Last Post Here... Come visit my other blog...

Hi Friends,

I didn't think it would be this difficult to keep up with this blog after we finally got our little miracle second pink line.  I thought it would be simple.  It turns out it's not.  Like most people I have a lot going on and I have a ton of online social media I've been trying to keep up with.  Personal blog and twitter, IF blog and tiw.tter, my photography blog and face.book... It turns out I'm not so good at managing it anymore. While I posted here on my IF blog I wasn't posting so much on my personal blog.  Now I'm posting more over there, and not so much here.  I've been trying to enjoy life and spending less and less time away from the computer or on my phone.  It's been nice, real nice.

I constantly think of you all and hope that you get the BFPs you've wished for and so deserved, but I can't keep up with this world anymore. Something has to give and unfortunately it's this place that gave me strength, support, and words of advice through the darkest days of my life.  While hard, it's time to move on and time to focus on living this new life.  I'll certainly never forget where I've been and how I got to where we are.  Never, ever. It will always be a part of me. You will always be a part of me.

I've begun to follow some of you on my other blog called {My}Perspective which you can find at myperspectiveblog dot com. I'd love to see you over there... I'll be updating about my pregnancy (currently 14 weeks) and posting pictures of different things in my world. 

I can also be found on twi.tter at nic0what. I'll be getting rid of the twi.tter account that goes with this blog.
I insta.gram, so if you do that I'm on there, too at nicowhat.

So, this is it. My last post here at Living Our Life in Cycles. I wish you all the best. <3

Wondering what a carefree pregnancy feels like....

I caught myself wondering, once again, what it might feel like to get pregnant relatively quickly after trying and to never have any complications.. you know, that naive person you and I used to be at the beginning of all this...

I wonder how exciting appointments must have been and how the different symptoms and body changes would be such a great change.  For me, appointments cause anxiety because I'm left wondering the days prior to if things will still look good.  Any symptom or body change makes me wonder if things are going as they should.  The questions, the doubt, always there in the back of my mind. 

On Friday I had to go get blood work done for my OB- 5 vials of blood to be exact.  It would ave been 7 but I already had 2 of them done with my RE clinic, in fact chances are I had all the blood work done before, but whatever! I'm not afraid of needles and don't mind getting blood drawn, I typically donate blood when I can.  Anyway, I got to the hospital, where they would do the blood work and I had to wait for what felt like forever.  I was out of there in about 45 minutes.  I'm so used to the in and out with my clinic.  If I had blood work to be done and there was no one in front of me I could literally be in and out in 5 minutes!  I was saying on Twitter that I need to change my mindset from the quick, specialized care, to the way care used to be before this.

Other than still processing everything I'm feeling pretty good.  I do have a lot more joint aches and pains than I would like, mostly at night, which makes it so hard to sleep.  We have an appointment tomorrow morning so I'm hoping to get some more information and something to help me out with the pain.

Happy ICLW!

Back + Acne = Backne

I don't know what it is about the progesterone suppositories but I have crazy pimples on my back again! I had this in December when I was on the suppositories after the IUI and it just seemed so gross and it took forever to go away.  I didn't have any pimples on my back with the PIO.... what's the deal with that!?

It doesn't help that soon it will be tank top weather and people will have to see my back unless I want to wear a poncho all summer and sweat like a best... yeah, that's not going to happen.  I can't use any acne medication that has salicylic acid because I am pregnant so I'll have to find something else that's natural to try and get rid of those things! grrr.

Oh hormones.  The toll you take on our body is just crazy!

First Baby Shower in Years

On Saturday I went to my first baby shower in years.  In the past 2 years I've been to maybe 2 showers and thankfully, I've only had a few that I've had to decline.  The anxiety that I felt leading up the shower, the pain I endured while being at one and the sadness that followed for days after was a clear message that a baby shower was not an event I could be a part of.  I needed to take care of me and that was just one of the many things that changed.  I would decline and send off a gift in the mail.  It was the easiest thing to do.

When I got this baby shower invite in the mail I wasn't sure what to think even though I knew it was coming because this friend is due in May.  We were in the middle of our IVF cycle and I knew that I needed to wait to RSVP.  Thankfully, the date for that was a week or so after we'd have our first Beta test.  As much as I didn't want to miss this monumental time in my friend's life, if we didn't have a successful IVF, I'm pretty sure I would have had to decline. It would have been too soon, the pain too fresh.

Sitting there watching her unwrap her gifts was such a strange feeling.  I had one friend there that knew I was pregnant but I asked her not to bring it up because of the other girls that I know we'd see to find out that day and I wasn't ready for them to know yet.  I was so happy for my friend and all the items she got were so sweet and cute.  Her family is big on knitting and quilting so she got some beautiful handmade gifts.  I then couldn't help but notice all of the different things she got that reminded me of all the things we'd need for our baby!

It was nice to be there and begin to feel back to "normal" again... whatever that means these days.

Still working through it all

I spent some time with my counselor Monday night and we talked about how it feels to be on the other side of this.  I expressed my anxiety about "graduating" from our RE to a regular OB/GYN and how I fear I won't be monitored enough... I know it won't be the same and I'm trying to figure out how to be ok with that.  Again... one of those things we can't control.

I also started talking about some of the things one of my co-workers said to me when I shared with them that I was pregnant.  One of the women said "See, I told you it would happen some day. Now, you'll really appreciate it."  Now, yes, those are very simple words, that probably mean nothing to her as she says but to me, it takes away from the pain, the money, the time, the days of working through this.  To just say it would happen some day means that we'd potentially be at this for a very long time and that at some point it would happen on it's own... which we know it wouldn't.  To tell me that I will appreciate this even more now that I've been through everything... ugh. While it may be true that I may have a greater appreciation than someone who got knocked up the first time without even really trying, there is no way you can sit there and tell me how much I would or would not appreciate something.  JT and I were ready for a family.  We wanted to grow a family and get to that phase in our lives where we could call ourselves parents and live like such.  I believe I would appreciate it at that time because it is something we wanted.  I don't know. I told my counselor that I didn't want to over-think what she said because I'm pretty sure she spent no time thinking about it, but this is just proof that once you're an IFer you're going to always have that as a part of you. Truthfully,  I never expected it to magically dissapear when we would get to the other side of the wall.

We have our first ultra sounds on April 9... days away.  I'm working hard to stay positive and be excited for the ultrasound but I can't lie to you, I'm also scared.  I'm nervous for what we may or may not find out. I'm just anxious.  Maybe after that I can breathe my first sigh of relief for the first time in 2 years... Maybe, just maybe.

Hello Bewbs!

I've always been a small chested girl.  I remember praying for bewbs and wishing for them for my birthday when I was 13, 14 and 15 because most of my friends appeared to have the one thing I was lacking- a chest that didn't resemble a 12 year old boy.  I always wanted at least a handful and just enough to fill in a dress or a top.  Instead I had to rely on padded bras.  When I started working at Victoria's Secret during winter break of college I found a padded bra that made me look like a B cup when really I could barely fill an A cup.  Even my 4 year younger sister had bigger bewbs than I did. :(

I had always wanted to not care and wear bras that were just slightly padded and more me.  The truth was I hated the padded bras.  I thought they were so uncomfortable and I couldn't wait until bed time when I could take it off.  A few years ago when I started running and wore unpadded sports bras it was hard to hide the real me-the barely an A cup girl.  I finally embraced it and purchased bras that were more reflective of me and it was such a wonderful change.  It felt nice to be me and to not look like something I'm not.

Ever since before our BFP I've been gifted with bewbs that feel fuller, firmer, and larger.  I marvel at them when I change and wonder where they've been my whole life.... of course you can only look because they hurt so damn much.  The firmness makes me think that it must feel the same way for someone who has breast implants. I actually think I need to buy new bras because for the first time in my life, I'm filling up my bras and more!

Hello Bewbs!

Adios PIO Shot, Hola Suppositories!

Saturday night was our last PIO shot.  Our last shot should have been Thursday but we wanted to finish up the vial we had... after all, we shelled out a butt load of money for it so we wanted to use it up.  I checked with the nurse and she said that is totally fine and that a lot of patients do this, which makes sense because we're nervous and want to do the most of what's working.  Changing things up can be scary.

I was thinking about each kind and the pros and cons that go with each.


PIO Shot:
Pro:
In your system immediately
What we've been doing since the ER

Con:
Long needle that goes in your hind area- Ouch
Has to be at the same time every night- causing you plan around it
Made me have to lie on my stomach (couldn't do it standing) and I didn't like the pressure it put on my bloat


Progesterone Suppositories:
Pro:
You can do this at night when you to go bed and when you're about to wake up- a little more flexibility
They don't hurt
I don't have to lie on my stomach

Con:
They are messy- you have to wear a pad pretty much all the time
The little package is hard to open in the morning with your sleepy hands
They are expensive!
 

How I felt before our BFP

There is so much swirling through my head these days. So much I want to blog about but when I get home at the end of a long day with the 4th graders all I want to do is sleep... and that is just what I've been doing. I want to take a moment to share some of things I noticed and felt before our bfp because I know that I like to read about others experiences when I was going through treatment.

1. Fatigue- I noticed that I couldn't keep my eyes open past 7:30.  It was hard to really put much weight on this symptom because we had just changed our clocks and lost an hour, I just started going back to work after 2 weeks off, and I was on progesterone which could trick you.
2. Tender breasts- oh yes, they started to hurt. Again, I didn't put too much throught into this because I figured it was the progesterone.  I do know though, that they hurt more than after we had our IUI and I was on progesterone then as well.
3. Extreme hunger- this was something that got my mind ticking.  I'm usually not this hungry unless it's winter.  I have a fast metabolism and eat often throughout the day.  I don't typically eat a lot during each setting but during this 2ww I couldn't seem to get enough food in my system. I felt starving all the time.
4. Cravings- I thought about how cliche it was that all I wanted to eat was pickles.  It was insane to me.  I also wanted to devour buffalo wings.  What in the world?!? I didn't realize that cravings started so early!
5. Bloated- of course I felt bloated, I had had a month of injections and had someone up in my uterus sucking out my egss.  There was no way bloat was going to make me think I was knocked up, but it was one of things I felt.
6. Cramping- I had mild cramping for several days before and following our bfp.  I thought AF might be coming, but it wasn't.

We all know that everyone's body reacts different to things.  One person may have morning sickness right away and not have breast tenderness, while someone else will feel like their boobs are trying to kill them and not have morning sickness.  I'm looking forward to the day when you feel some symptoms that can't be blamed on injections but the simple fact that you have finally become successful.

Fear Sets In

Soon after we heard the official word from the RE we were crying and laughing and then we stopped.  We just looked at each other and didn't say much about it for the rest of the day.  We were in complete shock that it worked and fear started to set in.  We know what can happen and what other people have been through.  We are not naive to this process any more.  I wish I could back to the blissful ignorant person I used to be so that I could have freaked out and jumped up and down the way I always imagined I would when I saw the two pink lines...

It took me until this past weekend.  One whole week, a visit with my counselor, 2 betas and a million pee sticks to start to feel excited. I'm allowing myself to feel happy little bits at a time.  Of course, as we start to tell people I think I think I feel even more excited because their excitement rubs off on us.

I'm not sure the fear will ever go away, but just like with the IVF protocol... one step at a time.

The Answer

As you've probably noticed I've been avoiding blogging her for a little bit.  It's because we got our BFP and I had shared this blog with someone really close to me. I didn't want a blog post to be the way they found out about our fantastic news.  We found out on St. Patrick's Day. Which also happens to be my husband's birthday.  It was an amazing day and we've kept our news our little secret for a week.  It was nice to have something of our own since the whole IF journey has so many others involved- the doctors and nurses and who knows who else.

It was so hard for me to keep this from you for what feels like so long because you've been such a huge support to me. Rooting me on when we were doing well and picking me up when I fell flat on my face.  I cannot find the words to express to you the true feeling of gratefulness I have when I think about all of you and what you've done, brought to me, and taught me.  I understand if you'd like to stop following my blog.  Of course, we aren't out of the woods yet. It is still early, and we are only 5 weeks.  We have yet to have an ultrasound.  But, I know the sting, the punch in the gut, the feeling when the air leaves your body and you're left feeling defeated.  I've had that feeling for far too long.  So I completely understand if you can no longer be a part of this blog.

For those of you who like numbers my first Beta was 79 and my second 48 hours later was 193.  I go back in for blood work tomorrow and I'm not sure what will come after that.  They've upped my thyroid medicine from 50 to 75. I'm so glad they keep a close eye on that. We are still doing the PIO shots and I'm still taking Estrace.   I actually POAS Thursday 3/15 and we got a faint line.  I couldn't believe it.  It gave me so much hope and each day the lines got darker and darker.  I confess that I'll still pee on a stick every other day. :)

We graduate from our RE at week 8.  It will be so weird and I'm feeling nervous about it because we've had such great monitoring I'm not sure what it's going to feel like to be with a regular OB. The mindset of an IF women definitely doesn't leave you once you get that BFP you've been waiting for.  I'm looking forward to being able to write some more about the thoughts I've been having during this past week.

Thank you for all the well wishes! I appreciate it!