What a relief

This past weekend was wonderful.  Simply wonderful.  It started off with happy hour with some work friends.  Early in the work day I felt so completely exhausted that I contemplated bailing out and heading straight home for the couch but in the end I knew I wanted, and should go.  I had a blast! We laughed and chatted and I got buzzed off a sangria and a beer.... which is crazy to me because I used to be able to have a few without feeling anything... not that it's something to be proud of but since I've stopped drinking I've noticed how much a little bit can effect me.

Saturday I had a friend over for brunch and we sat and chatted and just enjoyed the morning.  I then started to watch the Bruins game.  My husband came home from work and we headed to a local sports bar to watch the rest of the game and enjoy some beers.  It was a great time doing what we used to do so often.  It felt like us again.  I mean, our relationship is great and continues to get stronger each day but it was nice to remember how we used to live before IF started to rule our world.

Sunday morning we met up with my parents for breakfast before they headed out of state for the week.  It was a great visit.  I then spent the rest of the day in front of the fire reading my book, watching football and playing on my phone.  Ohhh and I got to take a nap! :-)

So I had a weekend where I felt "normal" again and I didn't spend much time thinking about IF... what a relief!

Yesterday I started up yoga again and it felt amazing.  My mind has been going non stop lately. Bouncing here and there and I really feel like I've developed ADD or something.  I was so happy that my mind could quite quickly because I enjoyed the focus and relaxation.

I also met with my counselor later on in the night and we chatted about the IUI and how I felt about it being unsuccessful.  I found myself crying again when I was talking about running and how much I love it.  I started talking about the fact that I was upset because I couldn't make any running goals and select the races I would  do because I don't know what is going to happen in the next few months and what we'll be doing.  If it is an IVF cycle I can't run during that. 

I am struggling with living my life the way I want to and the way I should vs living my life with the reality that we are struggling with fertility and that adjustments need to be made.  It has been very hard for me to work through that.  I am such an all or nothing kind of person.   Anyway, It was a relief to become aware of those feelings and talk it out with someone is there to ask me questions and force me to dig deeper.

Getting back to Me

This week I've had some moments of clarity.  Moments where I am remembering how I used to be and feel -happy, light and free.  I've finally realized that I need to live my life again.  During the past few months I've made so many changes to my habits because I thought it would bring me closer to getting our baby, and while I know some of the habits I've changed have been good, there are some that just pushed me too far, like not running.

I've posted a few times about how much I love running and how it clears my mind of work and the IF stuff.  Well, I stopped running two months ago because my RE said I needed to gain about 10 pounds. My metabolism is crazy fast and I already eat so frequently that trying to gain 10 pounds and continue running 12-15 miles a week was going to to mean I basically needed to walk around with a feed bag strapped to my face.  I wanted to gain the weight .  Plus, I felt like everywhere I read online many people said that you should stop running while TTC and switch to something easier on your body... so I moved to yoga, because you know how it is when you've been trying for a long time- you're willing to do just about anything!  While I love how relaxing yoga was for me because I was able to practice shutting my mind off, it just isn't the same as a run.

I need to get back to happy and maybe that, in the end, will help me get pregnant...? pfft, I don't know.  I do know that my run today was amazing. I was able to run the full 3.2 miles without stopping and I kept a pretty good time.  I was only about 20 seconds over my mile pace but I am over the moon happy about that because I was prepping myself  to be ready to have to stop and start several times. I feel energized, happy, and ready to get out of this rut. 

Of course, I know that I could fall back in a rut at any time.  That is how it goes with this IF journey.  You have a few good days and a few really sad/bad days.  However, if I can have a month and a half where I start to feel like myself again then maybe it will give me the strength I need to move on in this journey.

Restless

New Years Eve was perfect.  JT and I stayed home and watched 3 movies (Friends with Benefits, The Mechanic, Horrible Bosses) ate pizza, drank beer and wine and relaxed by the fire.  We typically get together with the same group of friends every year and within the first week of Dec I had talked to JT about saying home this year for NYE because of the timing of our IUI I couldn't decide how I would feel about going on on NYE.  We definitely made the right decision.  I can't say that my friend fully understood why we would stay home and not be with them, but she said she respected our decision. Regardless, we did what was right for us and for that I am thankful!

Yesterday we cleaned up the mess that was our house.  All of the Christmas decorations along with our tree have been taken down and put away.  It is amazing how big our house feels now without all that stuff!  Other than that we didn't do much! I stayed in my PJs all day-without showering- and felt pretty restless.  I tried reading, playing on the internet, watching TV or playing a game and I couldn't sustain any of those activities for longer than 30 minutes. I've also been tossing and turning at night while I should be sleeping.  I'm feeling so restless and I don't know what to do.  I've been considering going for a few runs this month until we start up a new medicated cycle.  I miss running so much. 

I am waiting for yoga to start up again- I take a class at work because it is free and we finished up a session before Christmas and new session should start up soon.  I had to stop acupuncture because it was getting pricy for us.  With no ins. coverage it's 300 bucks a month and that is a lot of money.

I am actually looking forward to going back to work tomorrow simply because I need the routine. I need to be busy again and pass time more quickly.

Dear Running, I miss you.

I need to run.
I need to run but I can't.
It's not that I am injured or that I physically can't... but emotionally, I shouldn't run.  It's been 19 days since my last run.  You see I'm addicted to running.  I love to run. I need to run for sanity, peace, and just to prove to myself that my body still works....

I ran my last race on Nov 6 and haven't run since.  I need to let my body "fatten" up and with three 6 mile runs a week I wasn't able to put on the weight that my RE wants to me.  I need to stop running to see if it helps with this IF stuff because if I continue running and we continue to get BFPs I'll never know if the running was effecting anything in the slightest form.

I'm desperate you see, to try anything, to see if any small change will make a difference.  Unfortunately, this is a huge sacrifice for me and it's breaking my heart but I have to give it up or I won't ever forgive myself.  I can't even go for one small run because I'll remember how amazing it feels and I'll want to run more and run longer and run harder.  I told  you... I'm addicted.

I know I WILL run again.  I am after-all a runner in my heart. For now, I'm just a runner on a break who is looking forward to logging miles in the future and running her first half-marathon because when I get back in action I plan to go BIG!