Back.

My mind is back in the anxiety place when I think about trying for another baby.

Back to the worries. Back to the place where I know it's going to take charge of my life and while I hope and pray that it won't take charge for too long.... I'm realistic. I remember it all too well. You'd think after 2 years I'd be free from the pain, the heart ache, and at peace with the way things worked out. But I'm not.

I'm still here, with the scars deep in my heart.  I am still surrounded by women who get pregnant when they just think about it, women who can plan out when they'll likely get pregnant-- and it actually happens for them and women who are blissfully unaware of any of the difficulties other women go through.

This winter has been tough for me emotionally. Specifically January and February and March.  Last year I was so busy with a newborn I didn't have time to think about what the previous year had been for me and my husband. We were celebrating our little miracle just as we should.  However, this year is a totally different story and I don't know why.  I half wonder, and half worry, if it will be like this each year, but only time will tell.  The cold weather, the early mornings, the songs playing on the radio bring me back to the days of monitoring appointments, lots of blood work, and needs, oh the needles! When I hear any Adele tune and my mind instantly goes to the place where I was so fragile and in the fake it til you make it phase. I kept to myself. I didn't go to baby showers. I couldn't even watch commercials with babies in them. It was by far the darkest time in my life.  A place which I'd never like to return to again.

My husband and I are both in agreement that we are not ready for a second child at this time.  However, I worry about my endometriosis. I know it's back. I can feel it and what it's doing to my insides. I worry it's going to be out of control by the time next year comes and we are ready to try for a second baby.  Regardless of the fact that our future TTC plans are so far away I'm already feeling anxious about it.  I don't need to be thinking about it, yet I am. It's there, eating away at the part of my mind that had finally, just started to heal.

I've been back into my running for about a year now and that has allowed me to feel more at peace with my body.  After having close to two years when my body let me down month after month, it's taken a long time to trust it again. Thank goodness nursing worked out for us, it made me feel better about my body at least being able to do one baby related function!

Like I said, our plans are a year away and I'm already worried about how to handle treatments with a 2+ year old boy.  How will he understand that mommy's belly hurts from all the injections or that mommy has to lie on the couch after egg retrieval because she needs to rest.  How will he understand why mommy is crying in the bathroom when another pee stick is stark white? I hope to stay strong in front of him, but I know, the all consuming pain and stress this kind of journey can bring to ones life.  Even typing this out brings tears to my eyes.

I have everything crossed that I won't need to do another lap and that our 4 embryos will survive thawing and transfer.  I know we have a chance of having to do IVF all over again, but if that doesn't work, if for some reason it doesn't work the first time, I don't know what we'll do.  We wouldn't financially be able to do another.  We are still paying off the IUI and IVF we did 2 years ago.

It's a crazy road to be on again, but my mind is back there, and I'm not a fan.