get headaches.  Finally, we found one that worked with my body.... but eventually I was getting migraines every day at 3pm.  I went to see my PCP and he said the only way we'll know if it is the pill is if you go off it.  I went off the pill and felt like a new person! No headaches, no crazy mood swings, finally felt "normal".  This only lasted for so long.

It took awhile for my cycles to even out after being of the pill but eventually I came to 28 day cycles.  I had clots while I bled and eventually the intense cramping started and I found myself needed to cuddle up with a heating pad a couple of days each cycle.  Along with the cramps came the intense back ache and fatigue.  I didn't want to do anything but lie on the couch or my bed. I found myself feeling hugely bloated the week before, the week of and the week after my period.... leaving me with only one week in a month to feel like myself and to be able to wear pants with a button! I had so much bloating that I went back to my PCP and we talked about the fact that I may be allergic to something I'm eating... I'm telling you this because Endometriosis is so often thought to be something that it is not.

It wasn't until we were TTC (In my mid-twenties) that the word Endometriosis ever came up.  My OB/GYN suspected it with the symptoms I was having every cycle.  Once the time came to get referred to an RE the first thing he wanted to do was laparoscopic surgery to find out of I had Endometriosis and sure enough I did... Stage 3.  It was nice to actually have a name for what I'd been feeling and dealing with for two years of my life.

Most recently while being on hormones and such for IUI or our now IVF cycle I feel my Endometriosis has flared incredibly. My bleeding has become so heavy that I didn't know if I would be able to stay at work.  The cramps had me bent over and I couldn't focus on anything other than waiting to go home.  It put me on the couch for 3 days straight with a heating pad and such intense back ache I didn't know if I was going to vomit or cry.  It was the worst and I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

I've had to cancel plans and move things around because of this pain.  It sucks. Period.  (ha! no pun intended)  There are so many of us struggling with this disease and I'm so thankful to be able to come together to share our stories.

Blogging for Endometriosis-Yellow Shirt Day

Here I am wearing my new yellow shirt from Old Navy. I purchased this specifically for Endometriosis Awareness and Yellow Shirt Day! I posted on my Facebook a stat about Endo and asked my friends and family to wear yellow, I hope you'll wear something yellow today, too!

It's official: I'm a pin cushion!

Got up bright and early this morning to head to the clinic and get my blood work done.  It was actually nice to be out on the road so early on a Saturday morning because there was no out there. It was just me, the road, the sunrise and Adele.

It was my first time going on a Saturday to this clinic. I've had monitoring on a Sunday before but had to go to a different clinic because the one I typically go to isn't open on Sundays.  Anyway, the nurse I usually see, the one who knows me by name wasn't there.  Instead there was this older woman, with an accent.  (I have nothing against accents, I actually love them and talk in random ones at home- which makes my husband die laughing) I mention the accent thing so you can picture what I'm about to say better.  She was very quick and cold with me.  She took awhile to get started because she was messing around with something on the counter and then when she was ready she moved quickly and was out the door with a barely audible "goodbye"  It kind of annoyed me.  I am thankful that I've never met her before because I would not look forward to going to monitoring if I had her every time.  The people I usually deal with have a personality and are nice.  This lady wasn't.  I mean, sure something could have happened that started her day off on the wrong foot, but that shouldn't change how polite and nice you are at this kind of clinic.

Anyway, I went food shopping after and had this great plan to be super productive this morning.  However, my body had other plans for me.  As I was shopping I started to get mild cramps and back ache again.   By the time I got home I just wanted to get into bed without dealing with the unloading of the bags and putting the food away. (I hate that part).  I climbed into bed after and curled up in the fetal position.  I fell asleep for a little bit but was woken up an hour later with super intense pain.  I went down to the couch where my heating pad is and put it on the highest setting.  I was stuck on the couch until about noon time.  I wanted to cry or throw up because my back and cramps hurt so bad. I don't know what the meds I'm on is doing to my endometriosis but I don't like it one bit.  It's day 3 of my cycle and I've never had this intense pain on CD 3 before... usually it goes away by CD 2. It's hurting me and I just want to be able to move around like a normal person.  I took some pain reliever but that didn't do anything.  Finally, it subsided and I'm able to be up and moving again but I know it will come back later day.

The nurse called me and told me to start Men.opur.  Which means I am now on 3 injections a day. Lup.ron in the morning and Gon.al-F and Men.opur at night.  Holy crap. I'm officially a pin cushion between these shots and getting my blood work done.  I'm nervous for the Men.opur because it's intramuscular.It was totally subq.  I know it will be fine once we get the first one out of the way, but still... it makes my heart pound just thinking about it.  Any tips or tricks you have would be great!

Endometriosis Stage III

That's what I have.

On Thursday, August 25 JT and I made our way to the Surgery Center for 6:30 am.  I was the first one there and the first one registered for the morning.  It was cold. Very cold in there. I wondered if the other rooms were this cold.  We sat for a bit and then they called me back.  I kissed JT and was off.  The nurse asked me if I wanted him to come back with me.

Yes. Yes, I did. And so, he did.

After changing into an oh-so-sexy gown and blue socks I was asked to sit down in this recliner chair that they have in those places.  She took my blood pressure asked me some questions about piercings and allergies and then attempted to get an IV in my hand.  The veins in my hand are small so she had to resort to my arm.

I did not watch. Could not watch. The needle was so big.  So, it was JT's face that I stared at as she poked me.

The nurse then put the heart monitor things on my chest and later came back with these weird bands for your calf something about preventing clots ??

We waited for a bit and then the anesthesiologist came to talk with me and to get me.  I got up and gave JT a kiss and walked back to the room with him.  He asked me to get up on the table carefully, which was hard to do without flashing everyone!  

Once on the table they straitened out the wires and tubes and everything that was on me.  The anesthesiologist told me he put something in my IV that would make me feel heavy.  The other guy put an oxygen mask on my face and told me to breath slowly.  At first I didn't feel anything, and then all of a sudden I closed my eyes....

I opened my eyes about 60 minutes later (so I am told) and heard my name being called.  JT was brought to my side and I could feel him next to me only I couldn't open my eyes.  They were so heavy.

My chest was heavy too and when I tried to tell JT that I couldn't breathe very well I realized how much my throat hurt from the tube they put down there!

The nurse got JT some ice chips to give me and after a few minutes I was waking up more and more.  I was shaking though and couldn't stop.  I am told this is something that happens when the drugs wear off.  I guess that's good!  I had cramping and pains and so the nurse gave me some more meds.

After awhile I was able to get my clothes on and was walked over to the same kind of recliner I sat in before.  I was told I couldn't leave until I peed.  I started to get really dizzy and felt like I was going to be sick. JT told the nurse and got me a pan just in time.  I threw up a few times (embarrassingly so- in front of all those other people).  I felt so much better though.  I had some crackers and my mouth felt so dry, no matter what I had to drink or the ice I had to suck on.

I had the urge to pee and tried to go but nothing came out.  I could tell it was going to hurt when I did end up going.  They put a catheter in- another thing I didn't prepare for!  After some more liquids through the IV and another hour and a half I finally peed.  Not a whole lot, but enough to be able to get out of there.  As much as I enjoyed the nurse taking care of me, I wanted to be home.

Once home I set up camp in the brown recliner, which I had prepared with a table full things the night before. I slept on and off all day and only got up-with much help- to go to the bathroom. I even slept there throughout the night with JT on the couch and our pup somewhere on the floor.  Amazing how dogs just know something is going on.

Friday JT had to work so my mom came over and took care of me... getting me something to drink, making me food, and helping me up to the bathroom.  I slept again on the recliner that night with JT on the couch. This day started the pain in my incisions (one in my belly button and one above my pubic hair line).  I had to ice on and off and take some meds.  I don't like the Percocets, they make me loopy.

Saturday JT had to work again, so a friend came over for a bit to hang out.  I can start to get up some but don't too much because it still hurts my stomach muscles.  My friend did the dishes for me and makes me some lunch. JT doesn't get home until late, which annoys me.... but my parents come by for a bit for a visit and a check in.

Sunday I am trying to move around more but I feel dizzy and so tired.  I finally got to take a shower and was so happy to get one in because it had been since Thursday morning! I also am glad that I got one in because of the hurricane that was on it's way. Yikes.

Monday- today- I should be at work but instead I am taking another day.  I am trying to do more but am thankful for the ability to lie on the couch and rest if I need it.  Tomorrow we have our post op appointment where the RE will go over what he found and what it means for our future.  JT is in denial that we'll need any procedures to help us get pregnant. I am fully aware that that might be our only option.

Endometriosis Stage 3. I'm not happy to meet you.

CD 21 test results

My progesterone level came back at a 15 which is good- according to my doctor.  Since this level came back normal we can point the finger to endometriosis for the madness that is happening in my uterus.  I have really bad lower back pains, clotty periods, terrible cramps and fatigue.

My OB is having me take progesterone from the day I ovulate until the day I am supposed to get my period.  Progesterone has been said to help endometriosis.  Maybe this will help us.  I sure hope so!  On the day that I am supposed to get my period I would test.  If it comes back positive I would continue with the progesterone.  If it comes back negative I would stop and let myself bleed and start up a new cycle.

I got AF on Friday, so we are no officially in cycle number 9.  I never thought we'd get this far.  I love the number 3 and 3 times 3 is nine, so maybe this is our lucky cycle.

A visit to the Dr.

The results for my blood work taken on Day 3 of my cycle came back normal.  This is good news!

I went this morning to get blood work done again, this time to check my progesterone levels.  There has been question about this hormone in my body before.  I am anxious to hear the results about that.

After I got my blood work done I went to my OB's office.  I had an internal ultrasound of my uterus to check the lining and the ovaries.  Turns out I have a simple (clear) cyst on my right ovary.  This ovary is where all of my past cysts have been found.  This cyst measures 3 by 3 cms.  It is leaking fluid.  I don't know exactly what that means.  I mean, the doctor told me but I forgot exactly what she said.  There was so much discussed this morning it is hard to keep it straight.

I was also told that my uterus has a slightly odd shape... in that instead of going pretty straight across the top, mine dips down a bit.  On top of that I have a tilted uterus.  These two things could go against me in trying to conceive.

Another thing we discussed was possible endometriosis, which is when the blood that grows in your uterus begins to grow outside the uterus causing build up and scaring because the tissue has no where to go.  We won't discuss further diagnosis of this until we get the results back from the blood work I had today.

It is a lot to think about. A lot to take in, and a lot of questioning has happened this morning.  I just don't know WHY this is happening. I want a family so badly. I want a baby. I want experience a child growing inside me.  Why can't that happen easily?

Here is my chart for this month.  What I do is take my temperature every morning at the same time before I get out of bed.  I then chart the temperature on this graph.  I keep track of my period and vaginal discharge as well.  The green is when I am most fertile.  DPO= Days Past Ovulation.  The line going up the middle of the chart indicates what day I ovulated on, which is determined by a temperature shift.