National Announce Your Pregnant Day

No. Not me.  Everyone else.

Each month I get these ideas in my head of how we would celebrate once we discovered I was pregnant.  This month's idea was that we'd find out before Valentine's Day and we'd head off to our romantic dinner smiling over our plates about our new little secret.  Not so much.

Finding the words to express my deep disappointment, frustration and sadness is close to impossible.  A part of my heart feels empty... almost hollow.  My stomach has this constant ache... like the feeling you get when you hear bad news and your stomach drops.  It is effecting my mood big time.  Whenever I get my period JT knows to stay out of my way for a day or two because there is no consoling me because I am the WORST mood ever and am bound to wreck you if you get in my way. I hate how I feel that way, but I can't help it. I can't help the anger that surges through my veins when the cramping begins and the blood comes. I can't help the anger I feel with my body and my complete and utter disappointment with myself for getting all hopeful.

I don't know how or why but I find myself talking to God lately.  I don't know who else to talk to about this.  I try to make bargains and pleas.  I try to get a sign that things are going to work in our favor.  I don't know why I do this, but I do. I guess I am just trying to believe in something greater than me because it makes me feel better thinking that it is completely out of my hands.

I want to stop charting my temps and peeing on OPKs but that is the ONLY thing I can control in this situation and I think if I gave those things up I'd be an even bigger mess than I am right now.  I don't know.

I just don't know.