Losing Hope

I'm losing hope and here is why:

I've been really tired this week but I am pretty sure it has more to do with the fact that I had been trying to teach entertain 9 year olds who were beyond excited about the upcoming holiday than the fact that I could be pregnant.  I could also be really tired because I've gone to bed late this week trying to get some things done for Christmas because there just doesn't seem to be enough time after work. 

I continue to be bloated but that is about it.  The heartburn is here or there and so is the cramping but nothing enough to make me really consider that the outcome of this IUI is exactly what we want it to be.

I've been charting my temps this cycle, which I haven't done in months and I remember why... I start to stress about the numbers.  Yesterday my temp went down and today there was bigger dip... which leads me to believe that tomorrow I'll get even more of a dip and then AF will start up naturally despite being on progesterone suppositories twice daily.

I also can't get out of my mind the pain I woke up to 2 nights ago.  It was on my right side, it felt like it was where my ovary would be.  It was sharp and then dull and painful for about 20 minutes.  Yesterday I felt tenderness on the entire ride side of my abdomen.  No idea what that is all about.

I started this cycle with extreme hope and positivity.  I felt good about everything working in such a way.  This morning after I temped my mind went to place of fear and worry and I started thinking about what we would do next if this cycle didn't work in our favor.

I asked Santa last year for a baby and he didn't bring me one.  I didn't think it would be so much to ask for one again this year... but maybe it was.

Now I have to go off and act all happy and holiday-ish when all I want to do is snuggle up on the couch and watch a movie.  IF sucks and so does the 2 ww!

Hello Bloated Stomach!

I can't even find the words to describe to you how bloated I feel.  It's like someone pumped me up with air and then rain away laughing while I sit here feeling like a huge balloon.  I have to unbutton my pants when I sit down lest I explode!  I get home and run to the bedroom so I can put on some comfy sweats!  I wonder what this is from... the shots left over from last week? The progesterone I'm on twice daily?  I'm not sure but blah, it's so uncomfortable.

I'm 6dpiui and I'm actually charting my temps this cycle.  I haven't temped in quite awhile.  I don't know what made me want to start... but I'm doing it again and of course I'm analyzing every dip or rise. Gah! This is exactly why I stopped!  Why do I do this to myself?

Tomorrow I have acupuncture and my sister flies home Wednesday night which means I'll have a great distraction until Dec 27!

Slowly passing time...

It's only been 4 days since my IUI and it feels like a whole week.  I hate how slowly the 2ww goes by.  I'm being good and drinking lots of water and taking it easy.  It seems that fertile women can have sex and then don't even think about what they are doing while their body creates a new life.... however, I feel like I need to take it easy because I want to give my body more of a chance to do what it needs to do.  Now, I don' t know if that will actually matter or help, but in my mind it makes sense and calms me so that is what I'll do.

I am so tired.  I haven't been sleeping well with the progesterone suppositories because despite the fact that I wear a long over night pad to bed, I still worry about it leaking and ruining my pj pants or my sheets.  That oily stuff takes a while to clean out of things.  I just want to sleep... I try to sleep but then I clench my jaw and I wake up with a headache! I need to get better about wearing my night guard.  I only clench my jaw when I'm feeling stressed.  

Good thing I have some holiday parties coming that will occupy my mind and my time.  How do you get through the 2ww?

CD 1 where are you???

The ONE time I expect you to show your face on time and you can't even do that? WTF AF?

I've been peeing on sticks since Thursday.  You should have been here on Saturday yet I keep getting beyond negative tests.  What is the deal?

You're totally messing with me and I don't find it amusing at all. I even got my tampons and pads ready for you.  Let's get this show on the road because I have a date with an IUI and you're totally messing that up for me.

Why can't my ute do anything right?

Smiley Face

We got a smiley face on our OPK and we made sure to take advantage of that signal to us.

Now, we wait.  I hate waiting.

This week has been really busy with work so that has helped things speed up and pass by as well as keep my mind occupied.

Delayed AF

Where oh where are youuuu AF? I'm never happy to see AF, but this month I want it to get here so we can hurry and up get a move on with the next cycle.  Proof, yet again, that we are living our lives in cycles!

I had to go in for blood work again this past week for my thyroid and they upped my meds again.  I feel ok with the increased dosage, which I am happy about.  When I first started taking my medication over 2 years ago I remember I got headaches with the dosage they have me and I had to cut the pill in half. I am now taking a little more than 4 times what I used to be.  Insane!

Emotional Roller-coaster

The two week wait sucks. End of story.

Your mind plays tricks on you to get it to think that you are indeed pregnant.

Other times you don't even think about it and that worries you because you think "oh, I am definitely not pregnant if I don't feel anything"

My chart this month is a hot mess.  It is UP and DOWN and leveled out and then up again, which then gives me hope and then the next day it drops and this morning it dropped again and I started to cramp and get some spotting.

My period is coming.

I just know it.

And, I'm pissed off about it.

I don't want to have the laprascopic surgery, I don't want to have be doing this.

I don't get WHY this is happening to us.

I don't know what we did to deserve this and I really cannot figure out what we are supposed to be learning through this journey.

I am TIRED of people telling me it will happen.  Hate to break it to you people... It ISN'T happening!

I had a good cry tonight.  The kind where you can breathe and your face turns as red as a tomato.  It felt good but I know there is more in there because I hardly ever cry over this stuff.

I'm ready to get off this roller-coaster and settle into being a pregnant woman.

I'm ready to start a family and I am ready to be a mom.

AF! Where are you?

You would never hear me ask AF to show up at my door step but I've taken two pregnancy tests, days apart, have had some spotting and cramping and AF is still a no show! I just want it to come so we can move on to the next cycle! The pregnancy test I took this morning couldn't have been more negative!

I purchased some OPKs and pregnancy tests online and I am ready to use them, except, my body is messing with me! Let's get a move on to cycle 15!

Bye-Bye Cycle 11

I don't know if it is weird, sad, or denial, but I didn't mind it so much when this past cycle came to an end.  I guess I am just used to things not working for us.  I mean, we are DOING it right, it just isn't working!  I don't know what we can do differently.

I haven't charted my temp for a long while it while it felt great it was also weird toward the end, where I would look for a temp to tell me good or bad things.  It sure has been a nice break.

I am currently wearing a red, braided, thread bracelet that another blogger made for a bunch of women who are struggling to get pregnant right now.  I love feeling connected to women going through the same thing, even if I don't know them.

We will try this one more time before I make another call to the doctor to get JT tested and to get a move on with things.

I really cannot believe it has been just about year since we started on this journey.  I am thankful that it has been a quick year, though painful, it's gone by quick.  I've come to this peaceful feeling in this whole mess. I feel like there is something I am supposed to do before we have a child. I don't know what that is, or when or if  I'll know "aha, this is it!".  Maybe that is just the hope I am holding on to right now.  Either way, I'll take it.

Waiting....

Tears came to my eyes as I saw my chart the other day.  JT and I have been in a funk, both been super busy, and not in the mood to get it on... it is hard to have this added pressure of making a baby. During the time that I am fertile it no longer feel like something romantic but rather a business transaction.  I am pretty sure I've mentioned that before on here.  It is so hard to keep things light and fun and spontaneous these days.  I thought we'd be OUT for sure this month because I typically ovulate on Day 15... but my body decided to ovulate on a day that we got frisky.  So, tears came to my eyes when I saw that we still had a chance this month. 

I started the progesterone as soon as it came up on my chart that I ovulated on Day 13.  It is messy and annoying, but I'll do whatever I can to help us to achieve our baby.

The waiting game. Again.

Well, here we are 5 days after ovulation.  We need to wait another week or so before I will/can test.  I am not going to test early this time. I have done that the past 5 cycles and it just makes me feel so hopeful and excited and before I know it I am sad all over again.

I read a blog today where the author posted that she was 10 weeks pregnant with her 4th child.  FOURTH! We can't seem to get number 1. Bah. I just have this image in my mind of what I want life to be like for us and it seems so difficult to get from here.... to there.

My mind is flying a million miles an hour

Throughout this trying to have a baby process I have been charting my morning temperature. This allows me to know exactly when I ovulate, as well as, if pregnancy has taken place afterward. Anyway, yesterday morning my temp went down another degree instead of going up a few degrees, like I had hoped.  My heart dropped and my mind started flying.....

Thinking about friends who have talked about getting pregnant and wanting to start trying around this time and questioning how I would feel when one of them told me they were expecting if we were still trying.  I started to get mad about the whole process.

People say it is a "special time" -this whole trying to have a baby thing- and of course it is, but I am not sure I can feel that way any more because it is taking longer than I ever expected or hoped it would.  Yes, this is only our third time waiting, but three months is a long time. I realize people go through this for years upon years, and bless them, because I don't know how they do it. I am pretty sure if this goes on for a year I WILL go crazy.

And then this morning I saw that a friend of mine had announced that she was pregnant. I felt so happy for her but right away felt my stomach do a few flips.

I hate how this is making me feel.

Another session of waiting

Waiting to find out if you're having a baby is the longest thing ever. It feels like what waiting for Christmas to come use to be for me as a child. It took FOREVER.

Just a few more days and I can test.

I really hope this is our month.