Losing Hope

I'm losing hope and here is why:

I've been really tired this week but I am pretty sure it has more to do with the fact that I had been trying to teach entertain 9 year olds who were beyond excited about the upcoming holiday than the fact that I could be pregnant.  I could also be really tired because I've gone to bed late this week trying to get some things done for Christmas because there just doesn't seem to be enough time after work. 

I continue to be bloated but that is about it.  The heartburn is here or there and so is the cramping but nothing enough to make me really consider that the outcome of this IUI is exactly what we want it to be.

I've been charting my temps this cycle, which I haven't done in months and I remember why... I start to stress about the numbers.  Yesterday my temp went down and today there was bigger dip... which leads me to believe that tomorrow I'll get even more of a dip and then AF will start up naturally despite being on progesterone suppositories twice daily.

I also can't get out of my mind the pain I woke up to 2 nights ago.  It was on my right side, it felt like it was where my ovary would be.  It was sharp and then dull and painful for about 20 minutes.  Yesterday I felt tenderness on the entire ride side of my abdomen.  No idea what that is all about.

I started this cycle with extreme hope and positivity.  I felt good about everything working in such a way.  This morning after I temped my mind went to place of fear and worry and I started thinking about what we would do next if this cycle didn't work in our favor.

I asked Santa last year for a baby and he didn't bring me one.  I didn't think it would be so much to ask for one again this year... but maybe it was.

Now I have to go off and act all happy and holiday-ish when all I want to do is snuggle up on the couch and watch a movie.  IF sucks and so does the 2 ww!

Hello Bloated Stomach!

I can't even find the words to describe to you how bloated I feel.  It's like someone pumped me up with air and then rain away laughing while I sit here feeling like a huge balloon.  I have to unbutton my pants when I sit down lest I explode!  I get home and run to the bedroom so I can put on some comfy sweats!  I wonder what this is from... the shots left over from last week? The progesterone I'm on twice daily?  I'm not sure but blah, it's so uncomfortable.

I'm 6dpiui and I'm actually charting my temps this cycle.  I haven't temped in quite awhile.  I don't know what made me want to start... but I'm doing it again and of course I'm analyzing every dip or rise. Gah! This is exactly why I stopped!  Why do I do this to myself?

Tomorrow I have acupuncture and my sister flies home Wednesday night which means I'll have a great distraction until Dec 27!

19

19 Cycles? Really?  ugh. I hate that.

I'm ready to move on and husband is not quite there yet. He is so worried about finances, and while I appreciate that, I just want to move on.

Emotional Roller-coaster

The two week wait sucks. End of story.

Your mind plays tricks on you to get it to think that you are indeed pregnant.

Other times you don't even think about it and that worries you because you think "oh, I am definitely not pregnant if I don't feel anything"

My chart this month is a hot mess.  It is UP and DOWN and leveled out and then up again, which then gives me hope and then the next day it drops and this morning it dropped again and I started to cramp and get some spotting.

My period is coming.

I just know it.

And, I'm pissed off about it.

I don't want to have the laprascopic surgery, I don't want to have be doing this.

I don't get WHY this is happening to us.

I don't know what we did to deserve this and I really cannot figure out what we are supposed to be learning through this journey.

I am TIRED of people telling me it will happen.  Hate to break it to you people... It ISN'T happening!

I had a good cry tonight.  The kind where you can breathe and your face turns as red as a tomato.  It felt good but I know there is more in there because I hardly ever cry over this stuff.

I'm ready to get off this roller-coaster and settle into being a pregnant woman.

I'm ready to start a family and I am ready to be a mom.

Fate will find a way.

That was what my fortune cookie says.  Fate will find a way.  How appropriate for where we are.  We officially entered the 11th cycle.  Since my cycles are short we have had more cycles and we have had months since we started trying.

Last weekend we were out and about and we stopped at Borders Bookstore since it was having a closing clearance.  I bought a few pregnancy books that I had seen several times at other stores because I just couldn't help myself.  When I was flipping through one of the books I just started crying.  I couldn't help it. I had just imagined what it would be like to get two lines on the pregnancy test and what that would even feel like.  We were also in the waiting period so I had some high hopes that THIS WOULD FINALLY BE IT.

Then.... my temp dropped majorly and I knew we were out.

I don't know what to say about it anymore. I mean, what is left to say? It just isn't happening and I don't know why and we don't know what to do and we can't seem to figure it out.  I definitely feel like a different person.  I can't say exactly how I've changed, but I can feel it.  I feel cheated and betrayed and hurt by my body, by science, by God.

 I just wish I knew what we did to deserve this.  What is the reason why we are being tested? Why is it taking this long? What is waiting for us?

Waiting....

Tears came to my eyes as I saw my chart the other day.  JT and I have been in a funk, both been super busy, and not in the mood to get it on... it is hard to have this added pressure of making a baby. During the time that I am fertile it no longer feel like something romantic but rather a business transaction.  I am pretty sure I've mentioned that before on here.  It is so hard to keep things light and fun and spontaneous these days.  I thought we'd be OUT for sure this month because I typically ovulate on Day 15... but my body decided to ovulate on a day that we got frisky.  So, tears came to my eyes when I saw that we still had a chance this month. 

I started the progesterone as soon as it came up on my chart that I ovulated on Day 13.  It is messy and annoying, but I'll do whatever I can to help us to achieve our baby.

A visit to the Dr.

The results for my blood work taken on Day 3 of my cycle came back normal.  This is good news!

I went this morning to get blood work done again, this time to check my progesterone levels.  There has been question about this hormone in my body before.  I am anxious to hear the results about that.

After I got my blood work done I went to my OB's office.  I had an internal ultrasound of my uterus to check the lining and the ovaries.  Turns out I have a simple (clear) cyst on my right ovary.  This ovary is where all of my past cysts have been found.  This cyst measures 3 by 3 cms.  It is leaking fluid.  I don't know exactly what that means.  I mean, the doctor told me but I forgot exactly what she said.  There was so much discussed this morning it is hard to keep it straight.

I was also told that my uterus has a slightly odd shape... in that instead of going pretty straight across the top, mine dips down a bit.  On top of that I have a tilted uterus.  These two things could go against me in trying to conceive.

Another thing we discussed was possible endometriosis, which is when the blood that grows in your uterus begins to grow outside the uterus causing build up and scaring because the tissue has no where to go.  We won't discuss further diagnosis of this until we get the results back from the blood work I had today.

It is a lot to think about. A lot to take in, and a lot of questioning has happened this morning.  I just don't know WHY this is happening. I want a family so badly. I want a baby. I want experience a child growing inside me.  Why can't that happen easily?

Here is my chart for this month.  What I do is take my temperature every morning at the same time before I get out of bed.  I then chart the temperature on this graph.  I keep track of my period and vaginal discharge as well.  The green is when I am most fertile.  DPO= Days Past Ovulation.  The line going up the middle of the chart indicates what day I ovulated on, which is determined by a temperature shift.

My mind is flying a million miles an hour

Throughout this trying to have a baby process I have been charting my morning temperature. This allows me to know exactly when I ovulate, as well as, if pregnancy has taken place afterward. Anyway, yesterday morning my temp went down another degree instead of going up a few degrees, like I had hoped.  My heart dropped and my mind started flying.....

Thinking about friends who have talked about getting pregnant and wanting to start trying around this time and questioning how I would feel when one of them told me they were expecting if we were still trying.  I started to get mad about the whole process.

People say it is a "special time" -this whole trying to have a baby thing- and of course it is, but I am not sure I can feel that way any more because it is taking longer than I ever expected or hoped it would.  Yes, this is only our third time waiting, but three months is a long time. I realize people go through this for years upon years, and bless them, because I don't know how they do it. I am pretty sure if this goes on for a year I WILL go crazy.

And then this morning I saw that a friend of mine had announced that she was pregnant. I felt so happy for her but right away felt my stomach do a few flips.

I hate how this is making me feel.