My body. My Mind. My Heart.

For whatever reason my mind keeps thinking about my body today and how it seems to fail to do it's job.  I've been pretty positive all weekend thinking about our upcoming IVF but somehow my mind started thinking so much that I've become annoyed at my body again.

It all started when I was thinking about our IUI and how my husband had these FANTASTIC numbers after being washed 2 or 3 times = 195 million.  All we needed was one and he had 195 million.  All we needed was for my eggs to meet sperm and unite but that did not happen.  Now, I have to keep in mind that the success rate for us for this procedure was only 17%.  Regardless, that didn't keep me from thinking this was going to be it. I mean come on! We've taken the trip through the vagina and up the cervix out of the picture for the spermies and their job was to land in the uterus and swim to my tubes and wait for an egg.  I'm sure they did just this.  What I don't know is what the hell happened to my egg.  Did they fly out of the tube and whiz right by the sperm saying "hell no!"?  Did they dance a little bit and try to unite but failed to do so, maybe because the sperm moved too fast and the egg wanted nothing to do with it?  Did they in fact meet but never implant? Did they meet but then fail to survive? 

So many questions and we won't know about the joining of our parts until we have this IVF.  I am thankful that we're doing ICSI-even though my husband has wonderful motility and count- it just the way my RE does his IVF treatment.  But I am curious to hear how our parts work together.

I started to think about all the testing my body has been through.  I had blood work on my progesterone level and my OB/GYN even had me take suppositories just in case a little extra could help with the implantation. Then we moved on to the HSG to see if the tubes were clear and according to what they say, yes indeed they were.  We finally decided it was time to see an RE and I then had so much blood work done- which is easy enough to do.  I had the Laparoscopic surgery to determine if there was endometriosis, which indeed there was.  My thyroid meds have been changed to meet the desired numbers by my RE.  I swore that would make all the difference.  Yet, here we are gearing up for IVF.

I'm putting all my hope and positive energy into thinking this IVF will work.  I mean, we want it to... we need it to.  I am pretty sure that should it not work we'll attempt it a second time, but if that doesn't take then we're done.  I am absolutely terrified to think about how I'll feel if we get to that point.  It will absolutely break my heart to have to live child free but we've already decided that adoption is not for us.  I push all of those thoughts into a dark corner of my mind.  I wish I didn't think like that, but I do.  It's the way I cope with things. I automatically think of the worst possible outcome so that if something actually works out the way I secretly wanted it to then I am beyond happy, but if they don't, then I've already considered the possibilities of the next steps.

I continue to go back in my mind and think about all of the things I may have done to deserve this.  I remember reading a book the summer before JT and I got married and the main character in the book was struggling to get pregnant.  I thought to myself, and said to JT, that if we ever have to go through I'll go crazy.  Is that Karma coming back to say "ha ha-remember that beautiful day on the beach?"  In my clear mindset I know that there is nothing I have done, it is medical, but it doesn't make it any easier. What makes it even worse is that I don't know a single soul in real life going through this so I feel entirely like a freak of nature when thinking about our groups of friends because we're the only one dealing with needles and spending thousands of dollars trying to obtain the one thing they got with a romp in the sheets.

I'm so over this roller coaster of emotions. Yoga was terrible because my mind would not shut up.  I tried with all my mind and focused on my breathing but was only successful for about a minute at a time.

A new plan and a new amount of stress

We met with our RE today and discussed what we learned about my response to stims with the IUI we did.  I had written down a list of questions to make sure I got everything answered before we left.  As he was talking to us and explaining how the IVF works he answered most of them.  I only had to ask a few additional questions before we were wrapping our conversation and going over the paper work that comes along with an IVF cycle.

We had in our mind that we would work with this finance company to get the loan we needed so we proceeded to meet and talk about our cycle and how it would work.  I know that I've felt overwhelmed with what I've been reading on blogs and how many meds are involved but the nurses and doctors are really with us every step of the way and I have to remember that!

We got home and went to fill out the necessary application for this loan and it turns out that the processing fee is much more than we thought it would be.  There was no way of knowing what it would be until we finished the application.... so, now JT is completely stressed out and doesn't know what to do.  $950 processing fee is just crazy and a lot of money on top of the $9000 we are asking for.

I hate that money has to be an issue... in fact, I hate that we don't' get any insurance coverage at all.... it would make things a little less stressful-well a lot less!

I would go in on CD 22 for baseline blood-work -which would be next Weds. hopefully we can figure out the money situation by this weekend so we can move forward with the IVF cycle for the month of February... if not we'll have to wait until the next CD 22 to begin.

I'll get into the meds and the kind of cycle we are doing once I know where we stand with the finances.

How can I grieve for something I never even had?

Last night I went to hang out with some girl friends for a girls night in.  I didn't really want to go for many reasons-as you can all imagine- but the number one reason was that I didn't know if I had the energy to fake it all night long.  JT told me he wanted me to go and have "fun".  I love how my husband pushes me to go on "play dates".

The night went ok but I found myself wanting to have my phone in my hand so I could get on twitter and chat with the women in the ALI community.  I needed to read things from people who "get it"... I needed the connection.

On the drive home from my friend's house I lost it.  I started crying and could barely see as I drove.  Thankfully, I was close to my house so I didn't have to worry about crying and driving for long.  I pulled myself together and walked into the house.  I quickly went into the bathroom to see if you could tell I was crying.  Not that I didn't want my husband to know I was crying I just didn't want him to see my face and ask me if I was ok because I knew I would lose it again.  Well, he didn't even get the chance to say anything to me. As soon as I set my stuff down on the table and I saw his face I lost it again.  I climbed on his lap and sobbed. Deep and painful sounds came out as I shuddered on my husband's shoulder.  He rubbed my back and my head and said nothing as I unraveled in his arms.

How can I feel so much pain and sadness over something I never even had? How can I grieve for a loss that never even happened?  I didn't lose anything... I just didn't gain anything. Regardless, I feel this empty space inside as another piece of my heart crumbles.

I know we'll get our family some day. I can feel it. I know it will happen for us, some way, some how. I just don't know how much heartache I can take until it finally happens for us.

The day after the BFN

JT and I went to bed early last night.  We were both exhausted from the emotional evening.  We slept in a bit and when I first woke up it didn't seem real and then when I remembered I didn't have to worry about the progesterone suppository this morning I felt crushed.

Thank you so much for those of you who reached out on twitter and left me comments here on my blog.  It really means a lot to have your support and your hugs. I can feel the warmth and I smile because of you. Thank you x a million!

I feel like a walking zombie today.  I'm going through the motions and being very quiet.  My thoughts collide as they change from "it will happen next time!" "WHY!?!?" "I can't believe this is happening to us" "If we do IVF next and that doesn't work, then what are we going to do?" My mind is all over the place.

I posted earlier in the month about how we have close friends who know what we are doing in this journey so I had to send out an email yesterday.  I wrote it shortly after I got the phone call because I just wanted to get it over with.  My friend's responded with loving words but it didn't make it any easier. A few friends told me how strong they thought we were and that they admired me.  I don't feel strong at all.  I feel like we are just doing what we have to do to get the baby we want.  I'm not sure that is strength...

I had lunch today with my 20 week pregnant friend.  She found out Christmas morning she is having a girl.  I am very happy for her and her husband.  I must be looking for ways to feel pain because I don't know why I went. After our lunch I felt like shit.  I was completely jealous that she got to think about a nursery and cribs and baby names and buying maternity clothing and I get to think of how we are going to afford our next treatment.

I am so sick of the fact that so many of our friends who started trying WAY after us have already had their babies or will have their baby before we'll even become pregnant with our first.  I'm just so sick of this whole thing.  I want to be done with it and moving on to the part where we should be enjoying our new family... I'm tired of being suck in this pain and heartache month after month.

Shit this sucks.

IUI #1 = BFN

I knew it. I could feel it deep in my body and my mind couldn't push the feeling away.  The opposite of someone who just knows they are pregnant.

Big FAT negative.

I got up this morning and drove to the clinic to get the blood test done and a fox type animal ran across the street in front of my car.  I thought this was a good sign because last time I went to the clinic I saw a wolf on the side of the road, just standing there one minute, gone the next.  The sunrise was just starting and colors of the sky were so gorgeous.  Every time I went to have blood work or ultra sound done the skies looked gorgeous.  I've looked into every little thing as a good sign.  I needed to believe in something... to have hope that this would finally work for us.

It didn't work and quite honestly I was a mess for about 30 minutes.  JT was very upset too. We really thought this was going to work. Now, I feel like I'm in shock, like this can't possibly be the outcome. Maybe they made a mistake.  I know the anger is coming and when it comes you better watch out because I'll be all kinds of feisty.

I'm so tired.  My body is tried, my mind is tired, and I'm at my emotional limit.  I need a vacation to a tropical place so I can lie in a hammock all day and get a sun burn while some handsome man brings me drinks.  Of course a beautiful women would need to bring JT his drinks... just so we're even.

We will meet with our RE next week to discuss the next step.  Since we pay OOP our next step will most likely be IVF.

“Never let go of hope. One day you will see that it all has finally come together. What you have always wished for has finally come to be. You will look back and laugh at what has passed and you will ask yourself... 'How did I get through all of that?”

Hello Bloated Stomach!

I can't even find the words to describe to you how bloated I feel.  It's like someone pumped me up with air and then rain away laughing while I sit here feeling like a huge balloon.  I have to unbutton my pants when I sit down lest I explode!  I get home and run to the bedroom so I can put on some comfy sweats!  I wonder what this is from... the shots left over from last week? The progesterone I'm on twice daily?  I'm not sure but blah, it's so uncomfortable.

I'm 6dpiui and I'm actually charting my temps this cycle.  I haven't temped in quite awhile.  I don't know what made me want to start... but I'm doing it again and of course I'm analyzing every dip or rise. Gah! This is exactly why I stopped!  Why do I do this to myself?

Tomorrow I have acupuncture and my sister flies home Wednesday night which means I'll have a great distraction until Dec 27!

Slowly passing time...

It's only been 4 days since my IUI and it feels like a whole week.  I hate how slowly the 2ww goes by.  I'm being good and drinking lots of water and taking it easy.  It seems that fertile women can have sex and then don't even think about what they are doing while their body creates a new life.... however, I feel like I need to take it easy because I want to give my body more of a chance to do what it needs to do.  Now, I don' t know if that will actually matter or help, but in my mind it makes sense and calms me so that is what I'll do.

I am so tired.  I haven't been sleeping well with the progesterone suppositories because despite the fact that I wear a long over night pad to bed, I still worry about it leaking and ruining my pj pants or my sheets.  That oily stuff takes a while to clean out of things.  I just want to sleep... I try to sleep but then I clench my jaw and I wake up with a headache! I need to get better about wearing my night guard.  I only clench my jaw when I'm feeling stressed.  

Good thing I have some holiday parties coming that will occupy my mind and my time.  How do you get through the 2ww?

The Day We Had Our IUI

I was happy to have been able to sleep in a little bit and have a nice big breakfast prior to leaving for our appointment.  We have to drive about an hour so we left at 9:45 to be there for 10:45.  JT's appointment was for 11.  I'd rather be early than stressing out because we were late.

First, we walk into the wrong office.... once we get where we need to be the lady takes our info and lets them know JT is there.  At 11 they take him and I am left to sit and read on my Kindle.  During this time a couple of men come in and wait for their wives and then they are taken back to see their wives.  I'm not sure what they had going on, but I have to admit I was kind of curious.

JT comes back and we are sitting and waiting because we'd rather just stay put then head out and be watching the clock.  He reads the paper, I continue to read my book and occasionally stop and stare at him and thank my lucky stars for having him as my husband.  He is just so amazing and has been throughout this whole process.  Last night I came home from my yoga session to a beautiful dinner ready on the table.  He even lit a candle! It was so sweet!

It is finally 11:55 and I'm ready to go... only they don't call me back.  I don't see a nurse in sight.  Another couple comes in, checks in and sits down.  It is strange being in a waiting room with other couples going through the same kind of thing.  I don't know why.  It should be comforting, knowing that we aren't alone, but it seems strange, just knowing how private a situation it is.

At 12 pm there is still no one calling me in.  The lady at the desk just sits and stares at her computer screen and doesn't say a word.  Finally, after what seems like forever, some nurses come and call my name at 12:15.  JT comes back with me and we head into the room.  The nurses are about my age and that seems weird too... knowing that they'll be all up in my business.  I should be used to everyone seeing my lady parts, but for some reason I am all of a sudden self conscience.  Thankfully, it only lasts a minute and my mind is on to the next thing.

They tell us that JT produced a 195 million sperm sample and I am very excited about that!  They check my follies and we are good to go!  It was just like a pap, like everyone said it would be- from what I read.  Once they put the line in through my cervix I could feel the sensation of the sperm being injected into my uterus. JT held my hand the entire time. Then, they were done! It was so quick.

They had me lie there for 10 minutes, on the table.  I enjoyed staring at my lucky socks and then the ceiling and then JT. After that we went out to lunch to celebrate.  I started to feel really bloated and huge.  I noticed a few twinges here and there and some light cramping.  As I type this I still feel the same.

I go in 12/27 for my Beta.  Tonight I start progesterone suppositories.  Then tomorrow I'll start doing the morning dose, so I'll have two a day.  I hope this 2ww goes by quickly!

We pulled the trigger...

First, I just want to say thank you for your kind words on my post yesterday. I appreciate your thoughts and your taking the time to let me know that we'll be ok.... because we will be.

Update about the injection pen- JT made some phone calls to the business that our RE told him to and he got us a free pen! They took down the info for the pen we had because something was clearly wrong with it.  Now, we have a fresh pen, chilling out in the fridge and I hope that we don't have to use it!

***

Last night I was trying to figure out the best timing for our trigger since JT is due to be in for 11 to do his part and our IUI is at12pm on Tuesday.  I expected the procedure to be first thing in the morning.  On one hand I am real happy that it isn't first thing in the morning because it will be nice to sleep just a bit longer in the morning since I'm not going to work.  On the other hand I would love to get it done first thing! I'm scared about ovulating early.

At 9pm last night we did the trigger shot.  The needle seemed a tad thicker than other needles we were using but luckily there was no major bleeding.  Hubs wanted to help me out by "getting the shot over with" which meant pushing the syringe quickly.  All I have to say is ow! I immediately told him to slow down because it hurt! There was pressure, and burning and it was just uncomfortable!  He felt badly because, like I said, he just wanted to get it over with because he doesn't like seeing me go through this.

As the night went on I definitely felt some twinging and I felt some bloating happening.  Today I feel like a whale! I just want to wear yoga pants all day long.  Plus, I feel like I always have to pee... that must be my uterus pushing on my bladder.

So, tomorrow I'll be wearing my lucky socks and carrying my lucky trinkets in my purse! Keep your fingers crossed for us!

Too many emotions

Last night we had trouble with our Gonal-F pen.  It wasn't working the way it should have and my husband was getting stressed, and well, so was I.  I told him to not worry about it at that moment. I was hitting my wall with this whole thing and couldn't think about what would happen if we didn't get this injection to work.

I called a nurse from our fertility pharmacy to ask what we should do.  When I called I got an answering service so I had to wait for her to call back.  During that time I felt my insides falling apart.  By that, I mean my emotions.  I had felt so hopeful and good about this cycle and here were were, days from our first IUI, and it looked like we would most likely miss an injection. I couldn't believe it.

When the nurse from the pharmacy did call back I had to have JT talk to her.  I was so completely frustrated and overwhelmed that there was no way I would be able to talk to her in a clam fashion, while making any sense.  Shortly later the phone rang again and JT talked to a doctor from our fertility office.  The Dr. assured JT that missing one dose when we would mostly likely be giving the trigger shot the next day wouldn't make a difference for the outcome of our cycle.  I sure hope she is right.

JT was angry because we pay out of pocket and we paid a pretty penny for that injection pen and we' have several different issues with it.  We tried to get an insulin needle so that we could pull out the meds from the outside but everything in our area closes so damn early that by the time we thought to do this, it was too late.

We got the call today and we will be triggering tonight.  I am trying to get back to that hopeful, happy, "this is it" feeling but I'm struggling to get there.

I'm a pin cushion

Day 3- Tuesday

The Shot: We have a routine now and tonight went really well.

How did it feel? Just a pinch.

Side effects: Some soreness on my belly from the previous shots, but nothing out of control.  And... um, my poop is dark brown...?

Limitations: None.

Day 4- Wednesday

The Shot: I had to leave a holiday party to come home and do this... that felt weird to me but that's just how it is for us now.

How did it feel? JT is getting much better at keeping a steady hand! I didn't even feel it tonight!

Side effects: I've never been a regular pooper (TMI- I know, so skip if you don't want to know about my bowel movements) but now... I've got a regular pooping schedule... is this related at all?

Limitations: None.

Day 5-Thursday

The Shot: My mom did it for me tonight.  JT was out of the house with our dog because I was having one of those jewelry parties.  We had an issue with the pen not clicking all the way, finally, we got it after the second poke!

How did it feel? It bled more than it has since the first time, but it didn't hurt any more than normal.

Side effects: I'm super bloated today and don't want to wear anything but yoga pants!

Limitations: None.

Day 6- Friday

The Shot: We almost forgot.  We were hanging out, relaxing after a long day and then I looked at the time and was like "HEY! let's go do my shot!"

How did it feel? Fine. We're becoming pros now!

Side effects: Still bloated, still have dark brown poop...

Limitations: None.

Overwhelmed

Man, it has been one super hectic week.  I tried to make sure that I didn't have a lot going on in December because I knew we would be doing our IUI cycle and I figured that would be enough to handle.  Somehow my calendar got filled and I've been coming home late every night.  On top of late nights my job is uber stressful since report cards are coming out so the piles of uncorrected paper work has been haunting me all week long.  I've been trying to take deep breaths and savor my time at acupuncture but somehow during every day I find myself feeling completely overwhelmed, and when I feel that way, I don't want to do a damn thing. I just want to cuddle on the couch with a book or a good movie!

We are still doing our injects and I had some blood work and an U/S yesterday.  At the U/S the tech told me I had one 15mm follie and a bunch of smaller ones on the right side as well as some smaller ones on the left.  Later on in the day a nurse called me to tell me to continue our dosage and that I would hear from someone on Sunday. The nurse then continued to tell me that I would most likely be going in on Tuesday for the IUI! Oh my gosh! I can't believe this is actually happening!

Gonal-F Injections so far...

Day 1-  (Thank you EndoJourney for this set up)

The Shot: We were told do to our shot between 6 and 8 pm.  We decided to do 7pm consistently every night.

After viewing the video and laying out all of our supplies on the kitchen counter we were ready to begin... only we weren't.  The pen was a lot harder to move around than we thought it would be.  You have to turn a dial one way, pull out the white tube and make sure everything is lined up.  We were getting frustrated and overwhelmed... of course.  So I viewed the online video again while JT read the directions that came with the injections once more.  We finally figured it out and after about 20 minutes we were ready. Then hubs got to stab me. :)

How did it feel? It pinched more than I thought it would.  I guess thinking about my stomach I imagined it being more cushy and less sensitive... dumb, but whatever.  Once it was in and we held it there for 5 seconds it was as if we didn't even do anything.

Side effects: Not much bleeding and I didn't feel anything once we were done with the shot.  However, about 20 minutes later I felt twinging in my abdomen... almost like something was going on in my ovaries... hmmm?

Limitations: None.

Day 2

The Shot: After last night JT knew exactly what to do.  He set up everything on our counter again and called me in for my shot.  I love that he does them for me. I enjoy having him a part of this process because I'm doing so much for my body and all we really need from his body is the man juice.  I think he really likes being a part of the process too.

Today went way better than last night!


How did it feel? JT injected the shot on the left side tonight.  While we waited the 5 seconds it felt like forever and I could feel the needle moving around.  I need to remind JT to have a steady hand tonight!

Side effects: A little more bleeding than yesterday, but not much.  Just like last night, about 20 minutes later I felt twinging in my abdomen.  Today the injection site felt sore.

Limitations: None.

A date with the dildo cam..

Yes, you know what I'm talking about!

There is no better way to start your Friday morning than a date with the dildo cam on DAY 2 of your cycle.... (yeaah, okaaay! I can think of a million other ways I'd rather start my day.)  This was the first time I had a date with the wand while AF was flowing.  I was worried about getting blood everywhere but I did some reading on the 3T board (which is awesome by the way!) and found that some women wear their tampons up until their meeting with that internal ultrasound probe and then put one back in when done.  So, that is what I did.

I then had blood work done and I was on my way to work.  It was an early morning for me, but I suppose I should get used that since that is how this month is going to be for me.

A nurse called me at work to tell me to start my injections Sunday night and then to go in for blood work Wednesday morning.  I'm getting nervous about the injections.  She told me to do them between 6 and 8 pm.  If you have any great tips I'd love to hear them!

I am off to spend the day with some girlfriends doing some shopping, and then hitting up the spa and enjoying dinner.  I am happy to have this day of fun before things begin.

Never been happier to see AF

The last time I remember being happy to see AF may have possibly been in high school after a condom broke and looking back on that now I probably had NO reason to worry.  I didn't know then what I know now about the 20% chance and the small window you have to actually conceive.

Today is CD1 and I literally smiled when I knew.  After about 7 (or probably 10) tests-all of which were stark white with no chance of a second line showing up- I finally got AF and we are on our way to start this IUI process.

I am excited. I am nervous. I am scared... but most of all, I am happy to be moving forward.  I have to go in for blood work and ultrasound tomorrow.  I thought I wouldn't have to do that until cd3, but whatever. I'll do what they tell me to do.

This morning (before AF came) my friend gave me some muffins with a card that said "Make it happen muffins <3" I think that is a sign. I'll take any sign I can that this will be a good cycle.  It's cycle number 20 for us and I'm hoping something magical happens.  It is after all the holiday season and magic is all around us this time of year!

Buying the Meds

I got a phone call on my cell phone at work  from an unknown number.  I hate when I don't know who is calling so I pick it up even though I can't talk.  It is Freedom Fertility and they want to talk about my meds.  Well, I was feeling kind of crazy and knew I wouldn't be able to pay attention so I took down their number and called later on when I got home.

Our RE had send in our RX for Gonal-F 450, Ovidrel, and progesterone suppositories (fun!).  I didn't tell her that I hadn't even started CD1 yet so I didn't know if I should get the meds or not but then I realized I would create more of a problem for us if I didn't get the meds- because with my luck, if I said we'd wait for the meds then I would get AF right after I got off the phone with her and who knows what would happen. 

Anyway, I gave her my info and our credit card number over the phone. $670 later I hung up the phone.

This is just crazy to me.  I never in my wildest dreams imagined I would spend money like to this to TRY and have a baby since there is no guarantee! Stupid IF!

Anyone have experience with Freedom Fertility?  I am just wondering because it seems that our RE will be using them and I want to know if there is anything we should know now instead of learn later.  From my online searching I can't find anything "bad" about them but I like to hear personal experiences, so you know, I ask you!

The Biggest Check I've Ever Written

Last night we filled out and signed the necessary paperwork to mail into to our RE office in order to be ready for our first IUI cycle.  I also wrote the biggest check I've ever written in my life... two thousand dollars.  That is just for the procedure, we'll have to pay an additional cost for meds- another thousand, I'm sure.

It hit me again that we're doing this.  We're actually doing this! I can't wait! I also can't get out of my mind how this was not at all how I imagined conceiving our first child... but I'll take it.

We have a plan!!!

I feel hopeful, excited, and happy about where we are going, for the first time, in a long time!  Our meeting with our RE yesterday went well.  It was kind of rushed, or so it felt because for whatever reason they schedule appointments back to back.  Maybe I just wanted more than 45 minutes to really sit and make sure we were making the right decision. I don't know.  However, our doctor listened to us, explained things so we could understand it and let us make the final choice and before we knew it we were sitting with a nurse to go over the protocol for an IUI!

Yup, my friends.  We'll be starting our first IUI cycle as soon as AF shows up... which should be shortly after Thanksgiving. :-)

I'm nervous, but can't stop smiling because we're moving forward.  Now, I do realize that it is not 100% ... nor is it even 50% guaranteed to work, but right now I am pushing that thought to the way back of my mind because I need to be positive.  I need to let my yoga, counseling, and acupuncture state of mind take over to carry me through the next month.

I am worried about what the FSH shots will do to me... in terms of my mood.  When I was on the pill I was crazy moody! I already told JT that I apologize for anything I will say or do during that week of shots!

Since we are out of pocket I am going to be keeping track of what we spend on a tab up top because I want to make sure that people who don't go through this stupid IF stuff realize that not only is it mentally and emotionally draining but finances play a huge role in it as well.