Easing My Anxiety

We met with a new RE at our same office.  We enjoyed our last RE but since our office is so large and the doctors are all spread out we had to drive an hour to see him. That was no big deal when it was just the two of us, but now that we need to get a sitter to attend these appointments, it makes more sense to be able to see a Dr. in one of their closer offices.  She was really nice and I know we are going to enjoy working with her.

We talked about my endometriosis and how I'm feeling super bloated, exhausted, and experience pain during sex, periods, and going to the bathroom.  It totally sucks and is definitely taking a toll on me physically and mentally. We talked about Lupron and how it wouldn't be something she'd recommend with my history of migraines.  Ok, so that's off the table.  I wanted to try and tame my endo not only so I'd feel better but to help our success with the future FET.  She didn't seem to think that it would effect our success rate, which was encouraging.

She gave us the information I wanted on the FET and on paper it seemed SO simple compared to the work that went into the IVF.  Questions about thawing and finances were covered.  We talked about a timeline of June or July.  It has to be after I run my 2nd marathon in June.

Until then, I'm going in for blood work and a sono HSG.  My husband will also get an updated blood work panel. We will then meet again to talk about what to do for my endometriosis so that I can feel more like myself again.

All of my anxiety and worries went away and I'm feeling better after this meeting. I am well aware that my worries and emotional state will fluctuate as we get closer to, and are in the thick of, the FET.

Appointment with RE made

My endometriosis is back in full force. I can feel it. I'm exhausted, more so than "normal" and yes I'm training for a marathon so I'm sure that has something to do with it, but I didn't feel this tired last training cycle.  It is the winter and I know my body wants to hibernate, but I also know what I feel.  I'm bloated. So bloated. My face is a wreck. My cycles are getting shorter, yet heavier and more disgusting. I have back pain. It hurts to have sex in certain positions. It can hurt to poop. TMI... yeah, no such thing as that on this blog.

Anyway. It's back and I know it and I want to see what I can do to "fix" or alleviate it before we do a FET some time in the summer or early fall. So, I made an appointment with the RE to talk about possibly taking the Lupron pill.  If that's even something that would work for me in the first place.  If not, we'll schedule another lap.  I'd like to avoid that if possible though.

I also have many questions about FET...

How many do they thaw at once?
Would they be able to refreeze any we didn't use?
The general injection process/cost since we don't have insurance coverage. Damn you New Hampshire.

I just want to get a plan and timeline in place so that we can be ready to do the FET when we want to. Instead of feeling like we are ready for FET and then we have to wait for my endo to clear up.

I'm already feeling emotional about the FET.

If this doesn't work then we're 95% done having kids.  I don't know where we'd come up with another 10 grand (that is if the price hasn't gone up since we did IVF 3 yrs ago) to do a fresh cycle.

One thing at a time though. I'm hoping meeting up with the RE to talk it out will ease my mind.

I find it quite fitting that the day and time that our appointment is set for is the exact day and time I was going to ask for.  When the assistant told me the next available appointment date and time I was speechless. It's like it was meant to be.  You know how us IF girls are. We look for hope anywhere we can, so I'm taking this as a good sign!

A new plan and a new amount of stress

We met with our RE today and discussed what we learned about my response to stims with the IUI we did.  I had written down a list of questions to make sure I got everything answered before we left.  As he was talking to us and explaining how the IVF works he answered most of them.  I only had to ask a few additional questions before we were wrapping our conversation and going over the paper work that comes along with an IVF cycle.

We had in our mind that we would work with this finance company to get the loan we needed so we proceeded to meet and talk about our cycle and how it would work.  I know that I've felt overwhelmed with what I've been reading on blogs and how many meds are involved but the nurses and doctors are really with us every step of the way and I have to remember that!

We got home and went to fill out the necessary application for this loan and it turns out that the processing fee is much more than we thought it would be.  There was no way of knowing what it would be until we finished the application.... so, now JT is completely stressed out and doesn't know what to do.  $950 processing fee is just crazy and a lot of money on top of the $9000 we are asking for.

I hate that money has to be an issue... in fact, I hate that we don't' get any insurance coverage at all.... it would make things a little less stressful-well a lot less!

I would go in on CD 22 for baseline blood-work -which would be next Weds. hopefully we can figure out the money situation by this weekend so we can move forward with the IVF cycle for the month of February... if not we'll have to wait until the next CD 22 to begin.

I'll get into the meds and the kind of cycle we are doing once I know where we stand with the finances.

We have a plan!!!

I feel hopeful, excited, and happy about where we are going, for the first time, in a long time!  Our meeting with our RE yesterday went well.  It was kind of rushed, or so it felt because for whatever reason they schedule appointments back to back.  Maybe I just wanted more than 45 minutes to really sit and make sure we were making the right decision. I don't know.  However, our doctor listened to us, explained things so we could understand it and let us make the final choice and before we knew it we were sitting with a nurse to go over the protocol for an IUI!

Yup, my friends.  We'll be starting our first IUI cycle as soon as AF shows up... which should be shortly after Thanksgiving. :-)

I'm nervous, but can't stop smiling because we're moving forward.  Now, I do realize that it is not 100% ... nor is it even 50% guaranteed to work, but right now I am pushing that thought to the way back of my mind because I need to be positive.  I need to let my yoga, counseling, and acupuncture state of mind take over to carry me through the next month.

I am worried about what the FSH shots will do to me... in terms of my mood.  When I was on the pill I was crazy moody! I already told JT that I apologize for anything I will say or do during that week of shots!

Since we are out of pocket I am going to be keeping track of what we spend on a tab up top because I want to make sure that people who don't go through this stupid IF stuff realize that not only is it mentally and emotionally draining but finances play a huge role in it as well.

Ch-ch-changes

Lots has been going on over the past week or so.

I started taking a yoga class on Mondays after work.  It is right down the street and the best part is, it is free as my insurance will cover it! I really enjoyed my first class.  I've tried yoga before but I couldn't settle my mind and I just wanted to be active in a different way.  Since I'm a runner and need to change my activity to a different kind of workout and I found yoga to be extremely peaceful and a great way to start the week!

Yesterday I had my first acupuncture appointment.  It was interesting...  in a good way.  After our consult and discussing our infertility history and endometriosis he asked what day of the cycle I was on and moved on accordingly.  I had needles in my lower back, ankles and my left wrist.  I enjoyed the relax time that followed.  My guy recommended some different, more natural prenatal vitamins.

Tomorrow night I have my first counseling session.  I found the women off of the Resolve.org website and she is covered under my insurance so that makes it even better.  I am anxious to sit and talk with her. I hope we connect and I hope I can really relieve some weight off my shoulders by talking to her.

See what I mean? Changes!  All wonderful, good changes!

We meet with our RE this Weds to determine how we'd like to move forward... I'm hoping to have a great plan laid out so that we can move closer to having our baby!

Oh... I also made a page on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/LivingOurLifeInCycles  and joined twitter for my blog: @OurLifeInCycles!

Endometriosis Stage III

That's what I have.

On Thursday, August 25 JT and I made our way to the Surgery Center for 6:30 am.  I was the first one there and the first one registered for the morning.  It was cold. Very cold in there. I wondered if the other rooms were this cold.  We sat for a bit and then they called me back.  I kissed JT and was off.  The nurse asked me if I wanted him to come back with me.

Yes. Yes, I did. And so, he did.

After changing into an oh-so-sexy gown and blue socks I was asked to sit down in this recliner chair that they have in those places.  She took my blood pressure asked me some questions about piercings and allergies and then attempted to get an IV in my hand.  The veins in my hand are small so she had to resort to my arm.

I did not watch. Could not watch. The needle was so big.  So, it was JT's face that I stared at as she poked me.

The nurse then put the heart monitor things on my chest and later came back with these weird bands for your calf something about preventing clots ??

We waited for a bit and then the anesthesiologist came to talk with me and to get me.  I got up and gave JT a kiss and walked back to the room with him.  He asked me to get up on the table carefully, which was hard to do without flashing everyone!  

Once on the table they straitened out the wires and tubes and everything that was on me.  The anesthesiologist told me he put something in my IV that would make me feel heavy.  The other guy put an oxygen mask on my face and told me to breath slowly.  At first I didn't feel anything, and then all of a sudden I closed my eyes....

I opened my eyes about 60 minutes later (so I am told) and heard my name being called.  JT was brought to my side and I could feel him next to me only I couldn't open my eyes.  They were so heavy.

My chest was heavy too and when I tried to tell JT that I couldn't breathe very well I realized how much my throat hurt from the tube they put down there!

The nurse got JT some ice chips to give me and after a few minutes I was waking up more and more.  I was shaking though and couldn't stop.  I am told this is something that happens when the drugs wear off.  I guess that's good!  I had cramping and pains and so the nurse gave me some more meds.

After awhile I was able to get my clothes on and was walked over to the same kind of recliner I sat in before.  I was told I couldn't leave until I peed.  I started to get really dizzy and felt like I was going to be sick. JT told the nurse and got me a pan just in time.  I threw up a few times (embarrassingly so- in front of all those other people).  I felt so much better though.  I had some crackers and my mouth felt so dry, no matter what I had to drink or the ice I had to suck on.

I had the urge to pee and tried to go but nothing came out.  I could tell it was going to hurt when I did end up going.  They put a catheter in- another thing I didn't prepare for!  After some more liquids through the IV and another hour and a half I finally peed.  Not a whole lot, but enough to be able to get out of there.  As much as I enjoyed the nurse taking care of me, I wanted to be home.

Once home I set up camp in the brown recliner, which I had prepared with a table full things the night before. I slept on and off all day and only got up-with much help- to go to the bathroom. I even slept there throughout the night with JT on the couch and our pup somewhere on the floor.  Amazing how dogs just know something is going on.

Friday JT had to work so my mom came over and took care of me... getting me something to drink, making me food, and helping me up to the bathroom.  I slept again on the recliner that night with JT on the couch. This day started the pain in my incisions (one in my belly button and one above my pubic hair line).  I had to ice on and off and take some meds.  I don't like the Percocets, they make me loopy.

Saturday JT had to work again, so a friend came over for a bit to hang out.  I can start to get up some but don't too much because it still hurts my stomach muscles.  My friend did the dishes for me and makes me some lunch. JT doesn't get home until late, which annoys me.... but my parents come by for a bit for a visit and a check in.

Sunday I am trying to move around more but I feel dizzy and so tired.  I finally got to take a shower and was so happy to get one in because it had been since Thursday morning! I also am glad that I got one in because of the hurricane that was on it's way. Yikes.

Monday- today- I should be at work but instead I am taking another day.  I am trying to do more but am thankful for the ability to lie on the couch and rest if I need it.  Tomorrow we have our post op appointment where the RE will go over what he found and what it means for our future.  JT is in denial that we'll need any procedures to help us get pregnant. I am fully aware that that might be our only option.

Endometriosis Stage 3. I'm not happy to meet you.

Rough Month

I did in fact get AF. The night of my last post in fact.

The cramping wasn't bad but my mood was.  I was such a bitch to be around. I didn't want to do anything, talk to anyone or go anywhere. I was so mad at the world.

JT went in for his second seaman analysis.  I have yet to hear about those results and I don't know if I should be worried or not...

I did go in for cycle day three blood work (for a second time).  This time they took 6 or 7 vials of blood.  Which they didn't do when I went into get this blood work done before.  My thyroid level was in the high end of normal again.... so my RE wanted me to up my dose from 12.5mcg to 37.5.  That means I am adding one whole pill to my morning.  Crazy!

I then had to go in for cycle day ten blood work and that was easy- only one vial- but the place I went to messed things up so I had to wait longer than I should have because some how... on the sign in sheet it got marked that I was seen, when in fact- I was not! So I waited probably 45 minutes longer than I should have.  I finally go in for the internal ultrasound, which went well.  Once that was done I was out of there.

The next thing we have coming up is my laprascopic surgery.

Meeting with Dr. RE

Dr. RE is our new doctor.  He is a fertility specialist on the coast and is very successful in his treatments.  On the hour long car ride up on Thursday, July 21, JT and I talked about this and that, random little things to fill the space.  I wasn't sure what to expect or what I thought would happen and oddly, I didn't feel super nervous.

Once we got there I had to fill out some paperwork that didn't get sent in the mail to us.  It didn't take long and just covered the basics- age, employer, insurance.  It wasn't long before we were called back to meet with the Dr.

He had a kind face and a gentle voice.  He escorted us to his office where he sat down with our new file before him.  He asked some questions, recommended I take some vitamin D to help the eggs be the best they can be.  He also told me to eat two Tums a day... I had NO idea that they could be taken for calcium supplements!

After some questions about my cycle and the tests we've had done already he told us he wanted me to go back for blood work and JT to get another semen analysis.   He then said that he wanted me to have the laprascopic surgery... that is what I was afraid of.  Of course, I know you shouldn't read a whole lot about health issues online but I already read about the laprascopy procedure and I was already nervous to be told I'd have to have it done.

Dr. RE told us that we were operating on a 5% chance each month because we've been trying for so long the odds of us getting pregnant each month went down.  Can you fricken believe that!?!? My goodness, why even try with those odds?

We discussed IUI briefly and he went on to talk more about IVF and the success rates.  He offers a buy 2 get one free... well, not that you buy 2 right up front, but should your first IVF cycle not work and you need a second, and that one doesn't work, well, he'll give you the third cycle for free.  That is how confident he is in this procedure.  It costs 8200 bucks! Of course that is a ton of money and NOT the way I always dreamed I'd create a new life, but it brings us to a 50% chance that we'd have a successful pregnancy. I like how Dr. RE was all business and ready to create a plan because so much, too much, time has passed already and it was time to get us a baby!

JT and I will have a lot to talk about but find ourselves, once again, in the waiting game. We need to wait to find out how my blood work comes back.  We need to wait to see what the results are of his SA.  We need to wait and see what comes of the laprascopic surgery I'll have.  This will all determine where we go next.

I couldn't sleep Thursday night thinking about the surgery and my fear that I won't be able to get back to work the following week.  It's a month away and I can't spend my time thinking about it so I'll just have let it go for now.

I still can't get my mind from wondering what we did to deserve this.  What lesson are we supposed to be learning? Why us? When will we have our family?