Playing catch up!

This week has been just so crazy. I haven't had time to read about what is going on with you ladies on blogs or on twitter. I feel out of the loop.  This week I was sick with this annoying head cold which is still not completely gone from my body. 

Sunday I was sneezing my face off, which was crazy annoying, but was a clue to me that something was coming because I hardly ever sneeze like that.  Monday morning I woke up feeling tired but that is how I typically wake up so I thought nothing of it.  By 10 am I felt like a bag of crap.... I contemplated canceling my tutoring session but knew I wouldn't feel like making it up later on in the week so I went.  I did, however, cancel my counseling session which I needed so badly to go to, but I was so tired and my head weighed what felt like 100 pounds. I just wanted to go to bed. It was all I could to do stay awake. I got home around 5:20 and plopped right on the couch. I was in bed by 8pm that night.  This feeling like crap thing continued into Tuesday and I was in bed and sleeping by 8pm that night as well.  Wednesday I felt a bit better but my mom came over for dinner and a movie so there was no way I was going to catch up on things... and here are on Friday. I'm finally on vacation from work (we have a February break here in New England). 

I don't think I've written about the fact that I have given myself a few injections, which is a huge deal! I am so worried that I'll faint (I'm a weirdo and faint with weird things) and I know it worries my husband as well, so I never tried to inject myself... I had no choice but to give myself an injection because my husband had to be at work much earlier than my scheduled Lup.ron shot.  Since last Saturday I've given myself  3 injections. Today I actually did it standing up, instead of sitting down! Yay!

Last week they told me that I would go in for monitoring either on CD 1 or Wednesday... and Wednesday it was because CD 1 didn't show up until yesterday.  I got a call from the nurse telling me to start Gonal.F and do 150 units which is much more than the 37.5 units I had with the IUI.  They also wanted me to go down from 10 units to 5 for Lup.ron.  I go in tomorrow for blood work and we'll see where we go from there. Right now the estimated date for my ER is March 4 or 5th.

Yesterday I got the worst cramps and back ache, I knew what was coming... AF.  She showed up but in a light fashion.  I have read that women on Lup.ron get a shorter, lighter period so I was hoping that would be the case for me... well today, I am in still in so much pain with the cramps and back ache and I've had the heaviest flow that I can ever remember. I've had clotting and everything else has been bright red. I've had to use so many tampons and pads for extra protection. It's annoying!

I'm off to get caught up on my blog reading. Happy Weekend Friends!

Letting Go

First off I have to tell you that today is CD1 and that I go in for my baseline blood work and ultrasound on Feb. 13! Yay!

This afternoon I had my weekly yoga class and the instructor started off the class talking about letting go of what is holding us back, letting go of what we can't control and opening up to the possibilities.  She then read a poem and I wanted to cry.  I wanted to let the tears flow, but I am not a quiet, pretty crier. You see I am a messy face, loud crier and I did not want to disrupt the class or cause alarm so I kept my tears inside.

As we moved from pose to pose she gave us the permission to let go and with each breathe I got rid of my frustrations with IF. I exhaled the frustration, the pain, the confusion, the sadness, the anger, the questions that surround this whole journey.  I tried to let go of the control that I've been trying to hold on to in this completely out-of-my-hands situation.  I started to let go and I plan to continue to work on that.

Letting go of control has been the biggest lesson in all of this.  As a Type A personality and someone who likes organization and planning dealing with IF has caused me to lose more sleep than I care to admit.

As we head to our first IVF in a few weeks I am working on surrendering to this process.  I can only do so much and need to let my body do the rest... but that is where I get stuck.  

How can I learn to trust my body again when it has just let me down time and time again? 

A date with the dildo cam..

Yes, you know what I'm talking about!

There is no better way to start your Friday morning than a date with the dildo cam on DAY 2 of your cycle.... (yeaah, okaaay! I can think of a million other ways I'd rather start my day.)  This was the first time I had a date with the wand while AF was flowing.  I was worried about getting blood everywhere but I did some reading on the 3T board (which is awesome by the way!) and found that some women wear their tampons up until their meeting with that internal ultrasound probe and then put one back in when done.  So, that is what I did.

I then had blood work done and I was on my way to work.  It was an early morning for me, but I suppose I should get used that since that is how this month is going to be for me.

A nurse called me at work to tell me to start my injections Sunday night and then to go in for blood work Wednesday morning.  I'm getting nervous about the injections.  She told me to do them between 6 and 8 pm.  If you have any great tips I'd love to hear them!

I am off to spend the day with some girlfriends doing some shopping, and then hitting up the spa and enjoying dinner.  I am happy to have this day of fun before things begin.

Never been happier to see AF

The last time I remember being happy to see AF may have possibly been in high school after a condom broke and looking back on that now I probably had NO reason to worry.  I didn't know then what I know now about the 20% chance and the small window you have to actually conceive.

Today is CD1 and I literally smiled when I knew.  After about 7 (or probably 10) tests-all of which were stark white with no chance of a second line showing up- I finally got AF and we are on our way to start this IUI process.

I am excited. I am nervous. I am scared... but most of all, I am happy to be moving forward.  I have to go in for blood work and ultrasound tomorrow.  I thought I wouldn't have to do that until cd3, but whatever. I'll do what they tell me to do.

This morning (before AF came) my friend gave me some muffins with a card that said "Make it happen muffins <3" I think that is a sign. I'll take any sign I can that this will be a good cycle.  It's cycle number 20 for us and I'm hoping something magical happens.  It is after all the holiday season and magic is all around us this time of year!

CD 1 where are you???

The ONE time I expect you to show your face on time and you can't even do that? WTF AF?

I've been peeing on sticks since Thursday.  You should have been here on Saturday yet I keep getting beyond negative tests.  What is the deal?

You're totally messing with me and I don't find it amusing at all. I even got my tampons and pads ready for you.  Let's get this show on the road because I have a date with an IUI and you're totally messing that up for me.

Why can't my ute do anything right?

On to cycle 18 we go.

The cramps came and I knew what was happening.

Shortly after the backaches started.

I went for a run and I ran hard.

I pounded my anger into the ground.

Why?

Why us?

We do what we are supposed to do. We follow the rules at work, the laws of the world, and do as we should. We are nice people. We pay our bills on time and hold doors for people.  We apologize if we mess up.  We take our vitamins and get our rest.  We drink water and exercise.  We live our life the best we know how yet we are struggling to bring another life into our world.

I cried.

I cried hard.

Waiting for it to begin

We are into cycle 17.

Seventeen.

It sounds so weird when I say it out loud or type out the number.

Waiting is such a huge part of this whole trying to have a baby thing.... I get tired of doing it, but there is no choice in the matter.

We are waiting to get to the part of the cycle when we can try.  I have hope that maybe, just maybe, things will work now that my endometriosis has been cleared out and the adhesion have been removed from my fallopian tube.

I'm sure I know how it will end, but I'd rather stay positive and imagine what it would be like to pee on a stick and actually have the second line show up.  So for now, that is the thought I'll keep in my head as we wait for the smiley face to show up on the OPK and try, yet again, to make a baby of our own.

Extra Protection

I've never in my life had a flow like I did yesterday.  AF finally came Tuesday morning and it wasn't too bad, but I knew when I woke up yesterday that it would be a heavy duty flow.  Holy cow.... I went through my first tampon in the matter of about 2 hours {tmi} when I changed I also added a pad for added protection because I wouldn't be able to just run to the bathroom when I needed to.  Thank goodness for that added protection because baby, I needed it! It was like this all day long. Thankfully today was back to "normal" for me. I wonder how long AF will be this time around.

I still had some cramping but nothing compared what I typically have, so that is good. I am hoping as the cycles progress I'll notice changes from the Lap.

I am also SO tired. You would think I haven't slept in days because that is just how I feel but I've been trying to get a good amount of sleep because my job is so tiring so I would think it wouldn't be an issue, but it is.  The weather isn't helping at all. It may in fact be the reason I feel so much more tired than normal. Stupid rain.

sooo... yeah.

Not kidding when I say that after I wrote that last post I went upstairs and saw the pregnancy test I took and I swear there was a faint line. It was really strange! I started to get kind of excited, but not too excited, because I just didn't think this could be real.

Well, it wasn't real.  A few hours later AF came and that was the end of that.  I was surprised that it didn't bother me all that much.  I would have thought that after seeing a potential line that I would be even more upset about the fact that AF had rained on my parade.... but it didn't.

Cycle 15- here we are.

I have this hope and this belief that it will happen this summer.  It is something I can just feel and maybe it's because I want this so bad, or maybe it is because it is finally time.  I'm not sure which, and I don't really care, but I just know it is going to happen.  We will be parents. We will have our baby. I will be pregnant.

Walking around with hope and belief is hard to do day in and day out. Some days are easier than others.  I would be lying if I said I never thought about it.  It crosses my mind every.single.day.  Every day.

I hope the next few weeks goes ok because I have a few friends and people I know that will be having their babies.... that always makes me think about the fact that if I had my way, we'd have our little burrito already and he/she would be a few months old.  However, we learned real quick that plans don't work out the way you think they might.

AF! Where are you?

You would never hear me ask AF to show up at my door step but I've taken two pregnancy tests, days apart, have had some spotting and cramping and AF is still a no show! I just want it to come so we can move on to the next cycle! The pregnancy test I took this morning couldn't have been more negative!

I purchased some OPKs and pregnancy tests online and I am ready to use them, except, my body is messing with me! Let's get a move on to cycle 15!

Bye-Bye Cycle 11

I don't know if it is weird, sad, or denial, but I didn't mind it so much when this past cycle came to an end.  I guess I am just used to things not working for us.  I mean, we are DOING it right, it just isn't working!  I don't know what we can do differently.

I haven't charted my temp for a long while it while it felt great it was also weird toward the end, where I would look for a temp to tell me good or bad things.  It sure has been a nice break.

I am currently wearing a red, braided, thread bracelet that another blogger made for a bunch of women who are struggling to get pregnant right now.  I love feeling connected to women going through the same thing, even if I don't know them.

We will try this one more time before I make another call to the doctor to get JT tested and to get a move on with things.

I really cannot believe it has been just about year since we started on this journey.  I am thankful that it has been a quick year, though painful, it's gone by quick.  I've come to this peaceful feeling in this whole mess. I feel like there is something I am supposed to do before we have a child. I don't know what that is, or when or if  I'll know "aha, this is it!".  Maybe that is just the hope I am holding on to right now.  Either way, I'll take it.

The 6th Cycle.

It has officially been six months since we started trying. 6 months. 6. I can't believe it.

When cycle number 5 ended it hit me hard. I was in a foul mood that day and it lasted pretty well into the work week.  I really, truly felt like I was pregnant. I felt different, my body was different, and my temps were staying up.  The temp part hasn't ever happened before and that made me feel like this was it, for sure.  I even took a pregnancy test, which of course came up negative, but I put it off as testing too early.  Then, it wasn't it for sure.

I don't want to think about the fact that this could go on for another 6 months. I don't want to think about the fact that I was hoping to have a bit of a baby bump by this time of the year. Or that I had secretly been saving up my sick days for maternity leave, which will now go to waste because I desperately want this year to be my last year teaching. 

My stomach turns when I log into Facebook and I see a dozen women and their baby bump photos.  I hate reading blog posts where people post their ultrasound photo or update their readers on their progress.  I used to love them. I used to daydream about posting my own things that were pregnancy related because I'd be so excited to share and document the whole event.  I will document them, just in a more private fashion because of knowing what I know now: waiting sucks.

I want to cry about all of this but I haven't yet.  The tears are there. I can feel them every now and again. Like this very moment, they are sitting on the brim of my eyelid but I won't blink so they can't fall.  I am not ready to let tears fall yet. I don't think I can let myself feel sad yet because I know of other couples who have tried for a year.  If we get closer to a year, then I'll  let myself cry about it.

If I hear one more "It will happen" or "Don't think about it and it will happen" or "Next month..." I think I just might scream bloody murder.  This is why I don't want to talk about this situation with anyone. If they haven't been through something like this they really don't know what to say or what it feels like or what I am thinking about.  So, I keep it to myself, until now, where I think I'll need to write it out now and again.

Hopefully next time I'll be writing with great news.

Cycle #4

Another friend of mine is pregnant.

Man this is hard to take.

Don't get me wrong... I am SO happy for them and can't wait for her to expand her family but it is just another reminder that we are not expecting and I don't know how close we are.

Not so lucky # 3

On Monday we officially moved into cycle number 4.

On Monday I was really bummed out but today I am feeling ok about it. I just have to remind myself that when the timing is right it WILL happen.  I can't stress out about something I have NO control over.

I just worry how I'll do with all of these people coming out and saying that they are pregnant. It is that time of year.