This is ridiculous. We aren't even close to actually trying for baby number 2 but already, the What-Ifs are crossing my mind, chasing hope and turning it into fear.
What if we don't get pregnant on our own? Why do I even think this is possible after all we went through? I have no idea, perhaps the growing number of surprise BFPs by my IF mommy friends.
What if our FET doesn't work?
What if we then have to do IVF and that doesn't work? We wouldn't be able to afford another round of IVF.
What if we have to accept the fact that Carter has to be an only child when we want so badly to give him a sibling?
What if we get no choice in the matter?
Will I be able to rid myself of that guilt?
What if I never had to go through any of this?
Showing posts with label TTC. Show all posts
Showing posts with label TTC. Show all posts
Sunday, March 30, 2014
Friday, December 30, 2011
Thinking about the New Year
I still can't believe that the end of 2011 is just around the corner. I feel like this year went by really quickly and I am not sad at all to see it go as it was one of the most difficult years of my life. I usually start each year with one to three realistic goals. This year, I can't even wrap my head around any kind of goal. I've found myself in this whole 'taking each day as it comes' mode and that seems to be the only thing I can manage.
I used to be such a planner and was always looking ahead with eagerness but now the planner in me has fizzled a bit. I still have grand life plans for myself but looking ahead to next 6 months or even 3 months my mind draws a blank. It's blank because I have no idea where the next month will take us and I'm actually ok with that. I am finally letting go in this process and just going with whatever our new plan has in store for us. It's a freeing feeling.
I still get the feeling that people in my life think I am causing this to happen to myself.... as if I am SO completely over the top stressed that it is NO WONDER I can't get pregnant. I am so SICK of people telling me to just relax and it will happen when it happens or just go get drunk because then you'll be relaxed and it will happen. omgshutup!
I used to be such a planner and was always looking ahead with eagerness but now the planner in me has fizzled a bit. I still have grand life plans for myself but looking ahead to next 6 months or even 3 months my mind draws a blank. It's blank because I have no idea where the next month will take us and I'm actually ok with that. I am finally letting go in this process and just going with whatever our new plan has in store for us. It's a freeing feeling.
I still get the feeling that people in my life think I am causing this to happen to myself.... as if I am SO completely over the top stressed that it is NO WONDER I can't get pregnant. I am so SICK of people telling me to just relax and it will happen when it happens or just go get drunk because then you'll be relaxed and it will happen. omgshutup!
Thursday, December 29, 2011
How can I grieve for something I never even had?
Last night I went to hang out with some girl friends for a girls night in. I didn't really want to go for many reasons-as you can all imagine- but the number one reason was that I didn't know if I had the energy to fake it all night long. JT told me he wanted me to go and have "fun". I love how my husband pushes me to go on "play dates".
The night went ok but I found myself wanting to have my phone in my hand so I could get on twitter and chat with the women in the ALI community. I needed to read things from people who "get it"... I needed the connection.
On the drive home from my friend's house I lost it. I started crying and could barely see as I drove. Thankfully, I was close to my house so I didn't have to worry about crying and driving for long. I pulled myself together and walked into the house. I quickly went into the bathroom to see if you could tell I was crying. Not that I didn't want my husband to know I was crying I just didn't want him to see my face and ask me if I was ok because I knew I would lose it again. Well, he didn't even get the chance to say anything to me. As soon as I set my stuff down on the table and I saw his face I lost it again. I climbed on his lap and sobbed. Deep and painful sounds came out as I shuddered on my husband's shoulder. He rubbed my back and my head and said nothing as I unraveled in his arms.
How can I feel so much pain and sadness over something I never even had? How can I grieve for a loss that never even happened? I didn't lose anything... I just didn't gain anything. Regardless, I feel this empty space inside as another piece of my heart crumbles.
I know we'll get our family some day. I can feel it. I know it will happen for us, some way, some how. I just don't know how much heartache I can take until it finally happens for us.
The night went ok but I found myself wanting to have my phone in my hand so I could get on twitter and chat with the women in the ALI community. I needed to read things from people who "get it"... I needed the connection.
On the drive home from my friend's house I lost it. I started crying and could barely see as I drove. Thankfully, I was close to my house so I didn't have to worry about crying and driving for long. I pulled myself together and walked into the house. I quickly went into the bathroom to see if you could tell I was crying. Not that I didn't want my husband to know I was crying I just didn't want him to see my face and ask me if I was ok because I knew I would lose it again. Well, he didn't even get the chance to say anything to me. As soon as I set my stuff down on the table and I saw his face I lost it again. I climbed on his lap and sobbed. Deep and painful sounds came out as I shuddered on my husband's shoulder. He rubbed my back and my head and said nothing as I unraveled in his arms.
How can I feel so much pain and sadness over something I never even had? How can I grieve for a loss that never even happened? I didn't lose anything... I just didn't gain anything. Regardless, I feel this empty space inside as another piece of my heart crumbles.
I know we'll get our family some day. I can feel it. I know it will happen for us, some way, some how. I just don't know how much heartache I can take until it finally happens for us.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Our Little Secret
Someone asked me today about when we'd be getting ready for a baby. I shrugged and said "sometime over the summer."
It is hard to go around and not tell people that we'll actually be starting to just let things happen in a few short weeks... but after advertising it all last year like a plane with a banner trailing behind, I want this to be something special for just us, because IT IS!
I am so open and not a very private person but I have to remember it is not just about me, it is about JT AND I so I have to be considerate of his feelings. Plus, it will be nice to have this be our little secret for awhile. I am too quick to tell people the news, whether good or bad, because I'm like that. I really hope I can keep this in because I really, truly want to enjoy it, just the two of us, for as long as possible!!!
It is hard to go around and not tell people that we'll actually be starting to just let things happen in a few short weeks... but after advertising it all last year like a plane with a banner trailing behind, I want this to be something special for just us, because IT IS!
I am so open and not a very private person but I have to remember it is not just about me, it is about JT AND I so I have to be considerate of his feelings. Plus, it will be nice to have this be our little secret for awhile. I am too quick to tell people the news, whether good or bad, because I'm like that. I really hope I can keep this in because I really, truly want to enjoy it, just the two of us, for as long as possible!!!
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