Last Post Here... Come visit my other blog...

Hi Friends,

I didn't think it would be this difficult to keep up with this blog after we finally got our little miracle second pink line.  I thought it would be simple.  It turns out it's not.  Like most people I have a lot going on and I have a ton of online social media I've been trying to keep up with.  Personal blog and twitter, IF blog and tiw.tter, my photography blog and face.book... It turns out I'm not so good at managing it anymore. While I posted here on my IF blog I wasn't posting so much on my personal blog.  Now I'm posting more over there, and not so much here.  I've been trying to enjoy life and spending less and less time away from the computer or on my phone.  It's been nice, real nice.

I constantly think of you all and hope that you get the BFPs you've wished for and so deserved, but I can't keep up with this world anymore. Something has to give and unfortunately it's this place that gave me strength, support, and words of advice through the darkest days of my life.  While hard, it's time to move on and time to focus on living this new life.  I'll certainly never forget where I've been and how I got to where we are.  Never, ever. It will always be a part of me. You will always be a part of me.

I've begun to follow some of you on my other blog called {My}Perspective which you can find at myperspectiveblog dot com. I'd love to see you over there... I'll be updating about my pregnancy (currently 14 weeks) and posting pictures of different things in my world. 

I can also be found on twi.tter at nic0what. I'll be getting rid of the twi.tter account that goes with this blog.
I insta.gram, so if you do that I'm on there, too at nicowhat.

So, this is it. My last post here at Living Our Life in Cycles. I wish you all the best. <3

Hoping with my whole heart

I'm excited for our transfer tomorrow!  I'm excited to see the embryo that will move from it's apartment to the mansion I have waiting for it.  I feel like this is it. I want it to be it. I need it to work.  I get so happy when I think about about our embryos and how "gorgeous" (words out of the embryologists mouth) they look.  I'm so ready for this.

Most of the time my mind is consumed with positive, happy thoughts.  I even started looking at baby things again. ::gasp:: I haven't done that for AGES.  The positive energy we have coming our way is overwhelming and you can't help but feel hopeful and sure about this.

But then...
in the small, dark corner of my mind
I hear a voice that says "don't get too excited, you know darn well that this is not guaranteed."
I shush that voice quickly but know the truth. 

Regardless of this truth I'm choosing to live in this blissful state where I daydream what the doctor will say to me on the phone after my Beta results come in.  I feel tears well up in my eyes as I imagine crying tears of completely and utter joy and relief.

We go in tomorrow morning at 9 to transfer one beautiful embie and I hope with all my heart that this ours to keep.

Triggering tonight!

Tonight we trigger at 9:30 and we head in Saturday, March 3, for our egg retrieval. 

Omg.

No more Lup.ron (thank goodness). No more Men.opur.

Omg.

I'm feeling so many things right now.  Mainly excited... but then I'm in disbelief that we're here.  It seems like so long ago, yet like yesterday at the same time, that we sat with our RE and discussed IVF. We're actually doing this!

Omg.

This is happening. We may get our baby soon!

Did I mention that 3 is my favorite/lucky number???

ER on 3.3.12.

Eeeek!

Unmotivated but Excited...

I've been feeling super lazy lately. I don't have the motivation to do much these days. I come home from work completely wiped out from the class that I have this year! I can't even muster up the energy to go on the internet and visit my favorite sites.  I'm feeling tired and just plain blah.

However, I am getting excited about our upcoming IVF! We got the call today about our meds, and while we don't need to start them for another 2 weeks I'd rather have them here in time instead of worrying if they'll get here on time.  $1200 later we were told they would be on their way this Wednesday.

Today I found myself thinking about baby names and saying "our baby" to myself while at work.  I feel like so much of the disappointment we experience month after month has pushed back the thinking I used to do about us a family when we have kids.  I used to think about what we'd do and how I'd like to plan our weekly activities.  I thought about baby names and nursery decor and somewhere along the line of this journey I haven't let myself do much thinking about all of this.  I wonder if that makes my body think I want this any less.... I don't even know that makes sense or if it is possible for your body to react to what you think.

I've thought about how to describe this horrible thing we're going through to people who don't know IRL that we're going through IF.  I can't seem to figure out a way to explain the true pain, the desire. and the fear that comes with every single day of this.  I can't find a way to put it together in one solid paragraph, rather it comes out in pages that could make up a book.  I know that some people will never try to understand or just won't be able to grasp the emotional toll that this can take on a couple, but it doesn't change the fact that I want to try with all my being to get the message across

The Biggest Check I've Ever Written

Last night we filled out and signed the necessary paperwork to mail into to our RE office in order to be ready for our first IUI cycle.  I also wrote the biggest check I've ever written in my life... two thousand dollars.  That is just for the procedure, we'll have to pay an additional cost for meds- another thousand, I'm sure.

It hit me again that we're doing this.  We're actually doing this! I can't wait! I also can't get out of my mind how this was not at all how I imagined conceiving our first child... but I'll take it.

We have a plan!!!

I feel hopeful, excited, and happy about where we are going, for the first time, in a long time!  Our meeting with our RE yesterday went well.  It was kind of rushed, or so it felt because for whatever reason they schedule appointments back to back.  Maybe I just wanted more than 45 minutes to really sit and make sure we were making the right decision. I don't know.  However, our doctor listened to us, explained things so we could understand it and let us make the final choice and before we knew it we were sitting with a nurse to go over the protocol for an IUI!

Yup, my friends.  We'll be starting our first IUI cycle as soon as AF shows up... which should be shortly after Thanksgiving. :-)

I'm nervous, but can't stop smiling because we're moving forward.  Now, I do realize that it is not 100% ... nor is it even 50% guaranteed to work, but right now I am pushing that thought to the way back of my mind because I need to be positive.  I need to let my yoga, counseling, and acupuncture state of mind take over to carry me through the next month.

I am worried about what the FSH shots will do to me... in terms of my mood.  When I was on the pill I was crazy moody! I already told JT that I apologize for anything I will say or do during that week of shots!

Since we are out of pocket I am going to be keeping track of what we spend on a tab up top because I want to make sure that people who don't go through this stupid IF stuff realize that not only is it mentally and emotionally draining but finances play a huge role in it as well.

Ch-ch-changes

Lots has been going on over the past week or so.

I started taking a yoga class on Mondays after work.  It is right down the street and the best part is, it is free as my insurance will cover it! I really enjoyed my first class.  I've tried yoga before but I couldn't settle my mind and I just wanted to be active in a different way.  Since I'm a runner and need to change my activity to a different kind of workout and I found yoga to be extremely peaceful and a great way to start the week!

Yesterday I had my first acupuncture appointment.  It was interesting...  in a good way.  After our consult and discussing our infertility history and endometriosis he asked what day of the cycle I was on and moved on accordingly.  I had needles in my lower back, ankles and my left wrist.  I enjoyed the relax time that followed.  My guy recommended some different, more natural prenatal vitamins.

Tomorrow night I have my first counseling session.  I found the women off of the Resolve.org website and she is covered under my insurance so that makes it even better.  I am anxious to sit and talk with her. I hope we connect and I hope I can really relieve some weight off my shoulders by talking to her.

See what I mean? Changes!  All wonderful, good changes!

We meet with our RE this Weds to determine how we'd like to move forward... I'm hoping to have a great plan laid out so that we can move closer to having our baby!

Oh... I also made a page on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/LivingOurLifeInCycles  and joined twitter for my blog: @OurLifeInCycles!

Waiting for it to begin

We are into cycle 17.

Seventeen.

It sounds so weird when I say it out loud or type out the number.

Waiting is such a huge part of this whole trying to have a baby thing.... I get tired of doing it, but there is no choice in the matter.

We are waiting to get to the part of the cycle when we can try.  I have hope that maybe, just maybe, things will work now that my endometriosis has been cleared out and the adhesion have been removed from my fallopian tube.

I'm sure I know how it will end, but I'd rather stay positive and imagine what it would be like to pee on a stick and actually have the second line show up.  So for now, that is the thought I'll keep in my head as we wait for the smiley face to show up on the OPK and try, yet again, to make a baby of our own.

sooo... yeah.

Not kidding when I say that after I wrote that last post I went upstairs and saw the pregnancy test I took and I swear there was a faint line. It was really strange! I started to get kind of excited, but not too excited, because I just didn't think this could be real.

Well, it wasn't real.  A few hours later AF came and that was the end of that.  I was surprised that it didn't bother me all that much.  I would have thought that after seeing a potential line that I would be even more upset about the fact that AF had rained on my parade.... but it didn't.

Cycle 15- here we are.

I have this hope and this belief that it will happen this summer.  It is something I can just feel and maybe it's because I want this so bad, or maybe it is because it is finally time.  I'm not sure which, and I don't really care, but I just know it is going to happen.  We will be parents. We will have our baby. I will be pregnant.

Walking around with hope and belief is hard to do day in and day out. Some days are easier than others.  I would be lying if I said I never thought about it.  It crosses my mind every.single.day.  Every day.

I hope the next few weeks goes ok because I have a few friends and people I know that will be having their babies.... that always makes me think about the fact that if I had my way, we'd have our little burrito already and he/she would be a few months old.  However, we learned real quick that plans don't work out the way you think they might.

Giant pads are not sexy

Since I've been on this vaginal Progesterone suppository I've ruined a good number of my underwear... some old some brand new.  I've tried using panty liners to block the waxy, greasy substance but that just wasn't working so I had to turn to the thin, overnight, extra long pads.  Now, this may be TMI, but I don't care, I'm not that private of a person anyway, I hate pads and never wear them.  The panty liner is the closest I get to a pad.... but in order to save some money on the underwear front I've decided to spend the money on these uber sexy pads.

JT and I see the doctor on Friday. I am anxious to see what she says and what our next steps will be.  Well, I am sure I know what they will be, but I am eager to get the ball rolling and to get a move on so I can have a baby in my belly.

I have to admit I have a good feeling about things turning around for us. I can't describe it, but I just have this feeling that things are going to work out for us soon and I can't tell you how happy that makes me.

A Dream.

JT told me today that he had a dream that I was pregnant and we were having a boy.

I smiled so big when he said that.