Dreaming

Even my dreams mess with me and won't let me forget that we don't have a baby.

I had a dream that my friend found out she was having a baby girl.  My dream proceeded to be about her and her baby belly.  Then, we randomly ended up on a game show, kind of like Wipe Out, where you run around on all of these crazy structures.  It was her turn to run into a pit of balls but they had modified it for her because she was pregnant.  She ended up landing softly on a pad over the balls and a doctor was right there to check on her.

I texted my friend the gist of this because I know she would find it hilarious.  I men it was because it was so completely random. She then told me that she thought they might be having a girl. Since I am glutton for punishment I asked when she'd find out.  I can't keep track of how far along all of my pregnant friends are.  Truth is, I don't care to.  She told me they find out on Dec. 20, but only her husband will find out and then write it on paper and put in an envelope for her to open Christmas morning.  I've read about people doing this before and I always hoped that maybe it would magically work out to be that way for us.  Well last year was a bust and I know this year the only thing we might have going for us is the IUI.  I told my friend that was an excellent Christmas gift and that was the end of my texting with her this morning.

I had nothing else to say but it was all running through my mind.  I wanted to cry... right there at my desk.  That should have been me.  We've been trying much longer than any of my friends who have gotten pregnant and since had their babies.  The whole "this isn't fair" song played in my head-along with violent screaming- and I felt so sad all morning long.

AF is due this weekend and I keep hoping that maybe we did it this time-on our own.  Maybe, just maybe it will work.  I am trying to pay attention to what the "symptoms" are but honestly- I know what all of them are and I'm not feeling a thing.  I don't even need to look up pregnancy symptoms like I used to have to during the first blissful months of TTC.  Now, I have them all memorized yet never feel a damn thing except cramps and back pain and sadness.

Hopefully my next dream will be of JT and I and our baby.