The Answer

As you've probably noticed I've been avoiding blogging her for a little bit.  It's because we got our BFP and I had shared this blog with someone really close to me. I didn't want a blog post to be the way they found out about our fantastic news.  We found out on St. Patrick's Day. Which also happens to be my husband's birthday.  It was an amazing day and we've kept our news our little secret for a week.  It was nice to have something of our own since the whole IF journey has so many others involved- the doctors and nurses and who knows who else.

It was so hard for me to keep this from you for what feels like so long because you've been such a huge support to me. Rooting me on when we were doing well and picking me up when I fell flat on my face.  I cannot find the words to express to you the true feeling of gratefulness I have when I think about all of you and what you've done, brought to me, and taught me.  I understand if you'd like to stop following my blog.  Of course, we aren't out of the woods yet. It is still early, and we are only 5 weeks.  We have yet to have an ultrasound.  But, I know the sting, the punch in the gut, the feeling when the air leaves your body and you're left feeling defeated.  I've had that feeling for far too long.  So I completely understand if you can no longer be a part of this blog.

For those of you who like numbers my first Beta was 79 and my second 48 hours later was 193.  I go back in for blood work tomorrow and I'm not sure what will come after that.  They've upped my thyroid medicine from 50 to 75. I'm so glad they keep a close eye on that. We are still doing the PIO shots and I'm still taking Estrace.   I actually POAS Thursday 3/15 and we got a faint line.  I couldn't believe it.  It gave me so much hope and each day the lines got darker and darker.  I confess that I'll still pee on a stick every other day. :)

We graduate from our RE at week 8.  It will be so weird and I'm feeling nervous about it because we've had such great monitoring I'm not sure what it's going to feel like to be with a regular OB. The mindset of an IF women definitely doesn't leave you once you get that BFP you've been waiting for.  I'm looking forward to being able to write some more about the thoughts I've been having during this past week.

Thank you for all the well wishes! I appreciate it!

Hoping with my whole heart

I'm excited for our transfer tomorrow!  I'm excited to see the embryo that will move from it's apartment to the mansion I have waiting for it.  I feel like this is it. I want it to be it. I need it to work.  I get so happy when I think about about our embryos and how "gorgeous" (words out of the embryologists mouth) they look.  I'm so ready for this.

Most of the time my mind is consumed with positive, happy thoughts.  I even started looking at baby things again. ::gasp:: I haven't done that for AGES.  The positive energy we have coming our way is overwhelming and you can't help but feel hopeful and sure about this.

But then...
in the small, dark corner of my mind
I hear a voice that says "don't get too excited, you know darn well that this is not guaranteed."
I shush that voice quickly but know the truth. 

Regardless of this truth I'm choosing to live in this blissful state where I daydream what the doctor will say to me on the phone after my Beta results come in.  I feel tears well up in my eyes as I imagine crying tears of completely and utter joy and relief.

We go in tomorrow morning at 9 to transfer one beautiful embie and I hope with all my heart that this ours to keep.

Triggering tonight!

Tonight we trigger at 9:30 and we head in Saturday, March 3, for our egg retrieval. 

Omg.

No more Lup.ron (thank goodness). No more Men.opur.

Omg.

I'm feeling so many things right now.  Mainly excited... but then I'm in disbelief that we're here.  It seems like so long ago, yet like yesterday at the same time, that we sat with our RE and discussed IVF. We're actually doing this!

Omg.

This is happening. We may get our baby soon!

Did I mention that 3 is my favorite/lucky number???

ER on 3.3.12.

Eeeek!

We got our Meds!

Our meds came in the mail! woo hoo! You can imagine how many different things we had. I've never seen or had that many prescriptions at once.  I don't feel too overwhelmed with knowing the timing of the meds because I know this is a one thing at a time kind of process.  I've become very excited about this cycle starting and have been counting down the days.

We have:
2 Gonal-F pens
Lupron
Menopur
Novarel
Estridiol pills
Progestrone-PIO shots
Lots and lots of needles!

There are 8 more days until I go in for baseline blood work and an ultrasound.  I can't believe how quickly the time passed, but I am thankful for that.  I remember thinking, when we met with our RE a month and a half ago that this would take so long to come... but it's just around the corner.  I've been keeping busy and I know that is helping keep my mind occupied and it aids in the passing of time.

I am looking forward to the Superbowl this evening and I hope my Patriots kick some butt!

PS. I have 40 followers... um, way to put a smile on my face ladies! :)

Unmotivated but Excited...

I've been feeling super lazy lately. I don't have the motivation to do much these days. I come home from work completely wiped out from the class that I have this year! I can't even muster up the energy to go on the internet and visit my favorite sites.  I'm feeling tired and just plain blah.

However, I am getting excited about our upcoming IVF! We got the call today about our meds, and while we don't need to start them for another 2 weeks I'd rather have them here in time instead of worrying if they'll get here on time.  $1200 later we were told they would be on their way this Wednesday.

Today I found myself thinking about baby names and saying "our baby" to myself while at work.  I feel like so much of the disappointment we experience month after month has pushed back the thinking I used to do about us a family when we have kids.  I used to think about what we'd do and how I'd like to plan our weekly activities.  I thought about baby names and nursery decor and somewhere along the line of this journey I haven't let myself do much thinking about all of this.  I wonder if that makes my body think I want this any less.... I don't even know that makes sense or if it is possible for your body to react to what you think.

I've thought about how to describe this horrible thing we're going through to people who don't know IRL that we're going through IF.  I can't seem to figure out a way to explain the true pain, the desire. and the fear that comes with every single day of this.  I can't find a way to put it together in one solid paragraph, rather it comes out in pages that could make up a book.  I know that some people will never try to understand or just won't be able to grasp the emotional toll that this can take on a couple, but it doesn't change the fact that I want to try with all my being to get the message across

Overwhelmed

Man, it has been one super hectic week.  I tried to make sure that I didn't have a lot going on in December because I knew we would be doing our IUI cycle and I figured that would be enough to handle.  Somehow my calendar got filled and I've been coming home late every night.  On top of late nights my job is uber stressful since report cards are coming out so the piles of uncorrected paper work has been haunting me all week long.  I've been trying to take deep breaths and savor my time at acupuncture but somehow during every day I find myself feeling completely overwhelmed, and when I feel that way, I don't want to do a damn thing. I just want to cuddle on the couch with a book or a good movie!

We are still doing our injects and I had some blood work and an U/S yesterday.  At the U/S the tech told me I had one 15mm follie and a bunch of smaller ones on the right side as well as some smaller ones on the left.  Later on in the day a nurse called me to tell me to continue our dosage and that I would hear from someone on Sunday. The nurse then continued to tell me that I would most likely be going in on Tuesday for the IUI! Oh my gosh! I can't believe this is actually happening!

We had our yard sale

We finally hard our yard sale.  Even though it sucked and we didn't make much we still took the time to get rid of all of the crap stuff and now the first office aka second bedroom is pretty cleaned out.  There is just a book case, my sewing table, and a few odds and ends.

I love coming up the stairs and seeing the empty space and thinking about what is going to happen to that room.  It makes me excited to think about the possibilities and what it will be like to be on that journey.

Just thinking

Yesterday we spent the afternoon with some friends and their child.  While the guys mostly hung around inside watching sports and talking about "manly" things, the mom and her son and I ventured outside for awhile.  We just played with cars and trucks and bubbles and laughed and talked a little bit here and there.  It gave me a glimpse of  what a sunny Saturday could be like some day with a child of our own.

It is amazing how much something you look forward to can take over your mind so quickly.

Our Little Secret

Someone asked me today about when we'd be getting ready for a baby.  I shrugged and said "sometime over the summer." 

It is hard to go around and not tell people that we'll actually be starting to just let things happen in a few short weeks... but after advertising it all last year like a plane with a banner trailing behind, I want this to be something special for just us, because IT IS!

I am so open and not a very private person but I have to remember it is not just about me, it is about JT AND I so I have to be considerate of his feelings.  Plus, it will be nice to have this be our little secret for awhile.  I am too quick to tell people the news, whether good or bad, because I'm like that.  I really hope I can keep this in because I really, truly want to enjoy it, just the two of us, for as long as possible!!!

Spring is here!

For over a year we have been talking about the fact that in Spring of 2010 we would begin trying for a family of our own.

Well, spring is here and so is the constant thought of growing a child inside my belly. I cannot wait to see JT as a father and I cannot wait to experience something so profound with the man I love more and more each day.

It is here that we will chronicle the events that happen as we embark on this amazing journey.