Ever since C turned 2 I am getting asked on a consistent basis about when we'll have another one. Only a few have really come out and asked that question while most people tip toe around it without coming right out and saying it. They say things like "Oh he'll make a great big brother..." Or "Almost time for another!" and I think they want me to tell them when it's going to happen. I don't. I won't.
The truth is: I don't know when it will happen. Honestly, I don't know if it will happen. I'm not in any rush just yet. Despite the fact that I would love to give C a sibling in the near future, we're not ready. Our house has gotten smaller somehow. The thought of another human living here makes me squirm. We also haven't mastered sleeping through the night so I feel like a newborn would make sure that none of us ever get sleep. My husband isn't ready and I'm not ready for him to resent me for the rest of our lives.
The biggest worry for me is is that we would do a FET and what if that doesn't work? What if they don't thaw well? What if the one we transfer doesn't take? That's it folks. I don't know how we'd afford a fresh IVF cycle considering the fact that we are still paying off the first one.
I'm terrified of the irony that could exist. Us not being ready for a second child and then when we are ready it not even being an option for us. The world is cruel sometimes. I'm not ready to find out what is in store for us.
I wish I could be excited at the thought of getting pregnant again. Being pregnant again- yes. I'd love to be pregnant again. I loved every second of it, even when I thought my vagina bone was going to break. However, getting pregnant. That's a whole different ball game. I'm just scared and I think about it every single day.
Showing posts with label waiting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label waiting. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 30, 2014
Monday, March 12, 2012
Reality Sets In
I had a really hard time going back to work today. Like, a really hard time. I was angry and couldn't stop saying how much I hated it there and swearing at the fact that I couldn't be home on the couch. You would think that after 7 days of being couch bound one would be ready to head out into the world... but that wasn't the case for me.
I annoyed because my job causes so much stress and I'm pretty much over being a teacher. I just need a break. I have been saying it for years but for one reason or another I need to keep my job because at the time it was too risky to try and find something else. Having 2 weeks off (the first was our district vacation- here in New England we have a Feb vaca for skiing and an April vaca for fun?) was so relaxing and nice. I was really able to just let go and not worry about what parent I needed to call, what form needed to be turned into the office, what pile of papers I needed to correct next and what children needed talking to for one reason or another. Teaching is a big job and having time away from that was fabulous.
The biggest reason why I was so bummed about going to work today was because it meant that I was going to back to reality... getting back to the grind and the daily routines of life. We had for 2 weeks-during the tail end of stims, the trigger shot, the ER bed rest and then the ET followed by more bed rest- where we were doing something huge to try and bring a baby into our lives. Unless you're going through it you have no idea what that is like. The emotional part and the physical part are not something you can prepare for. The financial part sucks and it pulls the strings tighter on the wallet, but once you set a budget you can prepare for that. The rest you can't. I felt like getting back to reality was like the time we spent together,working for our baby, never existed. Everyone was still going on with their lives and had no idea what we had just been working through together.
I felt this way when we got back from our honeymoon 3 and half years ago. We were so happy in our newlywed honeymoon bubble that coming back home-while nice- was so strange. How were we supposed to go from the most amazing 10 days of our lives back to work and back to the mundane things in life? I'm trying to figure out how to go from the hopeful, stress free, relaxed couple that spend time day dreaming about our baby snuggling up in my uterus to the teacher, doing her job and pretending like she wants to be there. I don't want to be there and while it is a nice distraction to me pondering if what I notice my body going through is because of the hormones I'm on or because maybe- just maybe I'm pregnant, my job is just that- a distraction.
I can't focus on anything. I have a serious case of ADD. I know there is nothing I can do to ensure that our blast sticks. At this point it is either nestled in nicely or it's not... and I don't know what to think about that. I mean, I have no control over it so why bother wasting my time worrying if this certain movement is going to cause me to become un-pregnant. It all sounds so lame as I type it out but there is no explaining the IF brain and the train of thoughts that are free flowing in no logical rhyme or reason.
I just can't wait for beta next week. I know it will be here before I know it, but I just want to know right now if it worked. If only it were that simple.
I annoyed because my job causes so much stress and I'm pretty much over being a teacher. I just need a break. I have been saying it for years but for one reason or another I need to keep my job because at the time it was too risky to try and find something else. Having 2 weeks off (the first was our district vacation- here in New England we have a Feb vaca for skiing and an April vaca for fun?) was so relaxing and nice. I was really able to just let go and not worry about what parent I needed to call, what form needed to be turned into the office, what pile of papers I needed to correct next and what children needed talking to for one reason or another. Teaching is a big job and having time away from that was fabulous.
The biggest reason why I was so bummed about going to work today was because it meant that I was going to back to reality... getting back to the grind and the daily routines of life. We had for 2 weeks-during the tail end of stims, the trigger shot, the ER bed rest and then the ET followed by more bed rest- where we were doing something huge to try and bring a baby into our lives. Unless you're going through it you have no idea what that is like. The emotional part and the physical part are not something you can prepare for. The financial part sucks and it pulls the strings tighter on the wallet, but once you set a budget you can prepare for that. The rest you can't. I felt like getting back to reality was like the time we spent together,working for our baby, never existed. Everyone was still going on with their lives and had no idea what we had just been working through together.
I felt this way when we got back from our honeymoon 3 and half years ago. We were so happy in our newlywed honeymoon bubble that coming back home-while nice- was so strange. How were we supposed to go from the most amazing 10 days of our lives back to work and back to the mundane things in life? I'm trying to figure out how to go from the hopeful, stress free, relaxed couple that spend time day dreaming about our baby snuggling up in my uterus to the teacher, doing her job and pretending like she wants to be there. I don't want to be there and while it is a nice distraction to me pondering if what I notice my body going through is because of the hormones I'm on or because maybe- just maybe I'm pregnant, my job is just that- a distraction.
I can't focus on anything. I have a serious case of ADD. I know there is nothing I can do to ensure that our blast sticks. At this point it is either nestled in nicely or it's not... and I don't know what to think about that. I mean, I have no control over it so why bother wasting my time worrying if this certain movement is going to cause me to become un-pregnant. It all sounds so lame as I type it out but there is no explaining the IF brain and the train of thoughts that are free flowing in no logical rhyme or reason.
I just can't wait for beta next week. I know it will be here before I know it, but I just want to know right now if it worked. If only it were that simple.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Waiting for the next CD 22
Well, things aren't coming together at all so we'll be waiting for the next CD 22 which should be middle of February... (which doesn't seem too far off! Thank goodness)
I called my clinic this morning and spoke with someone who told me they mailed out our paperwork on Friday. We still haven't gotten it and while I realize Monday was a holiday, it still shouldn't take 4 days to get here they are so close. Whatever. Nothing I can do about it.
Once we get the paper work we'll fill out our papers and mail in our payment and get the meds ordered. I'll then go in for my CD 22 blood work and begin our first IVF cycle. I was upset about this yesterday and emotional still about it throughout my work day today but after talking with my husband, my mom, and a close friend I've come to realize that this is better because we'll be more relaxed when we get the meds instead of in a tizzy and stressed out because it is so rushed.
So, we'll wait once again. It seems like the thing we spend most of our time doing on this crazy IF journey. I should be used to it by now... but I'm not.
I'm feeling ok about it now and thankful for that. So, for the next month or so we'll do what we did this month- have fun, relax, enjoy life, and I'll go for a few runs.
Thank you all for your comments on yesterday's post. I appreciate them more than you know!
I called my clinic this morning and spoke with someone who told me they mailed out our paperwork on Friday. We still haven't gotten it and while I realize Monday was a holiday, it still shouldn't take 4 days to get here they are so close. Whatever. Nothing I can do about it.
Once we get the paper work we'll fill out our papers and mail in our payment and get the meds ordered. I'll then go in for my CD 22 blood work and begin our first IVF cycle. I was upset about this yesterday and emotional still about it throughout my work day today but after talking with my husband, my mom, and a close friend I've come to realize that this is better because we'll be more relaxed when we get the meds instead of in a tizzy and stressed out because it is so rushed.
So, we'll wait once again. It seems like the thing we spend most of our time doing on this crazy IF journey. I should be used to it by now... but I'm not.
I'm feeling ok about it now and thankful for that. So, for the next month or so we'll do what we did this month- have fun, relax, enjoy life, and I'll go for a few runs.
Thank you all for your comments on yesterday's post. I appreciate them more than you know!
Monday, January 2, 2012
Restless
New Years Eve was perfect. JT and I stayed home and watched 3 movies (Friends with Benefits, The Mechanic, Horrible Bosses) ate pizza, drank beer and wine and relaxed by the fire. We typically get together with the same group of friends every year and within the first week of Dec I had talked to JT about saying home this year for NYE because of the timing of our IUI I couldn't decide how I would feel about going on on NYE. We definitely made the right decision. I can't say that my friend fully understood why we would stay home and not be with them, but she said she respected our decision. Regardless, we did what was right for us and for that I am thankful!
Yesterday we cleaned up the mess that was our house. All of the Christmas decorations along with our tree have been taken down and put away. It is amazing how big our house feels now without all that stuff! Other than that we didn't do much! I stayed in my PJs all day-without showering- and felt pretty restless. I tried reading, playing on the internet, watching TV or playing a game and I couldn't sustain any of those activities for longer than 30 minutes. I've also been tossing and turning at night while I should be sleeping. I'm feeling so restless and I don't know what to do. I've been considering going for a few runs this month until we start up a new medicated cycle. I miss running so much.
I am waiting for yoga to start up again- I take a class at work because it is free and we finished up a session before Christmas and new session should start up soon. I had to stop acupuncture because it was getting pricy for us. With no ins. coverage it's 300 bucks a month and that is a lot of money.
I am actually looking forward to going back to work tomorrow simply because I need the routine. I need to be busy again and pass time more quickly.
Yesterday we cleaned up the mess that was our house. All of the Christmas decorations along with our tree have been taken down and put away. It is amazing how big our house feels now without all that stuff! Other than that we didn't do much! I stayed in my PJs all day-without showering- and felt pretty restless. I tried reading, playing on the internet, watching TV or playing a game and I couldn't sustain any of those activities for longer than 30 minutes. I've also been tossing and turning at night while I should be sleeping. I'm feeling so restless and I don't know what to do. I've been considering going for a few runs this month until we start up a new medicated cycle. I miss running so much.
I am waiting for yoga to start up again- I take a class at work because it is free and we finished up a session before Christmas and new session should start up soon. I had to stop acupuncture because it was getting pricy for us. With no ins. coverage it's 300 bucks a month and that is a lot of money.
I am actually looking forward to going back to work tomorrow simply because I need the routine. I need to be busy again and pass time more quickly.
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Meeting with Dr. RE
Dr. RE is our new doctor. He is a fertility specialist on the coast and is very successful in his treatments. On the hour long car ride up on Thursday, July 21, JT and I talked about this and that, random little things to fill the space. I wasn't sure what to expect or what I thought would happen and oddly, I didn't feel super nervous.
Once we got there I had to fill out some paperwork that didn't get sent in the mail to us. It didn't take long and just covered the basics- age, employer, insurance. It wasn't long before we were called back to meet with the Dr.
He had a kind face and a gentle voice. He escorted us to his office where he sat down with our new file before him. He asked some questions, recommended I take some vitamin D to help the eggs be the best they can be. He also told me to eat two Tums a day... I had NO idea that they could be taken for calcium supplements!
After some questions about my cycle and the tests we've had done already he told us he wanted me to go back for blood work and JT to get another semen analysis. He then said that he wanted me to have the laprascopic surgery... that is what I was afraid of. Of course, I know you shouldn't read a whole lot about health issues online but I already read about the laprascopy procedure and I was already nervous to be told I'd have to have it done.
Dr. RE told us that we were operating on a 5% chance each month because we've been trying for so long the odds of us getting pregnant each month went down. Can you fricken believe that!?!? My goodness, why even try with those odds?
We discussed IUI briefly and he went on to talk more about IVF and the success rates. He offers a buy 2 get one free... well, not that you buy 2 right up front, but should your first IVF cycle not work and you need a second, and that one doesn't work, well, he'll give you the third cycle for free. That is how confident he is in this procedure. It costs 8200 bucks! Of course that is a ton of money and NOT the way I always dreamed I'd create a new life, but it brings us to a 50% chance that we'd have a successful pregnancy. I like how Dr. RE was all business and ready to create a plan because so much, too much, time has passed already and it was time to get us a baby!
JT and I will have a lot to talk about but find ourselves, once again, in the waiting game. We need to wait to find out how my blood work comes back. We need to wait to see what the results are of his SA. We need to wait and see what comes of the laprascopic surgery I'll have. This will all determine where we go next.
I couldn't sleep Thursday night thinking about the surgery and my fear that I won't be able to get back to work the following week. It's a month away and I can't spend my time thinking about it so I'll just have let it go for now.
I still can't get my mind from wondering what we did to deserve this. What lesson are we supposed to be learning? Why us? When will we have our family?
Once we got there I had to fill out some paperwork that didn't get sent in the mail to us. It didn't take long and just covered the basics- age, employer, insurance. It wasn't long before we were called back to meet with the Dr.
He had a kind face and a gentle voice. He escorted us to his office where he sat down with our new file before him. He asked some questions, recommended I take some vitamin D to help the eggs be the best they can be. He also told me to eat two Tums a day... I had NO idea that they could be taken for calcium supplements!
After some questions about my cycle and the tests we've had done already he told us he wanted me to go back for blood work and JT to get another semen analysis. He then said that he wanted me to have the laprascopic surgery... that is what I was afraid of. Of course, I know you shouldn't read a whole lot about health issues online but I already read about the laprascopy procedure and I was already nervous to be told I'd have to have it done.
Dr. RE told us that we were operating on a 5% chance each month because we've been trying for so long the odds of us getting pregnant each month went down. Can you fricken believe that!?!? My goodness, why even try with those odds?
We discussed IUI briefly and he went on to talk more about IVF and the success rates. He offers a buy 2 get one free... well, not that you buy 2 right up front, but should your first IVF cycle not work and you need a second, and that one doesn't work, well, he'll give you the third cycle for free. That is how confident he is in this procedure. It costs 8200 bucks! Of course that is a ton of money and NOT the way I always dreamed I'd create a new life, but it brings us to a 50% chance that we'd have a successful pregnancy. I like how Dr. RE was all business and ready to create a plan because so much, too much, time has passed already and it was time to get us a baby!
JT and I will have a lot to talk about but find ourselves, once again, in the waiting game. We need to wait to find out how my blood work comes back. We need to wait to see what the results are of his SA. We need to wait and see what comes of the laprascopic surgery I'll have. This will all determine where we go next.
I couldn't sleep Thursday night thinking about the surgery and my fear that I won't be able to get back to work the following week. It's a month away and I can't spend my time thinking about it so I'll just have let it go for now.
I still can't get my mind from wondering what we did to deserve this. What lesson are we supposed to be learning? Why us? When will we have our family?
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