How do I represent IF?

For the past few months I have wanted to find some way in which I can brand myself with something that would let the outside world know that we've had struggles with IF.  I would like to find a necklace, bracelet or maybe some kind of small symbolic tattoo that would represent IF.

I know the emotional factor will always be with me.  I have a scar from my laparoscopy which determined that I have Endometriosis Stage 3 and every morning when I shower I see that scar.  I'm the only one that knows it's there as it's in a place that you don't show off. 

The financial piece will be with us for some time and our bank statement is a constant reminder of that.  It has been well worth the money, don't get me wrong, but what was once a new car, a new house or the next vacation is no longer.

I want to have something that will make people look and ask what it means so I can tell them of our journey.  I want to have something to remind myself of the person I've become.  I want something to remind me all of you, because you've become such a big part of me.

How in the world do I represent IF?

Green with Envy

Lately there seem to be many friends that I've known for years that are getting pregnant or ready to have their babies.  It is exciting!  The one thing that I'm feeling annoyed with though, is the conversations that I have with those who are planning their second child.  They mention they'll start trying in a certain month and because they got pregnant on the first try with their first one I'm guilty of thinking it will happen so easily for them again.  And, I'm sure they think the same for themselves... I mean why shouldn't they? Of course, that isn't always the case, and I don't wish struggling to get pregnant on anyone, but I feel green with envy at the thought of my friends being able to choose the months in which they would like to get pregnant because they would like to have the baby in a certain months.  I mean really?  I don't even know what that would be like as it's now a distant memory of a place we once were in.  We are so far away from that. So far away.

My week of NIAW on FB

I was finally read to blast Face.book with the news that we had struggled with fertility for close to two years.  All of our closest friends and family knew but it's different putting it all out there for old high school friends, acquaintances, college friends, old and current colleagues, as well as family. Once it's out there, it's out there.... but I wanted to do it so badly because I wanted to be the voice for those going through infertility that weren't ready, and may never be ready to tell the people around them what they are going through.

I'm going to share with you the statuses that I wrote on Face.book along with the links I provided.


Day 1- Apirl 22
Today begins National Infertility Awareness Week. 1 in 8 couples suffer from infertility and we are part of that statistic. Infertility is defined as the inability to conceive after one year of unprotected intercourse (six months if the wom...an is over age 35) or the inability to carry a pregnancy to live birth. Visit Resolve.org for more information.

I broke our silence in February. Here's the blog post in case you missed it. (I linked my public blog- if you're interested in checking that one out let me know by sending me an email. I post a lot of photos. ourlifeincycles at gmail dot com) 

My second post later that day:
Thank you all for the kind words and messages. I really appreciate it. ♥ I want to share what we've been through because we're open to talking about it and my main goal is that I want to be the voice for so many of those who can't bear to let anyone know what they're going through. It's a heavy weight to carry. ♥

Day 2- April 22
National Infertility Awareness Week- Day 2:

Infertility is not only an emotional difficulty but also a financial one. We happen to live in a state where fertility coverage is not mandatory which means that we pay out of pocket (or OOP) for... any appointments, medications, or procedures.

Fifteen states have passed laws requiring that insurance policies cover some level of infertility treatment: Arkansas, California, Connecticut, Hawaii, Illinois, Louisiana, Maryland, Massachusetts, Montana, New Jersey, New York, Ohio, Rhode Island, Texas and West Virginia. For more on this visit the insurance coverage section of resolve.org.

Please take a moment to view this video on the cost of infertility.

Day 3- April 24
Fact: A healthy couple has a 20% of getting pregnant each month. That's right, only a 20% chance...

As you pass the year marker your percentage goes down dramatically. Your OB/GYN can help you with initial testing if you find that you're... not becoming pregnant. Please make sure you have a doctor that will monitor you no matter what protocol they have you on. By monitor I mean regular blood work and ultrasound to see what's going on. If your OB/GYN has tested you and things come back "normal" it is a good idea to find a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE for short- and it's a fertility doctor) so they can do further testing to determine a medical reason for not becoming pregnant.

It's important to know that approximately 30% of infertility is due to a female factor and 30% is due to a male factor.

Overall: Find a great doctor you trust and one that will be there with you every step watching how your body reacts to medication. Trust your body and your gut, if something doesn't feel right, it's probably not.

Professional Services Directory

Day 4- April 25
When dealing with infertility it may feel like you are alone but you are NOT! There are great communities out there- online and peer groups (if you're ready for that go to resolve.org to find a local one). Start reading blogs of those going... through infertility. While each journey is completely different we're all aiming for the same goal- a baby of our own. Check out these videos where some celebrities share their story as well as everyday people. ♥

The Truth About Trying by Redbook 

Second post that day:
 

Day 5- April 26 
Relaxing, adopting, taking a vacation, getting drunk, and not thinking about IT are NOT solutions to fertility issues. Specialists don't prescribe them, and suggesting them to a friend who is struggling isn't helpful. Sometimes, well meaning people give misguided advice. For information on how to support someone experiencing infertility, check out resolve.org's tips on Infertility Etiquette

Day 6- April 27
"Infertility has a strong impact on self-esteem. Suddenly your life, which may have been well-planned and successful, seems out-of-control. Not only is your physical body not responding as expected but it feels as if your entire life is on ...hold. Facing the disappointment of not becoming pregnant month after month can..." be hard on your marriage. Be sure to take time to get out of the house and go on mini-dates. Take care of yourself and each other by doing things that make you happy. Self-care is so important during this difficult journey. ♥ Hidden No More: The Hidden Emotions of Infertility

Day 7- April 28
Today is the last day of National Infertility Awareness Week and I want to remind you that 1 in 8 couples suffer with infertility and there is a good chance you know someone experiencing this difficulty. So, be careful who you complain to about your pregnancy or kids because many couples would do *anything* to have that.
Thank you is not enough for all the amazing support I received via FB message, email, or text.
A *big* thank you to those who shared your story with me.
Love to all. 

I cannot even begin to tell you the number of emails and face.book messages I received.  Some giving support, but many women shared their story with me.  Their story of struggles, and loss, and pain, and the beginning of the journey fears.  It has just been incredible. 

Don't Ignore Infertility- NIAW

Happy NIAW week ladies! 

I've been talking about infertility on my public blog and face.book and it's created quite the conversation amongst my friends and family and for that I am glad.  I've received lots of emails with people's stories and how they are thankful for me using my voice to advocate awareness for those struggling who don't want to be public about it. My husband and I have been pretty open about what we have gone through as we went through it and I am more than willing to speak out and spread information for those who just aren't ready to be public with their private struggles.  Of course, when I hit publish on anything, whether it be my public blog and face.book, my heart skips a beat because once it's out there.... it's out there.

I hope to spread information and give people some tools, resources, and ways to help others.  Much love to all of you still working it all. I pray for BFPs for ladies all the time. Much love.

Wondering what a carefree pregnancy feels like....

I caught myself wondering, once again, what it might feel like to get pregnant relatively quickly after trying and to never have any complications.. you know, that naive person you and I used to be at the beginning of all this...

I wonder how exciting appointments must have been and how the different symptoms and body changes would be such a great change.  For me, appointments cause anxiety because I'm left wondering the days prior to if things will still look good.  Any symptom or body change makes me wonder if things are going as they should.  The questions, the doubt, always there in the back of my mind. 

On Friday I had to go get blood work done for my OB- 5 vials of blood to be exact.  It would ave been 7 but I already had 2 of them done with my RE clinic, in fact chances are I had all the blood work done before, but whatever! I'm not afraid of needles and don't mind getting blood drawn, I typically donate blood when I can.  Anyway, I got to the hospital, where they would do the blood work and I had to wait for what felt like forever.  I was out of there in about 45 minutes.  I'm so used to the in and out with my clinic.  If I had blood work to be done and there was no one in front of me I could literally be in and out in 5 minutes!  I was saying on Twitter that I need to change my mindset from the quick, specialized care, to the way care used to be before this.

Other than still processing everything I'm feeling pretty good.  I do have a lot more joint aches and pains than I would like, mostly at night, which makes it so hard to sleep.  We have an appointment tomorrow morning so I'm hoping to get some more information and something to help me out with the pain.

Happy ICLW!

Advocating for yourself.

Among the many lessons that I've learned while going through the terrible journey of infertility is that there is one that remains the same on both sides of the fence and that big one is to continue advocating for yourself.  Ultimately, you know your body best and you need to speak up for what you need.

It's not that I don't trust doctors or feel that they know what they're doing, it's that we've worked so hard to get where we are that I don't want something terrible to happen simply because it was overlooked.  I don't want to be just another pregnant patient at the OB office.  I want my thyroid checked regularly and I don't want to have to be the one to constantly request this blood test, but if that is what it takes, then that is what I'll do.

I'm not a high risk pregnant patient but I almost think that patients who went through IVF or any kind of fertility treatment should be.... just to maintain that close eye and that ... for lack of a better word "special" treatment.  I don't know that Special is exactly the word I'm looking for, but the fact is that we've been so closely monitored while trying to achieve pregnancy; why can't we have that monitoring throughout?  If only they knew the anxiety that comes with getting pregnant after IF.

I'm getting to the point where I'm definitely more excited than fearful, but the fear is not completely gone and I don't know that it ever will be.  All I know is that I have to stick up for what my body needs, for what this baby needs because I'm the only one that can take care of us right now.

I came out on my public blog....

 It's been on my mind for quiet some time now... to tell our story on my public blog.  I knew I wanted to write about it, I just didn't know what exactly I wanted to say or when I wanted to publish it.  Once I made up my mind to do it I spent some time brain storming.  On one of my numerous trips to a monitoring appointment I put my phone on voice record and I just talked it out.  I did this for a few days until I had my thoughts together and finally I knew I was ready to write it up.

It took me about 2 hours to finish, edit and schedule it's publish time.  My heart was pounding when I hit publish.  It would appear live the following morning around 5am.  I changed my comment settings so that comments would have be seen and approved by me before being published. I wanted to digest the words that people may leave before allowing everyone else to see them. I was nervous because I was putting it out there... not all the fine details, but it would now be out, what we're dealing with.  

The next morning I woke up and after getting dressed for the day I made my way to computer with my heart pounding in my ears.  I had one sweet comment with 3 simple words: I love you.  Those words written by one of my best friends made me smile and want to hug my computer screen.  I knew after that it wouldn't matter what anyone else said. I went to work and didn't even think about the post until I got home that evening and remembered and wanted to get to the computer.  There were about 10 comments waiting for me to read and as the days passed a few more came in.  I felt a sense of relief about being out about our infertility. I had been such a part of that blogging community and as time went on in this terrible IF journey this blog, right here, was the community I needed, wanted and desired to spend my time with... so, it felt nice to open up to them and let them know why I'd suddenly disappeared.

Here is exactly what I posted, copy and pasted for you to read. 

It is titled We Refuse to Suffer in Silence

It's time to tell you why I haven't been around...

By now we should have a six month old, maybe a nine month, or if we were extremely lucky, a one year old, but we don't.  Rather, we've learned, as many of you have learned with various life events, that things hardly ever go according to plan. Instead we have heart ache, from disappointment month after month. We are left questioning- Why us? When will it be our turn? And we are spending our days stressing out about our finances because we happen to live in a state where fertility coverage is not mandatory.  {Fact: Fifteen states have passed laws requiring that insurance policies cover some level of infertility treatment: Arkansas, California, Connecticut, Hawaii, Illinois, Louisiana, Maryland, Massachusetts, Montana, New Jersey, New York, Ohio, Rhode Island, Texas and West Virginia. (For more on this visit the insurance coverage section of resolve.org.}

1 in 8 couples suffer from infertility and we are part of that statistic. Infertility is defined as the inability to conceive after one year of unprotected intercourse (six months if the woman is over age 35) or the inability to carry a pregnancy to live birth. 

It has been 1 year and 10 calendar months since we started trying.  My monthly cycles are shorter than the typical months so we have in fact had more cycles than months in the year, so we are just about at the 2 year mark in terms of cycles.  In that time we've watched friends, who started much later than us, become successful at achieving pregnancy and have their babies. Words cannot even begin to describe, or explain, the deep pain and sadness that comes with this.  You see so many people around you so easily, and quickly become pregnant.  It may take some of them a couple of months, maybe even 6 months, but beyond that I don't know too many people who have gone past that time-frame.  And those who have, were eventually able to become pregnant on their own.  We are not one of those couples. We are still wanting, and wishing and hoping and waiting for a baby of our own. 

There are so many people suffering silently with infertility because not only is it a private matter, what happens in the bedroom, and when you decide to start a family but then comes the layer of shame. You feel like a failure because your body isn't doing what it is "supposed" to do. It is because of these people that I am speaking out today.  I want to share our story on my blog because despite the fact that our family members know our story, and our closest friends know our story, there are still many couples out there suffering in silence and are left feeling alone. I am here to tell you that you are not alone in this.

After reading Taking Charge of Your Fertility nearly three years ago thanks to my friend Mo who recommended it. I started charting my cycle and taking my temperature every single morning. After learning about my cycle I started using ovulation prediction kits and spent so much money on pregnancy tests that mocked us month after month.  Then we realized we've tried it all... Since last May we've been tested, poked with needles, and have had numerous doctor appointments to discuss things you would never imagine talking about with another person besides your spouse.  The idea of conceiving a child during a romp in the sheets became a distant fantasy as we were now facing the reality that our child may be conceived in a petri dish.... The idea of this hurt like nothing I've ever felt before.  I haven't cried much throughout this frustrating and painful time but every now and again something will happen and I'll find myself sobbing uncontrollably.  It's just not fair and there is no explanation of why this is happening to us.  We are good people... what did we do to deserve this?

Since my diagnosis {which I'll post about tomorrow} I ran my last race and put my running shoes in the closet.  I was determined to do anything to get us the family we so desired. Our Reproductive Endocrinologist wanted me to gain 5-10 pounds and with the running I was doing it was not going to happen.  It broke my heart and I cried over the loss of something that gave me such joy, relieved immense stress and reminded me that my body wasn't a complete failure.  But, I'm an all or nothing kind of girl.  I knew I would have a hard time cutting back on my distance or the amount of times I ran because I was literally addicted to it.  When you want something so badly you're willing to do just about anything to get it.

As you can imagine it has been so hard to concentrate on anything besides this new way of life.  It literally consumes your thoughts and your body leaving you exhausted which means that things you used to enjoy doing {keeping up your blog, learning new photo tricks and trying them out, reading, hanging out with friends, going out and having fun} come to a halt. It's so much easier staying home and not having to explain to someone that you didn't hear what they said because you were just thinking about what the result of your latest test might be.

We've shelled out thousands of dollars for medications and procedures since November.  I've been injected with hormones, become cranky and emotional, not to mention hugely bloated.  We've cried and hoped and received many well wishes and positive thoughts from some incredibly supportive people. I'm not a private person by nature so certain people in our lives have known along the way that we've been struggling to conceive.  I am so glad to have shared this news because the questions of "when will you have a baby?" have stopped and instead we're given hugs, cards, meals, and positive energy. We are still hoping one of the procedures will bring us our baby.

If you are at the beginning of your journey to have a child and you feel like things are taking a little bit longer than they should here are some tips for you:

1. Take some time to learn about your body. Read Taking Charge of Your Fertility.  That book has been amazing and I am so thankful to my friend Mo who shared the title with me because I've learned so much from it. It remains on my night stand and has been underlined, highlighted and pages folded over.
2. Find out about your insurance coverage because you'll have to make financial decisions that you never imagined.
3. Ask your OB/GYN for a recommendation to a Reproductive Endocrinologist {RE for short}.  You need to find a doctor who specializes in fertility.  It is scary to leave a Dr. that you know and feel comfortable with but your OB/GYN can only do so much for you.  You need to find an RE that you feel comfortable with, someone that has a lot of knowledge and you can trust because they'll be doing lots of testing and will eventually be doing your treatments.
4. Get online. There are so many amazing online forums/communities to join. It's time to get connected to women who are going through the same exact thing as you.  As much as you want to talk with your BFF, if they haven't experienced infertility it just won't be the kind of conversation you need.  It has been an amazing source of support and a great reminder that we are not alone. It has been a life saver for me because I don't know anyone in my real life that has gone this long and has actually had to go through treatments to have the family they've always dreamed of.
5. Do things to treat yourself: buy that cute top if you want to, get your favorite dessert, go get a pedi, or watch your favorite movie for the hundredth time.  Know that it is ok to say no and take care of yourself.
6. Remember that you are NOT alone!

If you are reading this post and know someone who is going through infertility, whether it be primary (trying for their first) or secondary (trying for another child) there are few things you can do to help them through this:

1. Listen.  Just listen.  It is hard for us to open up about this, especially if you are currently pregnant or already have children. Don't worry about trying to fill the space or say something genius.  Just listen, tell us your sorry, that you'll keep us in your thoughts and give us a hug.
2. Send them notes, texts or emails saying Hi, thinking of you.  Don't always expect a long response but know how deeply grateful we are for this because it becomes hard to reach out to the people we love most.
3. Don't judge their choices.  Whatever they decide to do, and until you've walked in their shoes and have to make decisions that they are making, don't judge what they decide because not everyone going through infertility is going to choose the same path. Just like treating Cancer- everyone's treatment is different. There are many options for Infertility and no one option is the right one for everyone.  It depends on age, diagnosis, what you're comfortable and ready for... each of us had to do what is right for us.
4. Be careful when giving what you feel is good advice.  We know you don't mean any harm, and appreciate the fact that you're trying, but it is more aggravating to hear and deal with than it is helpful.  Things such as:

• "Just Adopt"- this isn't for everyone
• "Just Relax" or "Stop stressing"- there is no medical evidence to prove that stress causes infertility
• "It will happen- don't worry!"- Too late, we are worrying
• "You're young, you have plenty of time!" -We don't want plenty of time, we just want a family
• "Go get drunk!" -Been there, done that, still no baby...
• Infertility is a medical condition, not something we've made up.

If you've gotten this far, thank you so much for reading what has taken me so long to share with you.  It means more to me than you'll know!

Retail Therapy & Relaxation

Thank you all for your sweet comments on my post yesterday.  I appreciate it more than you know!  I do know I need to take it one day at a time but my mind disagrees in the darkness of the night! I made a list the other night of things I kept thinking about and I've been enjoying crossing things off.  I think I'll park a notebook and pen on my night stand to continue my list making in the wee hours of the day.

Yesterday, after my post, I showered and headed to Target.  I had been wanting to get some new sandals for the spring/summer and a friend had sent me a picture text showing me what they had there so I needed to go see for myself!  Of course, you know you can't go to Target and only buy one thing... so 100 bucks later I was checking out.  I got my sandals, 2 cds (I haven't bought a cd in ages!) some nail polish and snacks, and k-kups-(sleepy time tea sounded like a good idea). 

After putting my bank card through the wringer I decided to get a late lunch at my favorite cafe and head home to watch some TV while I ate.  I got sucked into MTV Battle of the Exes.  I haven't watched a challenge show in YEARS but it was keeping my mind occupied and it was complete entertainment so I didn't change the channel.

After a decent night of sleep I'm in a better place today.  One day at a time, one thing at a time, and all will be good.  Hubs and I are coming up with a list of ways that I can feel less overwhelmed and have some great ideas to get me calm and quite before bed time.  I'm so thankful for such a wonderful man like him!

I hope you all have had a great weekend!  I'm waiting for CD1 to get here... if it doesn't get here on it's own I got on Wednesday for ultrasound and blood work and then I'm sure I'll start the next injection! eeek!

Overtired and Overwhelmed

This week has been filled with the lack of sleep and an overwhelming feeling of anxiety.  I am beyond exhausted.  I almost got up at 4 am today to type this up because I was wide awake in bed yet again.  It all started on Sunday night- the night before I was to get blood work done to start the IVF process.  I woke up at 1am, tossed and turned, got out of bed around 1:40 and didn't crawl back into bed until about 3:45, only to have to get up at 5:30.  It was just the beginning...

Each night I wake up at some point and I am awake for at least 2 hours. The minutes pass like hours and I can't get my mind to shut up.  I wear a night guard because I clench my jaw and was wearing on my teeth, but even with the night guard, I still wake up with headaches from the clenching. 

Thursday night I had dinner with my mom then we made a quick trip to Target to get Ty.lenol, since that is the only thing I can take for this headache I've been having.  I was home and watching TV in bed by 7:45.  I passed out around 8:15.  I woke up for a small time that morning but was able to sleep and would have loved to sleep all day yesterday.  Today I have no plans, yet I can't sleep.

What do I think about while I'm awake? So many things.  I am a teacher and will be taking a week off of work so I can have my bed rest after the ER and ET.  I lie there thinking of the things I need to do to get ready for a sub.  It typically takes me 1.5 to 2 hours to make sub plans for ONE day... the thought of having to cover FIVE days is overwhelming!   It will get done, I know this, but I am a crazy planner and control freak of my classroom and my students so it's not wonder that this idea is stressing me out.  I think about my side photography business, which has unfortunately fallen to the wayside, and I want to get back into all of that but of course I just can't do it right now.  I think about posting about my IF struggles on my other blog that people in real life follow, which I barely update any more because this blog has become my home.  I think about the fact that my husband I haven't had sex for awhile because I simply don't feel in the mood.  I feel disgusting and bloated and can't seem to get over it- even in the dark. I think about everything.

I'm completely overwhelmed with work.  The stress there is out of control.  The kids are crazy and don't want to put any effort into anything which is completely frustrating because I'm supposed to help them want to be life long learners but they don't give a damn... and they are only 9 and 10. I find it sad.  Plus, my co-workers bring drama that I just don't need.  I'm finding myself hating going to work because I'm so stressed and angry while I'm there and that is not at all the mood I want to be in for this cycle.

I can't even do a simple task these days.  I was making Mac and Cheese and hot dogs for dinner the other night (one of my favorites) and I found myself sweating and feeling annoyed at one point because everything was ready at once and I couldn't seem to figure out to get the meal finished without wanting to scream and walk away.

I see my counselor Monday night and I am thankful for that because I just need to hear what she has to say.  She always puts things in a perspective I never would think about in the thick of things. I want to feel peaceful and rested and calm and I'm the farthest away from those three things than I ever thought possible. 

Deep breath in...
Deep breath out.

How in the world do you guys cope?

Thank you

I have to take a moment to thank you all for the amazing comments you left me yesterday.  I had a pretty big brain dump and reading all of your comments today made me feel like you had each given me a hug.  I literally had tears in my eyes as I was reading through them.  I can't express enough how grateful I am for this community! Your support, your words of wisdom, and your kindness help me so much during this time. It also makes me want to set up reservations for a great night out to dinner because I'm sure we'd all have a hell of a good time!

So, my dear blog friends, from the bottom of my heart: Thank You!

Sometimes you gotta lose 'til you win

There are so many songs that speak to me about different parts of life. I have to say that this one that I'm shearing is the one that has been there for me when I'm feeling frustrated or know that I need a cry because I hold it together so much of the time. It just makes me feel better and reminds me that it will be alright again.

Little Miss

by Sugarland

Little miss done on love

Little miss, I give up

Little miss, I'll get tough, don't you worry about me anymore

Little miss checkered dress

Little miss, one big mess

Little miss, I'll take less when I always give so much more

It's alright, it's alright, it's alright

Yeah, sometimes you gotta lose 'til you win

It's alright, it's alright, it's alright

It'll be alright again

It'll be alright again, I'm okay

It'll be alright again, I'm okay (I'm okay)

It'll be alright again, I'm okay

Little miss, do your best

Little miss, never rest

Little miss, be my guest, I'll make more anytime that it runs out

Little miss, you'll go far

Little miss, hide your scars

Little miss, who you are is so much more than you like to talk about

It's alright, it's alright, it's alright

Yeah, sometimes you gotta lose 'til you win

It's alright, it's alright, it's alright

It'll be alright again

It'll be alright again, I'm okay

It'll be alright again, I'm okay (I'm okay)

It'll be alright again, I'm okay

Hold on

Hold on, you are loved

Are loved...

Little miss, brand new start

Little miss, do your part

Little miss, big old heart beats wide open and she's ready now for love

It's alright, it's alright, it's alright

Yeah, sometimes you gotta lose 'til you win

It's alright, it's alright, it's alright

It'll be alright again

It'll be alright again, I'm okay

It'll be alright again, I'm okay (I'm okay, it'll be alright again) **usually where I cry**

I'm okay! (It'll be alright again)

Is there a song that gets you through all of this?

My body. My Mind. My Heart.

For whatever reason my mind keeps thinking about my body today and how it seems to fail to do it's job.  I've been pretty positive all weekend thinking about our upcoming IVF but somehow my mind started thinking so much that I've become annoyed at my body again.

It all started when I was thinking about our IUI and how my husband had these FANTASTIC numbers after being washed 2 or 3 times = 195 million.  All we needed was one and he had 195 million.  All we needed was for my eggs to meet sperm and unite but that did not happen.  Now, I have to keep in mind that the success rate for us for this procedure was only 17%.  Regardless, that didn't keep me from thinking this was going to be it. I mean come on! We've taken the trip through the vagina and up the cervix out of the picture for the spermies and their job was to land in the uterus and swim to my tubes and wait for an egg.  I'm sure they did just this.  What I don't know is what the hell happened to my egg.  Did they fly out of the tube and whiz right by the sperm saying "hell no!"?  Did they dance a little bit and try to unite but failed to do so, maybe because the sperm moved too fast and the egg wanted nothing to do with it?  Did they in fact meet but never implant? Did they meet but then fail to survive? 

So many questions and we won't know about the joining of our parts until we have this IVF.  I am thankful that we're doing ICSI-even though my husband has wonderful motility and count- it just the way my RE does his IVF treatment.  But I am curious to hear how our parts work together.

I started to think about all the testing my body has been through.  I had blood work on my progesterone level and my OB/GYN even had me take suppositories just in case a little extra could help with the implantation. Then we moved on to the HSG to see if the tubes were clear and according to what they say, yes indeed they were.  We finally decided it was time to see an RE and I then had so much blood work done- which is easy enough to do.  I had the Laparoscopic surgery to determine if there was endometriosis, which indeed there was.  My thyroid meds have been changed to meet the desired numbers by my RE.  I swore that would make all the difference.  Yet, here we are gearing up for IVF.

I'm putting all my hope and positive energy into thinking this IVF will work.  I mean, we want it to... we need it to.  I am pretty sure that should it not work we'll attempt it a second time, but if that doesn't take then we're done.  I am absolutely terrified to think about how I'll feel if we get to that point.  It will absolutely break my heart to have to live child free but we've already decided that adoption is not for us.  I push all of those thoughts into a dark corner of my mind.  I wish I didn't think like that, but I do.  It's the way I cope with things. I automatically think of the worst possible outcome so that if something actually works out the way I secretly wanted it to then I am beyond happy, but if they don't, then I've already considered the possibilities of the next steps.

I continue to go back in my mind and think about all of the things I may have done to deserve this.  I remember reading a book the summer before JT and I got married and the main character in the book was struggling to get pregnant.  I thought to myself, and said to JT, that if we ever have to go through I'll go crazy.  Is that Karma coming back to say "ha ha-remember that beautiful day on the beach?"  In my clear mindset I know that there is nothing I have done, it is medical, but it doesn't make it any easier. What makes it even worse is that I don't know a single soul in real life going through this so I feel entirely like a freak of nature when thinking about our groups of friends because we're the only one dealing with needles and spending thousands of dollars trying to obtain the one thing they got with a romp in the sheets.

I'm so over this roller coaster of emotions. Yoga was terrible because my mind would not shut up.  I tried with all my mind and focused on my breathing but was only successful for about a minute at a time.

Telling people we're dealing with IF

Yesterday I posted about trying to figure out just how to word and express the pains that come with our IF journey.  Many of you left wonderful comments and I greatly appreciate that! I love this community so much.  I just wanted to share that we have told many people what we are going through and I share what I can with those who know.  My family and hub's family knows.  Plus, all of our closest friends.  There are some that just know that we are dealing with IF and others who know exactly when our IUI is happening and they will also be the ones who know exactly what's going on with our IVF cycle.

I can't seem to figure out how to express via Facebook, blog post, or conversation the trials and tribulations that come with something like this.  Infertility awareness week is coming up in April and by then I'd really like to out myself on Facebook.  I want people who never thought of it before, to realize that couples struggle with creating the family that you would think comes so easily.  I want to inform and possibly be there for those who don't have anyone to talk to or are just starting out on this journey.

It feels weird though... thinking about sharing on Facebook... because that means that so many people that I no longer talk to or will ever see again (people from HS or College that remain on my FB) will know our business.  It's so private. But then I think about how there are so many people suffering in silence.  I want to educate.  Maybe that is just the teacher in me... or just the part of me that wants to become an advocate for us.  People rally together when someone has Cancer, Alzheimer or has gone through Domestic Violence. There are fundraisers and walks in hopes of raising money to help people coping with those things, as well as bringing more education to people.  I think it's time that we really together for things that are less commonly talked about like Depression, IF, or something else.

I'll be partnering up with some other women I connected with on Twitter to get the word out about Endometriosis during the month of March. I am looking forward to that coming together because maybe it will help me figure out what to do about the end of April.

Unmotivated but Excited...

I've been feeling super lazy lately. I don't have the motivation to do much these days. I come home from work completely wiped out from the class that I have this year! I can't even muster up the energy to go on the internet and visit my favorite sites.  I'm feeling tired and just plain blah.

However, I am getting excited about our upcoming IVF! We got the call today about our meds, and while we don't need to start them for another 2 weeks I'd rather have them here in time instead of worrying if they'll get here on time.  $1200 later we were told they would be on their way this Wednesday.

Today I found myself thinking about baby names and saying "our baby" to myself while at work.  I feel like so much of the disappointment we experience month after month has pushed back the thinking I used to do about us a family when we have kids.  I used to think about what we'd do and how I'd like to plan our weekly activities.  I thought about baby names and nursery decor and somewhere along the line of this journey I haven't let myself do much thinking about all of this.  I wonder if that makes my body think I want this any less.... I don't even know that makes sense or if it is possible for your body to react to what you think.

I've thought about how to describe this horrible thing we're going through to people who don't know IRL that we're going through IF.  I can't seem to figure out a way to explain the true pain, the desire. and the fear that comes with every single day of this.  I can't find a way to put it together in one solid paragraph, rather it comes out in pages that could make up a book.  I know that some people will never try to understand or just won't be able to grasp the emotional toll that this can take on a couple, but it doesn't change the fact that I want to try with all my being to get the message across

Making Plans

I had dinner last night with some girls that I used to work with.  We try to get together once a month and most of the time it works out, but sometimes we just can't make our schedules jive.  It is always great to sit and catch up with them.  There are 5 of us, including myself.  Two of them have kids, once just recently got married and the other is single but dating to find Mr. Right.

As I was sitting there listening to the life updates and the plans people had made for the next few months, like vacation, it made me feel jealous, then annoyed, then frustrated.  We don't make plans like that any more.  We are literally living our life from once cycle to the next right now because we so desperately want a family.  We can't go on a vacation because spending the money it would take to go to a gorgeous location for a decent amount of time could be a fertility treatment.

One of the girls said she didn't think she wanted kids.  She said maybe, one day... but not now.  I can respect that but I also resent that because she is probably the one who can get pregnant at the drop of a hat and she is choosing not to.  I have a few friends who are choosing not to have children.  I get that that lifestyle isn't for everyone, just like how going to college isn't one size fits all.  It still just makes me think about the fact that here I sit, wanting to have a child with every fiber of my being and I can't.  I just can't seem to get pregnant.  And I feel (but certainly don't know) that these women who are making the choice not have children could get pregnant easier than me. Like I said, I respect the decisions my friends make it just gives me something else to think about.

I am jealous that people are busy making life plans and I don't even know what I can do next month because it might interfere with my IVF regimen.  Sigh.

Work is getting in the way of my life

Lately, I'm having a hard time doing my job and doing it well.  I've been feeling this way since the start of the school year.  My head just isn't in the game.  I'm constantly thinking of what we are dealing with and what I can do to make the odds better for us so that we can finally have our baby.  I can't focus and I feel bad about it.  I just don't want to work. I'm too distracted to be there.  Yesterday I was thinking how work was getting in the way of my life and then I laughed at myself because work is the reason I can do anything in life.  Without work there would be no pay check and with no paycheck there would be no gas in my car, no food on the table... you get the picture.

Basically I just need to win the lottery.

We have figured out a way to get the money we need without paying such a big finance fee.  It is in the midst of being finalized so I am still feeling uneasy.  I know I won't feel OK until a check is sent to our clinic and our bill is paid so we can start the cycle.  I hope then I'll be able to sleep again.  I've been tossing and turning and waking up right at 3 or 4 am every single morning and not being able to go back to sleep.  That makes for one tired teacher who doesn't have patience to deal with her 4th graders.  No good.

My husband and I are headed to the Patriots Playoff game tonight.  I am so excited to go tailgating and to be able to have fun and just forget about our troubles for an evening.  I hope you all have a wonderful weekend!

What a relief

This past weekend was wonderful.  Simply wonderful.  It started off with happy hour with some work friends.  Early in the work day I felt so completely exhausted that I contemplated bailing out and heading straight home for the couch but in the end I knew I wanted, and should go.  I had a blast! We laughed and chatted and I got buzzed off a sangria and a beer.... which is crazy to me because I used to be able to have a few without feeling anything... not that it's something to be proud of but since I've stopped drinking I've noticed how much a little bit can effect me.

Saturday I had a friend over for brunch and we sat and chatted and just enjoyed the morning.  I then started to watch the Bruins game.  My husband came home from work and we headed to a local sports bar to watch the rest of the game and enjoy some beers.  It was a great time doing what we used to do so often.  It felt like us again.  I mean, our relationship is great and continues to get stronger each day but it was nice to remember how we used to live before IF started to rule our world.

Sunday morning we met up with my parents for breakfast before they headed out of state for the week.  It was a great visit.  I then spent the rest of the day in front of the fire reading my book, watching football and playing on my phone.  Ohhh and I got to take a nap! :-)

So I had a weekend where I felt "normal" again and I didn't spend much time thinking about IF... what a relief!

Yesterday I started up yoga again and it felt amazing.  My mind has been going non stop lately. Bouncing here and there and I really feel like I've developed ADD or something.  I was so happy that my mind could quite quickly because I enjoyed the focus and relaxation.

I also met with my counselor later on in the night and we chatted about the IUI and how I felt about it being unsuccessful.  I found myself crying again when I was talking about running and how much I love it.  I started talking about the fact that I was upset because I couldn't make any running goals and select the races I would  do because I don't know what is going to happen in the next few months and what we'll be doing.  If it is an IVF cycle I can't run during that. 

I am struggling with living my life the way I want to and the way I should vs living my life with the reality that we are struggling with fertility and that adjustments need to be made.  It has been very hard for me to work through that.  I am such an all or nothing kind of person.   Anyway, It was a relief to become aware of those feelings and talk it out with someone is there to ask me questions and force me to dig deeper.

Getting back to Me

This week I've had some moments of clarity.  Moments where I am remembering how I used to be and feel -happy, light and free.  I've finally realized that I need to live my life again.  During the past few months I've made so many changes to my habits because I thought it would bring me closer to getting our baby, and while I know some of the habits I've changed have been good, there are some that just pushed me too far, like not running.

I've posted a few times about how much I love running and how it clears my mind of work and the IF stuff.  Well, I stopped running two months ago because my RE said I needed to gain about 10 pounds. My metabolism is crazy fast and I already eat so frequently that trying to gain 10 pounds and continue running 12-15 miles a week was going to to mean I basically needed to walk around with a feed bag strapped to my face.  I wanted to gain the weight .  Plus, I felt like everywhere I read online many people said that you should stop running while TTC and switch to something easier on your body... so I moved to yoga, because you know how it is when you've been trying for a long time- you're willing to do just about anything!  While I love how relaxing yoga was for me because I was able to practice shutting my mind off, it just isn't the same as a run.

I need to get back to happy and maybe that, in the end, will help me get pregnant...? pfft, I don't know.  I do know that my run today was amazing. I was able to run the full 3.2 miles without stopping and I kept a pretty good time.  I was only about 20 seconds over my mile pace but I am over the moon happy about that because I was prepping myself  to be ready to have to stop and start several times. I feel energized, happy, and ready to get out of this rut. 

Of course, I know that I could fall back in a rut at any time.  That is how it goes with this IF journey.  You have a few good days and a few really sad/bad days.  However, if I can have a month and a half where I start to feel like myself again then maybe it will give me the strength I need to move on in this journey.

Bringing Sexy Back

It is no secret that while dealing with IF stuff your sex life (the one thing you thought would be fun when trying to bring a baby into the world) goes down the drain.  Getting jiggy with it is based on ovulation sticks and cervical fluid or the night of your trigger shot.  I don't know about you... but for us the whole spontaneous I-can't-keep-my-hands-off-of-you passion has fizzled from our bedroom and become a memory.  Last cycle I felt so gross while being on the injections and then the progesterone.  I was so bloated and felt like a whale, there was no way I was in the mood for anything besides hopping into my yoga pants the second I entered the door after work.

Now that we have this month "off" I plan to get back in action.  I posted yesterday that I missed running and I decided that I will go a few times a week until it's time for our next medicated cycle..  My first run since Nov 6 will be this Thursday. I. Can't. Wait.  This will be great because it will help me feel like I'm getting my body back.  I still feel a tad bloated from AF so I am hoping I can run off something- or at least I can trick my mind into thinking so.

Over the weekend I was at the mall enjoying some retail therapy while spending gift cards and well beyond that- that's a story for another day- but I ventured into Victoria's Secret and ended up spending 160 bucks on new underwear and a sexy little something! Yikes!  I told my husband two nights ago that this weekend I plan on laying out all of the sexy little somethings I have from over the years and letting him choose a few he wants me to wear because not only does that help me feel sexy but it brings me back to the days where I would slip on something because it felt adventurous-fun and an act of love.  Back in the day when sex was something we did because it felt good and we could be together in a way that was so special and not simply because it was an end to a means-baby.

I am ready for a week of new underwear and some fun sex because it's been far too long....

And that, my friends, is how I plan on bringing sexy back.

The last of the 30 Day Challenge

Visit Pink Lipgloss and Prenatals to see the complete list!

Day 28 - What do you use the “nursery” for right now? If you already had a baby, what did you use it for before pregnancy?

Currently the second bedroom has become a dumping ground for junk that needs to go in the attic as the attic door is in the closet of this room.  It used to be our office until we finished off the basement and moved the office down there.  Then it became my sewing room until I decided that I didn't want to sew anymore and it quickly morphed into the room that I want to keep the door closed to because I can't stand the mess!

Day 29 - If you had known that you would have trouble conceiving, what would you have done differently in life? If you already knew, did that knowledge affect your other life choices?

This one is hard. On the one hand I would like to say that we would have started trying sooner instead of me going to grad school, but I don't want to dismiss my degree and the wonderful things I learned during that time.  I always wanted to be a younger mom and that isn't going to be that way anymore. So if anything I would just want to get back to being the women who had three before 33. Not sure WHY I had that idea in my mind for so long... but I just did.

Day 30 -Tell us about a friendship you lost or a relationship that changed for the worse because of infertility.

I feel like several of my relationships have changed during this time of dealing with infertility.  I definitely keep to myself more and I don't share my feelings about this journey-rather just the process of our cycle.  I feel like people tip toe around me sometimes and that pisses me off... but it is what it is and I can't focus on it because it isn't about them anymore- it's become about me and my husband and that is where I need to focus my positive energy!