For whatever reason my mind keeps thinking about my body today and how it seems to fail to do it's job. I've been pretty positive all weekend thinking about our upcoming IVF but somehow my mind started thinking so much that I've become annoyed at my body again.
It all started when I was thinking about our IUI and how my husband had these FANTASTIC numbers after being washed 2 or 3 times = 195 million. All we needed was one and he had 195 million. All we needed was for my eggs to meet sperm and unite but that did not happen. Now, I have to keep in mind that the success rate for us for this procedure was only 17%. Regardless, that didn't keep me from thinking this was going to be it. I mean come on! We've taken the trip through the vagina and up the cervix out of the picture for the spermies and their job was to land in the uterus and swim to my tubes and wait for an egg. I'm sure they did just this. What I don't know is what the hell happened to my egg. Did they fly out of the tube and whiz right by the sperm saying "hell no!"? Did they dance a little bit and try to unite but failed to do so, maybe because the sperm moved too fast and the egg wanted nothing to do with it? Did they in fact meet but never implant? Did they meet but then fail to survive?
So many questions and we won't know about the joining of our parts until we have this IVF. I am thankful that we're doing ICSI-even though my husband has wonderful motility and count- it just the way my RE does his IVF treatment. But I am curious to hear how our parts work together.
I started to think about all the testing my body has been through. I had blood work on my progesterone level and my OB/GYN even had me take suppositories just in case a little extra could help with the implantation. Then we moved on to the HSG to see if the tubes were clear and according to what they say, yes indeed they were. We finally decided it was time to see an RE and I then had so much blood work done- which is easy enough to do. I had the Laparoscopic surgery to determine if there was endometriosis, which indeed there was. My thyroid meds have been changed to meet the desired numbers by my RE. I swore that would make all the difference. Yet, here we are gearing up for IVF.
I'm putting all my hope and positive energy into thinking this IVF will work. I mean, we want it to... we need it to. I am pretty sure that should it not work we'll attempt it a second time, but if that doesn't take then we're done. I am absolutely terrified to think about how I'll feel if we get to that point. It will absolutely break my heart to have to live child free but we've already decided that adoption is not for us. I push all of those thoughts into a dark corner of my mind. I wish I didn't think like that, but I do. It's the way I cope with things. I automatically think of the worst possible outcome so that if something actually works out the way I secretly wanted it to then I am beyond happy, but if they don't, then I've already considered the possibilities of the next steps.
I continue to go back in my mind and think about all of the things I may have done to deserve this. I remember reading a book the summer before JT and I got married and the main character in the book was struggling to get pregnant. I thought to myself, and said to JT, that if we ever have to go through I'll go crazy. Is that Karma coming back to say "ha ha-remember that beautiful day on the beach?" In my clear mindset I know that there is nothing I have done, it is medical, but it doesn't make it any easier. What makes it even worse is that I don't know a single soul in real life going through this so I feel entirely like a freak of nature when thinking about our groups of friends because we're the only one dealing with needles and spending thousands of dollars trying to obtain the one thing they got with a romp in the sheets.
I'm so over this roller coaster of emotions. Yoga was terrible because my mind would not shut up. I tried with all my mind and focused on my breathing but was only successful for about a minute at a time.
I know what you mean about thinking of all the bad things that could happen. My husband says I'm pessimistic, but I think it's just a coping mechanism to keep me from getting too high, just to crash when something bad does happen.
ReplyDeleteHopefully, you won't need any contingency plan. I hope all goes well with this IVF!
I had the same doubts before I started my IVF cycle. Hell, I had those doubts all the way through. The thing is, you can drive yourself crazy with all the "what ifs." In the end, what helped me was breaking the cycle down into chunks and focusing on each one. Suppression was able being calm and getting everything quiet (which I didn't think we'd pass), then stimming was about trusting the drugs, the REs and my body to do it's job. You get the picture.
ReplyDeleteMy main point is, you are doing EVERYTHING humanly possible to bring your child into the world. And IVF does work for many, many women. Besides, you have awesome socks to wear to your appointments as well as a very pretty fertility bracelet. That's got to be worth something to the universe, if not a reminder that so many of us are pulling for you. Thinking of you.
You have been through so much, it is so natural for you to feel this way. I don't blame you one bit. And I know you know this but this was not at all your fault and you don't deserve this on any level, on any planet! We are all here for you and if it helps any, I'm happy to become an IRL friend even if it means we text once in a while to say hi or just to vent. Let me know!
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry you feel this way. I hate that you have to go through this and worry/stress about it instead of getting knocked up for free the old fashioned way. I go through the same thoughts with every cycle, what if this could happen on our own, what if we are putting ourselves through hell for no reason? But IVF does have a 60-70% success rate so you are on the road to your best chances. It is a road through hell for sure, but it will be all worth it if we get those babies - and statistics say we will. Your body will step it up and carry a baby through pregnancy, and hopefully you will forget you ever felt it failed you (as hard as it is to believe), all the tears will be worth it. Good luck with your cycle, I am rooting for you. This is it.
ReplyDeleteAll these thoughts are something we all have. It really does seem like we are alone in this sometimes, especially when we don't know anyone personally who has to deal with this, but others are out there. I am just so grateful that we found each other. It would be terribly lonely if we didn't have this outlet and community.
ReplyDeleteI am really hoping this first IVF is all you need and until we know that it didn't work, we will assume that it will. It's natural for us to prepare for the worst...that is all we know. But you continuing on is proof that you have hope.
Thanks for opening up.
I am so sorry that you have to go through all of this. A lot of your fears and anxiety echo what my own mind has been thinking as well. It seems unfair sometimes, but you definitely did nothing to "deserve" this. We have to try to find the hope and silver lining in our situations. I am wishing you all the best in this first IVF cycle! I will be thinking of you friend. xx
ReplyDeleteFor some reason, my doubts and fears about this infertility stuff, and my inability to conceive, despite ridiculous medical interventions, comes to me when I'm exercising too. Mainly because I feel like I can't do anything physical anymore-hold a certain pose in yoga, do something with ease in pilates, run as far as I used to, oh, and not get pregnant.
DeleteThinking of you and wishing you all the best.
I'm thinking of you and hoping that this IVF is successful for you both. ICSI helps with so many issues on both sides.
ReplyDeleteSorry, I haven't been keeping up with reading the blogs the last few days. Your post also describes me perfectly. I am having very similar fears. It helps to know we aren't alone. I am cheering for you!
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