The 6th Cycle.

It has officially been six months since we started trying. 6 months. 6. I can't believe it.

When cycle number 5 ended it hit me hard. I was in a foul mood that day and it lasted pretty well into the work week.  I really, truly felt like I was pregnant. I felt different, my body was different, and my temps were staying up.  The temp part hasn't ever happened before and that made me feel like this was it, for sure.  I even took a pregnancy test, which of course came up negative, but I put it off as testing too early.  Then, it wasn't it for sure.

I don't want to think about the fact that this could go on for another 6 months. I don't want to think about the fact that I was hoping to have a bit of a baby bump by this time of the year. Or that I had secretly been saving up my sick days for maternity leave, which will now go to waste because I desperately want this year to be my last year teaching. 

My stomach turns when I log into Facebook and I see a dozen women and their baby bump photos.  I hate reading blog posts where people post their ultrasound photo or update their readers on their progress.  I used to love them. I used to daydream about posting my own things that were pregnancy related because I'd be so excited to share and document the whole event.  I will document them, just in a more private fashion because of knowing what I know now: waiting sucks.

I want to cry about all of this but I haven't yet.  The tears are there. I can feel them every now and again. Like this very moment, they are sitting on the brim of my eyelid but I won't blink so they can't fall.  I am not ready to let tears fall yet. I don't think I can let myself feel sad yet because I know of other couples who have tried for a year.  If we get closer to a year, then I'll  let myself cry about it.

If I hear one more "It will happen" or "Don't think about it and it will happen" or "Next month..." I think I just might scream bloody murder.  This is why I don't want to talk about this situation with anyone. If they haven't been through something like this they really don't know what to say or what it feels like or what I am thinking about.  So, I keep it to myself, until now, where I think I'll need to write it out now and again.

Hopefully next time I'll be writing with great news.